Swinging Pendulum

Sometimes I feel like my life can be described in two modes—dieting or not dieting.

Do y’all know what I mean?

I’ll start a diet and count all the numbers and say No to all the yummy things, and then I’ll get down to a weight—maybe not my goal weight, but I start to feel good about myself, and those jeans aren’t so tight now, and so what would it hurt to throw in a cookie with my salad. I was healthy. I deserve a little treat, right?

And then BAM. Let the backsliding begin.

A little treat becomes a lot of treats. They’re oh so good. And my jeans still fit, so what’s the harm?

But before I know it, I’m back to that weight, the number that’s like my attention-getter, and I hunker down into serious mode, and everyone around me knows—okay, folks, it’s time to diet again.

No, sorry, I can’t eat your delicious dessert. I’m dieting.

Sorry, I’m not eating bread. Thanks.

And I tell myself, when I start to get back to that “Yeah, this is good” weight I will keep eating like this. It’ll be a lifestyle. Because I feel so much better when I eat the good-for-me food. And so of course, I’m going to stick with it this time.

But then we get invited for Mexican food. And yeah, I should order the taco salad, but man, there’s queso and those enchiladas…..

And voilà. The cycle repeats. It’s like Dr.Eggerichs’ crazy cycle but instead of love and respect, it’s salad or lasagna.

So, can I be vulnerable, friends? (Yeah, more vulnerable than just confessing what my nutritional cycle looks like on an annual basis. Ha!)

This journey with infertility feels a little like my diet cycle.

Although instead of ‘dieting’ or ‘not dieting,’ it sometimes feels like faith or fear.

I’m full of faith, completely believing that God has good things for us, that we’ve heard His Word on this, that I’m healed and whole and completely capable of bearing children.

And then there’s one little slip up. Like that cookie I eat with my salad.

Maybe I really thought I’d be pregnant one month, but I wasn’t. And instead of running to my good Father with my heart, I protect it. Just a little.

Then a small lie creeps in, a quiet voice that tells me it’s my fault. If I’d had more faith. If I’d done this or that (or not eaten all. the. bread.), then maybe we would’ve gotten pregnant this month.

And then that little lie blossoms into more fear, more doubt.

Before I know it, I’m not just protecting my heart, I’m full-blown hiding it, avoiding the topic, the prayers, the declarations of faith altogether.

But it’s harvest season again. This time of year does something to my heart. I told you last fall how inspired I felt by the neighboring farm, ripe with cotton to harvest.

Our farmers plant seeds, in faith, and expect to see the fruits. They hope for what they cannot see. But they believe—

That God provides.

That God is good.

That God creates and sustains all things.

So here I am—driving by bolls of white cotton every day—and I’m reminded of the faith that He deposited in me, of the promise He’s given me, over and over and over again.

“He makes the barren woman to be the joyful mother of children.”

Dr. Eggerichs talks about how the crazy cycle in marriage is not something we ever stay off of completely, even in the best of marriages (can you tell we’re leading this marriage life group, and I’ve got Love and Respect on the brain?). He says the goal is how quickly you can recognize that you’re ON the crazy cycle and get off it.

Maybe that’s the application here, too. It’s probably unrealistic to think that I’ll be full of faith all the time. Never doubting. Never struggling to believe. Never weary.

But when I get in that place, I’ve got recognize it and get off the cycle quicker.

How about you, my friends?

Maybe it’s not about fertility for you, but is there something you’re believing God for? Is there a dream He’s placed in your heart? Do you battle with fear and doubt?

Let’s recognize when we’re headed down the path of lies and speak truth to our hearts once again.

When the Word Tests You

"Until the word of the Lord came to pass, the word tested [Joseph]." Psalm 105:19

I've been meditating on this verse all week. It's a favorite of mine, and in the past I've always used it to encourage us to have faith in the gap.

You know, the gap of confrontation, that hole between when God gives you a word or a dream or a promise and when He accomplishes it.

In that place, you learn to stand on God's word, to declare His truth and His promises over your circumstances, over your feelings, over your enemy.

I know that gap because I've been in it for five years.

We've heard God that we'll be parents, and we know He's going to give us children.

So we continue to wait and trust His plan., and when I feel discouraged, Psalm 105:19 is my go-to verse.

But this week, I've meditated on it for a different gap. Maybe I'll call it the writer's gap.

I know He's put this dream in my heart. In fact, I believe He's called me to write, which is why I named this blog "Obeying the Call."

