A Deeper Look at 1 John 4: Love Perfected

Can we be honest? Sometimes when we read 1 John, it feels condemning. One example? “Anyone who does not love does not know God” (4:8).  

Yikes! We can read that and think, well, I’ve sure had plenty of ‘unloving’ moments, so I guess I don’t know God.  

Sigh. Grumble. Grumble. Cry.  

Right?  

But to read and study 1 John, we have to first understand John as a person. He considered himself Jesus’s favorite and repeatedly refers to himself in the book of John as ‘the one Jesus loved.’ Seems pretty bold, huh? 

Actually, John just had a deep, deep, DEEP understanding of who he is in Christ. He is, I think, one of the best pictures of a disciple walking in his identity in Christ. And so yeah, he comes across a little arrogant sometimes, a little over-confident, but if we read his words in the context of his full and complete confidence in who he is in Christ, then we can see why he makes the bold statements that he makes.  

And the more I study him, the more I can see his style of writing, where what feels like a super bold (and condemning) statement is usually explained in more context if we continue reading and also if we make connections from earlier statements to later statements. And always those statements are rooted in an understanding of either who God is or who we are in Christ, as believers with His spirit and new nature.  

I’ve been meditating on chapter 4, specifically verses 16 through 18 because I have been consumed with quite a bit of fear and anxiety lately. It started with verse 18—and again, we can read this and think, gosh, I’m fearful. I guess God’s love is not perfected in me. Sigh. Sigh. Grumble. Grumble. Cry.  

First, we need context. Let’s start in verse 12. It says, “No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.”  

It feels like this means love is perfected in us, if/when we love one another.  

We love >> then God abides >> then love is perfected  

But keep reading... 

John explains how we know that we abide in Him and He in us: we have his Spirit (v. 13), we have the gospel testimony (v. 14), and we confess Jesus as the son of God (v. 15).  

Now we get to what I’ve been meditating on—verses 16 through 18: 

“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love, abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment because as He is so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”  

After we know that we abide in Him (i.e. we have his Spirit, we believe the gospel testimony, we confess Jesus as the son of God—in other words, we’re born-again believers), THEN we have come to know and to believe the love God has for us (v. 16).  

Now we see that God is love and to abide in love is to abide in God and to have God abide in us.  

THEN is love perfected—“by this...” (v. 17).  

So when John says (v. 18), whoever fears has not been perfected in love, it means he who is fearing/fearful is not abiding in God nor God in Him. There’s a disconnect.  

When we disconnect, we fear. When we fear, we expect punishment. When we expect punishment, we have forgotten the love of God—what we first came to know and believe.  

The more deeply we’re rooted in our identity in Christ, the more fully we accept His love for us, the less likely we will be to walk in fear.  

 

Pray!

We talk a lot about different things you can do to improve your marriage, like communicating, developing good financial practices, and prioritizing marriage and family time. To tell you the truth though, none of those can be as powerful a force in your marriage as prayer. There is just no substitute. I want to address a few areas of prayer for you marriage today.

First, pray with your spouse. This sounds simple, but very few people make it a point to do this outside of praying for meals and true emergencies. I was inspired by one of my good friends and brother in Christ a few years ago who makes it a point to pray with his wife and kids every night before bed. At first it was awkward for him. He didn’t feel that he was “good” at it, but in reality, his family respected him immensely for it. I also didn’t feel that I was that good at it. I’m not great at using all the “Christianese” expressions in my prayers, but God hears them. I know He does. I see the results.

Next, pray for your spouse. Make this a priority in your life. You love this person more than anyone else on the planet. Pray for them! Pray they have a good day. Pray for protection. Pray for health. Pray for the things that you know need to change. There is no better way to see change in someone’s life than to pray for it. You don’t have to be eloquent. Just be fervent.

Lastly, and this is not repetitive: Pray for your marriage. God knows your marriage better than either of you. He knows what is needed to change it in a great way. Pray for that and believe it will happen. He will work miracles!

So, in case you haven’t gotten the message here, prayer is an important pillar of your marriage. I told Laura that would be a short blog because I could really sum it up in one sentence: Prayer will change your marriage. Period.


~Howell
@G2WHubs

Important Moments

I’ve talked before about being present in your marriage, but it's on my mind right now. In the days of smartphones and Facebook, it can’t be emphasized enough. Our society is heading in a direction where quality time is just not a priority. I want to be specific in encouraging you to be present today. Be present in the moments that matter. Be present when it’s most important.