I'd spent many years hiding from my calling, and I started this blog--six years ago--as an act of obedience.

Do you know what happens when we step out in faith and do something?

Well, sometimes we get tested.

I have so much that is calling for my attention now that it's a test to even write.

I'm not saying that I'm in disobedience if I don't write. I'm not out of God's will if I'm
not popping out book chapters or blog posts.

That's not God's heart.

The truth is, I feel free when I write. It relaxes my mind and brings joy to my heart and refreshes my soul.

Even if I'm not writing to share the words, the act itself blesses me and draws me closer to God.

It seems natural, then, that I might face opposition before getting to that place of serenity, of chosen time, of consecrated words, pushing pen across paper or clicking keys to a screen.

Wiring in this season might look differently than it did this summer, when I could devote entire days to working on and editing my book.

That's okay. In fact, I have to be okay with that.

But I believe writing--finding time to write, regardless if it's to be shared or to be cherished--is a battle I'll have to fight and overcome.

It's a conscious decision I'll have to make, and it's not about the words, where they'll go or what they'll say. It's about me and my heart and my joy.

What about you, friend?

Do you have a dream God has put in your heart? Do you find yourself in the gap of confrontation?

I pray you'll dwell on His word, His truth for your life.

Keep dreaming. Keep fighting for your dreams. He is faithful.

"Go Hug Your Wife": Words of Wisdom From My Dad

I told you on Thursday I'm feeling sentimental with these Olympic games as I consider what our family was facing in 2012.

For Marriage Monday, I thought I'd share a great post my dad wrote when we were in the midst of that c-word journey, and even now, almost four years later, it still brings me to tears.

Married folks: I hope you'll listen to his wisdom and be grateful for your spouse!

___________________________________________

by Mike Calmes

So I figured it was time for me to put my thoughts to paper partly to share where I’ve been in all this, but also I knew it would be therapeutic for me. As most of you are aware, I’m not known as the communicator in our family. I am the quiet one. And as I like to joke: I’m not really that quiet; just in our family, for me, it’s an issue with opportunity….to speak that is. And you all know what I’m saying there!! So I say bear with me as I attempt in my own feeble way to communicate my experience and my heart since July 17th. (And I’m confident my “editorial staff” will dress up this weak attempt as well).

Let me start by saying I have an incredible wife. Not only is she the love of my life for 25 years of marriage this past week, but she is my best friend. She is my biggest encourager. She epitomizes the cliché “behind every good man is a strong woman” because she is just that for me. All of you know what a friend, an investor, an encourager, a teacher, and an example of gratitude and joy she is. Just imagine…Most get that part of her occasionally, but I get to be with her daily. I can only say I love my life with my wife. I did not need a crisis or adversity to confirm that; I’ve known it for a long time.

July 17, 2012 our life changed as you know. Tomi came home from her screening mammogram and said she knew it was abnormal, and they’d call her for repeat views. I, being the eternal optimist, said that they do that all the time, probably nothing, but we’ll get the extra views….nine days later we had a biopsy positive for breast cancer followed by surgery with the removal of the tumor. Now she’s undergoing chemotherapy to be followed by radiation therapy. You know the rest of the details from previous posts, and I’m here to tell you that her prognosis is very, very good….with treatment. But I also will tell you as a physician and husband, I still felt fear through this process. Not fear that her end result would be bad, fear that the process of treatment was not without risk of complications.

So now I come to tell you that my wife is strong, and I’m not. She even said during this process under the influence of pharmaceuticals, “I’m a tough cookie.” And repeated it over and over and over. But she’s right; she is a strong woman. And I’m here to tell you that I’m not a “tough cookie.” As a husband, I have seen myself as a protector of my family and especially my wife. But when this enemy, this battle came upon us, I was so disheartened and sad because I could not protect Tomi from this foe. Oh I have knives and guns and testosterone, but I feel helpless in this setting. Michalea said in her first post that I was hurting from a place they had not seen before, and she is so right. I have been hurting in a place even I didn’t recognize. I have been distressed because I couldn’t protect her from this, and I have been saddened because of her journey she must endure physically.

I find I cry frequently. I’m not gonna lie sometimes I think I cry like a “girl.” During those first days after diagnosis, in my morning quiet time, I’d cry to God to take this away from Tomi. Now I cry when I’m alone and not distracted by enough. The other day I was leaving church alone and cried on the way home….I don’t know why; I just did. Another day I was in a store, and they were having a bake sale for breast cancer awareness, and I bought some cookies wrapped in a pink ribbon and went to my truck and wept.

Brennan Manning in Ruthless Trust  says, “When the shadow of Jesus’ cross darkens our space, when pain and suffering intrude and our secure, well-regulated lives are blown apart, when tragedy makes its unwelcome appearance, and we are deaf to everything but the shriek of our own heartache, when courage flies out the window, and the world around us suddenly seems dark and menacing, self-pity is the first, normal unavoidable, and probably right reaction, and we only exhaust ourselves further if we attempt to suppress it. Human experience has taught me that there is no effective way to fight self-pity. Sure, we can spiritualize heartbreak, camouflage our emotions, and tap dance into religiosity. But such bravado is a denial of our humanity, and furthermore it does not work. We are not spiritual robots but sensitive persons.”

But he goes on to say not to stay in that place. It is a normal emotion, but there is a time it becomes pathologic. Ruthless means without pity. We need to have ruthless trust in a sovereign God and a compassionate Savior.

In Tuesdays with Morrie, the dying professor Morrie says regarding his terminal plight, “I give myself a good cry if I need it. But then I concentrate on all the good things still in my life.”

And that’s what I do. And I can’t begin to list all the good things that Tomi and I have in our lives. Let me start with three great adult kids. You’ve heard from Michalea and Laura and have heard their hearts, and they both have been tireless servants throughout this time. Clinton is also a fine young man with many talents and a giant-sized heart. Imagine, him holding me in his arms as I cried when they took Tomi into surgery. Our daughters have incredible husbands, and we are getting the best and sweetest daughter-in-law we could hope for in February.

We all knew Tomi was a huge investor in relationships with people, and we knew she had lots of friends…..but I don’t think any of us realized how many people and how far reaching her love, her ministry, her encouragement had reached until now.  The outpouring of the love of Jesus through the love and service of people, His hands and feet, to our family and Tomi has been overwhelming to say the least. People have been so kind and generous and considerate as well. With the upcoming race, Team Tomi continues to grow in numbers, reflecting the care and support for Tomi. I can’t say thanks enough but stand in awe of a loving God that wants to show us in real tangible ways that He loves us through others. Thanks to you ALL!!

To our young married couples…..and since I don’t have a Facebook page, I’ll say it here…..in your relationships with your spouse, don’t sweat the small stuff; keep your priorities right. Love your spouse with encouragement and serve one another always. Remember how special they are in your life.

We had a dear friend lose his wife to cancer recently. He was not aware yet of Tomi’s diagnosis. As I attended the visitation time at the funeral home (Tomi wasn’t able to attend), he hugged me, and he said, “go home and hug your wife and tell her you love her…and do it often.” Let me reaffirm that Tomi’s prognosis is very, very good, but when you hear the “Big C” word, it gives me pause and time to reflect on the importance of my awesome wife in my life.

So to you all…. Go hug someone dear to you and tell them you love them often because you never know when you may find yourself on…..

An unlikely journey.

2 Cor 12: 9-10

Faithful in the Battles

I'm recycling a post this week from 2009. I rarely recycle posts, but I was looking through my blog for something else, and I stumbled on this oldie-but-goodie.

Although the battles described here are now 7 years old and seem like so long ago, I felt encouraged by the reminder that God does fight for me!

Hope you'll be encouraged too:

I've been reading through Deuteronomy, and the shortened version of the Israelite's' story. Already, the Lord has made so many applications relevant in my own life. In Chapter 2, the Lord raises up a new generation to begin moving in the direction of the Promised Land. The first step in that direction is a battle. If you read in verses 30-31, it states that God hardened the king's heart, causing the battle. It's possible that the Israelites could have peaceably passed through, or that the King of Sihon would have just let them pass, as the kings did in Seir and Ar. 

But God needed to begin to lay a foundation of faith in their hearts that 1) There will be many battles, and 2) that God will fight for them. Of course, the older generation knew this from Egypt--but God was laying a new foundation of faith in these Israelites' hearts that wasn't just about what He did then, but what He could do now.

Sometimes God makes the path more difficult and causes a battle, in order to show us a greater victory.

In Chapter 3, God builds on their victory in Sihon to fight a greater battle: not just a city, but an entire Kingdom--Bashan. Sihon was baby steps of faith building to a greater battle, just as Bashanwill be baby steps to the greater battle that is Jerricho and beyond into the Promised Land. And each step along the way, God reminds them gently, "Remember, I fight for you." 

In Chapter 4, Moses pauses to remind them to keep these works of God hidden in their hearts, that they don't forget what He's done and depart from Him. Though Moses predicts that the Israelites will one day disobey and forget--and be scattered--God, in his mercy, will take them back when they begin to seek Him again.

In my own life, I think about all the mini financial battles the Lord has brought us through this year--just to show that He fights for us, and He is faithful. In January, we thought we'd owe $1500 from Howell's wreck, but God took care of it. In February, we unexpectedly owed $1600. And God provided. In March, I went to Pennsylvania, which costs us another $1500 in flights and hotels. But God provided again. All the while, we were trying to save money to buy a house--yet these expenses we hadn't anticipated kept coming up.

But in May, God had doubled our savings, in a way we can't explain--just to say that He did it.

In June, we found a house, and we prayed for the Lord to provide our closing costs, and He did. In July, we closed on our FIRST home--and all the extra money we thought we'd put into savings that month was nearly spent on other factors. In August, we thought we were ready to finally start saving again, when we received heart-breaking news--the greatest test of all--that we owed $6000 to Howell's company (they'd been taking the wrong amount out of his checks), and that we'd be losing nearly half his paycheck each month.

We cried out to the Lord and told Him we weren't prepared. We panicked and worried about how we'd make it. We tried to "fix it" ourselves, by taking me off Howell’s insurance to cut out $500/mo in expenses. But God had a plan and a purpose. And in September, He miraculously provided the money we needed--yes, all $6000 (that in itself is another cool story! :)). And He allowed me to get back on Howell's insurance (after the enrollment period), despite the strain it will place on our budget, because He wanted to be the one who fights our battles.

And even though this month, Howell will only receive 1/3 of his paycheck, to cover these insurance costs, God has already caused our bank accounts to be filled and our needs to be met. You see, when we are faithful to tithe and to give above the tithe to ministries He puts in our heart, to the point that we begin to say, "God it's not our money, but yours," He is faithful to return to us tenfold what we need. Like the Israelites, God used this whole year--nearly 10 months now--to bring us into a new battle.

And each time, He showed us, "It is I who fight for you."

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The Joy and Gratefulness of Being Aunt Lala

I love my sister. I love that our personalities are completely opposite. I was reminded of this recently when we exchanged cars so I could keep Canyon for the afternoon. I stepped out of my car that was clean and vacuumed into my sister’s car—with more water bottles than you could count and last month’s mail in the front seat. Some people might call that motherhood, but I know the truth. (And by the way, that new reality may be true for me someday.) But Michaela’s car has looked like that for as long as she’s been driving. I know this because I would shove the papers and the water bottles out of the way as I sat in her purple blazer, waiting for her to drive me to school. I say waiting because I was downstairs and ready a good 20 minutes early every morning…so I could wait…

People have asked me: Is it hard being around Canyon? Have you struggled since your sister had a baby? I would say there have been hard days, but we—Michalea and I—we have wept together. That’s how we do things in our family. Together.

I’ve never been around a lot of babies in my lifetime. Apart from holding a baby here and there once or twice a year, I hadn’t been around babies. And getting to be around Canyon these last six months, I now know it was God’s gift to me that my sister got pregnant before me. I don’t say that lightly. I say that with genuine gratitude. I would not want to walk what I’ve watched her walk for six months without first watching her walk it.

I’m so proud of my sister. She’s an incredible mom. Of course, I knew she would be. When it came to playing with baby dolls, she had the whole mom thing down. But watching her in action, in real time, my heart just swells with joy. I’ve spent my whole life watching her, observing, learning from her choices. Why would I think motherhood would be any different? God knew what I needed.

Canyon is her gift from God. Her blessing. I prayed for him as fervently as I’ve prayed for anything. But in an indirect way, he’s my blessing, too. I love being his Aunt Lala/Lulu (depending on who you ask!). I love him deeply.

I’m not a gifts person. I’m not a words of affirmation person, either. I’m a quality time person. It’s how I show love, and it’s how I receive love. I cultivate relationships with time. That’s my thing. So after Canyon was born, I wanted to spend as much time as I could with him—and when school started again, I wanted one day—at least one—that I could spend with him. Come hell or high water, I don’t care how much grading I have to do, Wednesdays are my day.

I know he won’t remember it. To him, it doesn’t matter if we played games or if I held him while he slept. But it matters to me. I’ll remember.

This last week, I cried almost the whole way to Lubbock to pick him up. My heart was so full of joy as I prayed for him and for my sister and for Jaime. And when, after his afternoon bottle, after he had exhausted himself playing in his bouncer, after we had sung songs and made silly faces—when he fell asleep on me for almost an hour, I cried some more.

God knew that I needed this experience. He knew I needed a baby to hold. And while we wait for our own joy and blessing, I have this gift, this sweet boy. And one day a week, I get to practice being a mom.  

This year has been a precious time for Hal and me. And although life hasn’t always turned out how I planned it, I have never felt more fully the goodness and the faithfulness of God in this season of my life.   I am grateful for His timing, for His perfect plan, and I feel so blessed. 

Trusting God with our dreams AND our finances: God's 'how' with our 'what'

On Sunday, our church had a message on finances, and I was struck by one comment in particular: finances fall under the law of sowing and reaping.

You see, we make financial choices today, good or bad, but we may not feel those effects for years to come. I've been thinking about that. We are pretty budget-conscious when it comes to our finances. We tithe, give, and save from 30% of our budget, and we try to pay our bills and live on 70%. We're not perfect, and we're not debt-free, but this practice has worked pretty well for us. 

There are days, however, when it's so tempting to think, man, if we could just use this for this, then we could have X outcome, maybe pay off X amount of debt; man, if we could just have a little more here and there, we would be set!

And that's the danger. Not the planning, the budgeting, certainly not the savings--but the mentality that if we can get to X place, we will be worry-free, our future secure. 

The danger lies in who controls your finances, in where you place your trust, in how you lean when uncertainty arises. 

The danger is forgetting that all we have is His. 

In our culture today, we like the law of immediacy, the law of "I snap, and it's done." And we look around to see where everyone else is in comparison to where we are. There's a reason keeping up with the Joneses is still a thing. 

But it's such a trap, with no long-term reward. 

I've been reading Psalm 37, and David describes two time frames: the right now and the future. Over and over, he is saying, now, it looks like this, but then, it will look like that. 

What does the future look like for the righteous man*? His righteousness will be brought forth (v. 6); he will inherit the land (vs., 9, 11, 22, 29, 34); he will have abundant peace (v. 11); he has a heritage that lasts forever (v. 18); he has abundance in the days of famine (v. 19); he is generous (now and then) (v. 21); he is not forsaken; his children are taken care of and are a blessing to him (v. 25 - 26); he is preserved (v. 28), not abandoned (v. 33), defended (v. 33). 

What an incredible list of promises! But it's a future list, not a present-day list. It's about sowing today for a harvest tomorrow. 

So what does the righteous man sow today? 

• He trusts in the Lord (v. 3, 5)
• He does good (v. 3)
• He delights in the Lord (v. 4)
• He commits his ways to the Lord (v. 5)
• He is still before the Lord (v. 7)
• He waits for the Lord (v. 7, 9)
• And he gives generously (v. 21)

That last bullet is not an accident. The big idea of last Sunday's message was that we cannot follow Jesus if we are out of balance with our finances. The righteous man in Psalm 37 is a faithful, patient, surrendered servant of the Lord. He does not compare himself to others (v. 7). He is not worried about the Joneses. 

He keeps his eyes on God, and he continues on the path before him. 

We've been reading The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson, and we have been dreaming some pretty big dreams, asking God for the impossible, the unlikely, circling desires we only whispered about as silly pillow-talk before bed. 

Big prayers don't scare God. They scare us because it's not the what but the how: how could we do that? 

And when it comes to the how, it often returns to money. That's why I think Sunday's message was so timely. Finances operate under the law of sowing and reaping. You know what? So does prayer. We sow prayers today that may not be answered for 5, 10, 15, 20 years. 

The how is God's place of miracles; the what is our heart of dreams. 

The what puts us on a path... 

Sometimes, we forget that we are 28 years old. It's okay that our savings isn't overflowing with tens of thousands of dollars (or even the Ramsey recommended 3-times your monthly expenses!). It's okay that our kids' college funds aren't fully funded (yeah, we don't have any kids yet; I think we've still got time!). And it's okay that our combined retirement funds don't even equal one-third of what we make in a given year. 

God's got all the time in the world. 

Our job is to dream big, pray big, and say yes when He asks. May we be patient, trusting, giving servants today! 

*If you're a woman and the list of 'man promises' here is hard for you, I always insert she when I read (i.e. She will inherit the land; she will have abundant peace, etc.). God's kingdom is full of righteous men and women. :) 

What does "Not my will, but Yours" look like?

Every morning for a week. Seven days. The words replay in my head over and over and over again. His prayer in the garden: “not my will, but yours.”

But how? How does He get there? What does that even mean? Not my will, but yours? What does that look like? For me. For Laura. Today. September 15, 2013.

I can't find where I first journaled about these words, where the revelation hit me square in the face. His words--He, too, begged:

"O, Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will" (Matthew 26:39).

I read it again in Mark and in Luke: 

“Abba Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will but what You will” (Mark 14:36).

“Father, if it is Your will, take this cup away from Me; nevertheless not My will but Yours be done” (Luke 22:42).

But the cup could not pass; there was no other way for salvation. He had to endure the cross.  This was the plan for redemption—that He who knew no sin would become sin, on our behalf, that we might become the righteousness of God in Him (2 Cor 5:21). 

And so, it says, He prayed again—a second time: "O My Father, if this cup cannot pass away from Me unless I drink it, Your will be done." (Matthew 26:42). And in John, we see total acceptance: to Peter, He says, "Put your sword into the sheath. Shall I not drink the cup which My Father has given Me?" (John 18:11).

And there, in His words, I'm encouraged: He, fully human, God's only son, asked for a different plan. And, He, too, received a "No."  

But what does He do? Does he throw a fit? Does he become offended?  Of course not. He—fully human, fully perfect—sets the example: "Not my will, but yours." 

And so, for seven days, I've been thinking about that. What does that mean? What does “not my will, but yours” look like lived out? 

Just this week, I’ve had several women tell me they’re encouraged to read my blog. My first thought, I’ll admit, is something along the lines of What? People actually read this? But my second thought—the one that captivates me most—is pure fear: What if blogger Laura looks fantastic, but real Laura…not so much?

And here’s the truth God showed me: What people read and relate to is your vulnerability. When you’re willing to be vulnerable, you open a door to others that says it’s okay to be vulnerable. And when we’re vulnerable, we’re honest. With ourselves and with others.

Because here’s the other truth: Blogger Laura and Real-Life Laura do not have it all together.

And you know what?  That’s okay.

My vulnerability for today:  It's hard for me to admit that because, if I’m honest, I’d really rather have it all together. I’d rather be that woman of faith—already. Arrived. Complete. I see her in others—but it’s hard to see her in me.

The last seven days have been hard, but when I surrender, when I talk to the Lord about my heart—where I really am, I find that I’m right where He wants me to be. From the beginning of this journey, I told the Lord: I want to be real as I walk through this. Often we give our testimony after the fact. But I didn’t want that. I wanted to give my testimony during the journey.

And I’ve learned two incredible truths so far: 

1. The greater the hope, the greater the risk of disappointment. (And related: the greater the wait, the longer the delay—the sweeter the reward.)
2.  If my circumstances do not change, God is no less good and no less faithful.

 But I’ve learned some other things, too—that it’s okay to be offended with the Lord. He can take it. It’s not okay to stay there. But it’s okay to be there. For a time. 

It’s also okay to play the “What if” game. What if this doesn’t work? What if this—this thing I want—isn’t supposed to happen? What if ______ (Fill in the blank: worst case scenario)? But it’s not okay to stay there. It’s not okay to live there.

And above all: it’s okay to not be okay. Jesus was not okay in the garden as He prayed, as He begged: isn’t there another way? can there be a different plan?

This week, I’ve not been okay. I've been thinking all along if I just pray enough and beg enough and DO enough and have enough faith, I can somehow change God's will. I can make it like mine. But that's just not true--and I don't think that's what He desires of me. 

He desires a heart that says—that really says—not my will, but yours.

So what does that look like? Maybe it’s the choice to choose Him, to choose that He is sufficient for me. He is enough. He is Abba.

Maybe it means I change the way I pray—change what I demand. I’ve begged for my way, and now it’s time to stop; it’s time for my heart to align with whatever He wants, with whatever He wills.

I want to learn what He desires of me, and I only want to desire what He desires. I want to learn to really hide my heart in Him, to hide my expectations in Him, to be content that He is sufficient.

Not my will, but yours.

Giving thanks

I don’t think my faith has ever been tested quite to the extent that it’s being tested right now. Three days this week—Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday—I literally shook my fists at God. I screamed. I questioned His goodness, His faithfulness. And I yelled, “Enough!” Enough is enough. I could rattle off a dozen “unfair” things in my life right now—miracles I’ve begged for, requests I’ve petitioned Him for—none of which is happening.

But then I remember an important truth You taught me. Eucharisteo. Thankfulness precedes the miracle. Eucharisteo. He broke the bread. And gave thanks. And then sacrificed himself—His willingness to die so that I might live. Not only am I reminded that this life is about more than the here and now, but also sometimes the choice of thanks precedes the miracle. Sometimes the choice of thanks is in the middle of the hardest hour.

We choose to give thanks even before the miracle. We choose the hard thanks. We choose, instead, a life of thankfulness. 

And a life of thankfulness remembers all that I have. An attitude of thankfulness remembers the miracles He has performed when it doesn’t feel like He hears my prayers at all. I short change God when the moment he doesn’t perform, I accuse Him of unfaithfulness; I count the miracle as lost. But the truth is I can attest to a lot of prayers He has answered. Miracles big and small He has performed. And usually, the miracle is when I least expect it or when His timing is better than I could have planned.

My faith is weak, my unbelief, strong, and my view of God, small when I am quick to be angry for all that He hasn’t done. Oh how I lose sight of all that He has done.

Today—my family drove 45 miles, the boys crammed in the third row seats, to help decorate my office and see “my world” in Plainview. Today—the dean of my department, my new colleague and friend came up to the school to say “Hi” and meet my family. Today alone I am reminded of His goodness. Today I am reminded: I am blessed. 

Faithful in the Battles

I've been reading through Deuteronomy, and the shortened version of the Israelite's' story. Already, the Lord has made so many applications relevant in my own life. In Chapter 2, the Lord raises up a new generation to begin moving in the direction of the Promised Land. The first step in that direction is a battle. If you read in verses 30-31, it states that God hardened the king's heart, causing the battle. It's possible that the Israelites could have peaceably passed through, or that the King of Sihon would have just let them pass, as the kings did in Seir and Ar. But God needed to begin to lay a foundation of faith in their hearts that 1) There will be many battles, and 2) that God will fight for them. Of course, the older generation knew this from Egypt--but God was laying a new foundation of faith in these Israelites' hearts that wasn't just about what He did then, but what He could do now.

Sometimes God makes the path more difficult and causes a battle, in order to show us a greater victory.

In Chapter 3, God builds on their victory in Sihon to fight a greater battle: not just a city, but an entire Kingdom--Bashan. Sihon was baby steps of faith building to a greater battle, just as Bashan will be baby steps to the greater batle that is Jerricho and beyond into the Promised Land. And each step along the way, God reminds them gently, "Remember, I fight for you." In Chapter 4, Moses pauses to remind them to keep these works of God hidden in their hearts, that they don't forget what He's done and depart from Him. Though Moses predicts that the Israelites will one day disobey and forget--and be scattered--God, in his mercy, will take them back when they begin to seek Him again.

In my own life, I think about all the mini financial battles the Lord has brought us through this year--just to show that He fights for us, and He is faithful. In January, we thought we'd owe $1500 from Hal's wreck, but God took care of it. In February, we unexpectedly owed $1600. And God provided. In March, I went to Pennsylvania, which costs us another $1500 in flights and hotels. But God provided again. All the while, we were trying to save money to buy a house--yet these expenses we hadn't anticipated kept coming up.

But in May, God had doubled our savings, in a way we can't explain--just to say that He did it.

In June, we found a house, whose closing costs we would not have enough to pay for. And we prayed, and God provided a way. In July, we moved--and all the extra money we thought we'd put into savings that month was nearly spent on other factors--visits to family nearly every weekend and purchases for the house. In August, we thought we were ready to finally start saving again, when we received heart-breaking news--the greatest test of all--that we owed $6000 to Hal's company (they'd been taking the wrong amount out of his checks), and that we'd be losing nearly half his paycheck each month.

We cried out to the Lord and told Him we weren't prepared. We panicked and worried about how we'd make it. We tried to "fix it" ourselves, by taking me off Hal's insurance to cut out $500/mo in expenses. But God had a plan and a purpose. And in September, He provided the money we needed--yes, all $6000. And He put me back on Hal's insurance, despite the strain it will place on our budget, because He wanted to be the one who fights our battles.

And even though this month, Hal will only receive 1/3 of his paycheck, to cover these insurance costs, God has already caused our bank accounts to be filled and our needs to be met. You see, when we are faithful to tithe and to give above the tithe to ministries He puts in our heart, to the point that we begin to say, "God it's not our money, but yours," He is faithful to return to us tenfold what we need. Like the Israelites, God used this whole year--nearly 10 months now--to bring us into a new battle.

And each time, He showed us, "It is I who fight for you."

One Year!

Hal and I celebrated our one-year anniversary last weekend. This week has been crazy (my last week of summer school), but I wanted to post pictures from our trip. We went to Dallas Friday night and stayed through Sunday. During the day on Saturday, we went to the Dallas Arboretum. It was amazing! Kind of humid and sticky, but the plants and flowers were so beautiful. Hal really gets into landscaping stuff, so we had a great time trying to go around a guess the names of trees and plants. :) Plus, we got some ideas for our own house...
I thought this looked so peaceful...

For dinner on Saturday, we went to PF Chang's. Yeah for lettuce wraps!! :) And afterwards, we went to see The Proposal.

Sunday was our official anniversary day. I can't believe it's been a year already. It seems like it went so fast. We sat down Sunday night and made a list of our favorite memories from the year. I was overwhelmed by the Lord's goodness as we shared stories and reminded each other of fun dates and even just nights that weren't planned, but ended up being so special for us. I am so blessed to be married to him, and I know I tell God that all the time, but I think remembering MY blessing is so essential. This year hasn't always been easy; we've faced trials in our marriage, but we have grown a lot too. And I think with every trial we face, we became stronger because we determined to stick through anything together, not separated! I know we will always be tested, and certainly it's Satan's chief desire to drive a wedge between us, but days like Sunday, days when we remember how much fun we have, how much we love each other and how special our marriage is, are encouraging to me and give me confidence that God will always sustain us.

It has been a good year. God has been more than faithful to us. He has taught us to trust Him with our hearts, with our lives, and with everything we own. He continues to teach us how to love and serve each other, and what becoming "one" looks like. I look forward to many more years with my wonderful, wonderful blessing!

A new house; a faithful God

Well, I am going to "brave" adding pictures to a post....

Here are a few pictures from our new house:

We love our home, and feel absolutely blessed to have it. God is so good!

Sometimes, when you ask God for something, it takes a little patience. Always, it requires faith and trusting in Him...and releasing control. But, in the end, He is faithful. When I think about the last semester, and our "house hunting" experiences, I am overwhelmed to see how God's hand has guided us in all things. First, He guided us financially to save, and to be good stewards of His money. He taught us to trust Him, which was a lesson more than needed in the final few weeks of getting the house. Second, He guided us to wait for His best. At one point, we almost bought a house that we really thought we wanted. When I look at this house that He gave us, I see not only what he kept us from doing, but also that in waiting, His greater blessing was yet to come! Finally, He guided us to trust Him and lean on Him, rather than ourselves. There were moments I thought we'd never find a house. Then, when we found this house, there were moments when I thought it wasn't going to work out. But He'd gently nudge us, and say, "trust me." And we did. What a wonderful way to see in reality the meaning of Proverbs 16:9 come to life!

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

p.s. I won't go into the details for how long adding pictures took me to figure out! :)

The Faithfulness of God

Today is mine and Hal's 11 month anniversary! And I know that soon we won't be counting "months" anymore (pretty much after this month...), so I wanted to mark this day as important. We have seen God's faithfulness in incredible ways these last 11 months. Marriage has been fun and exciting-- like everyone said our "honeymoon-first-year" would be. We've laughed a lot. Taken a lot of road trips. And enjoyed our "quality time," that is essential to the function of our relationship! But it's also been a learning curve... learning about grace and forgiveness, learning to love someone more than yourself (!), which also means learning to be selfless. I think the greatest lesson in these 11 months though is that I feel like Hal and I have taken everything that has been thrown at us this year--and walked through it together. God has shown me what it looks like to become one, and even though I think "becoming one" takes a lifetime, I think it's an amazing feeling to know that no matter what I face or what he faces (or what we face), we will go through it together. If I've learned anything in these 11 months it's that our hearts have been bound, and even when I want to be mad or if I want to be hurt, I can't stay disconnected from him because we're one.

We closed on our first house on Monday. I can't really describe the feeling that gives me-- accomplishment, pride (in a good way), and yet humility (at God's goodness). To drive up to our home, I was overwhelmed with joy at God's faithfulness in working everything out. I know that Hal and I won't spend a lifetime here, but this will always be our first house. We'll always come back to Lubbock (if we ever move away ;-)) and say "That's the first house we ever lived in." And then we'll have a bunch of stories to tell (probably beginning with Riley did this and Charlie did that--and remember how we used to always do this or that). I just think that's an amazing beginning. And even though Hal and I's "beginning" began August 2, 2008-- this is another beginning. A new chapter. And I feel very blessed to be turning the page, as we continue to grow and mature.