This week, I was spending some time with Laura when we had a long drive, but it seemed like everything was going wrong at work without me there. To be honest, I worked more than I had to. To be even more honest, I didn’t help solve the situation at work very much either. I just wasted an afternoon. This wasn’t one of those important-times-that-I’ll-remember-for-the-rest-of-my-life moments, but it got me to thinking about them.

As I’m writing this, we are at a family retreat for Laura’s family. It’s one of those times when we’ll make memories that actually do last a lifetime. We have nephews and grandparents and everything in between. I got to thinking about times in my life when I haven't been present for those moments. A phone call comes in or a work emergency presents itself. Has that happened to you?

Every day, there are moments with our spouse or family to cherish. These are times we’ll never get back, and we may never get to have again. Only God knows what tomorrow holds. Don’t be the absent dad, mom, husband, or wife that only got to see the video. There is no replacement for the best of memories. Be there for all the “remember that one time” that you can.

~Howell

@G2WHubs

Brag much?

Do you want to make your spouse feel loved?

Of course you do! I think most married couples desire to demonstrate their love to each other, but sometimes the problem is knowing how to make your spouse feel loved. That's why books like The Five Love Languages stay on the bestsellers lists (and if you've never read it, I'd highly recommend you do).

But I was thinking this morning about one way to make your spouse feel loved that is perhaps a universal love language:

Brag on your husband or wife--in public!

This is something I think Howell does really well. Last week, I shared with you about my experiences at ACFW. I've had some people ask me if I knew I was going to win the award beforehand because Howell was already filming before they announced it.

Nope, I definitely didn't know. And neither did he, except in his gut.

Not only did he capture the moment on video, but he started sharing it with all our friends and family--and eventually on Facebook.

On Monday, he came home and was talking about how he'd showed the video to his coworkers.

Y'all, my heart floated right out of my chest.

He was bragging about me? And my Christian fiction romance book? To a bunch of men? At work?

*Swoon.*

I know this demonstration of love goes both ways. When I brag about Howell to my friends or in front of him, it makes him feel loved and respected.

It's a small thing, but it means so much. This week, be mindful of moments when you're in a group with your spouse--and then take a second to brag.  You'll fill your spouse's love cup. 

Complementary Strengths

As I write this, the ACFW conference is only a few days away, and Laura is preparing pitches and finalizing one sheets. This is always an exciting time of year for us, with optimism and anticipation abounding. It also reminds me of our differences, though. I am not a brilliant writer, and frankly, I don’t want to be. But I’m so glad she has found this thing that she is both passionate about and very talented at. As her husband, I get to use my business and management talents and have the chance to help her network and make career turning decisions. That is very exciting for me! I’m thankful that we have different strengths and weaknesses so we can complement each other.

I can’t think of a single couple whose strengths and weaknesses even come close to aligning. We all have different things we are good and not good at. For a big part of our dating and then early marriage relationship, these opposing strengths and weaknesses really seemed to make our lives more difficult. We each had expectations of the other to do and think like we did. Guess what, folks?! We didn’t. I see this all the time in other relationships, and sometimes it evens tears them apart.

If you are reading this, have you recently thought this about your spouse: “Why would he/she say/do that?! It’s infuriating and makes no sense!” Well, your spouse is different from you. They see things differently, and they may just not be as good as you at certain things. For example, I have a terrible memory. If I’m going to remember something, I have to write it down. Laura remembers just about everything. It was really hard for her, for a long time, to understand how I could forget that we had this or that event coming up or that I needed to take care of this or that. Once she realized that remembering wasn’t my strength, and I realized that I needed to try to write things down more, we rarely argue about that issue. I have other strengths that she finds really helpful, and we balance each other out.

Looping back to ACFW, we are a team. Each of us has different talents and strengths that offset one another, and hopefully, someday, we'll get to see Laura share her incredible stories with the world. As her husband, that teamwork makes me very happy. So, if you find yourself bothered by your spouse’s differences, try teaming up by aligning your complementary strengths. I think you’ll like it much better.


~Howell

@G2WHubs

The Power of Two

In Ecclesiastes 4, Solomon writes,

Two are better than one,

because they have a good reward for their labor.

For if they fall, one will lift up his companion.

But woe to him who is alone when he falls,

for he has no one to help him up.

Again, if two lie down together,

they will keep warm;

but how can one be warm alone?

Though one may be overpowered by another,

two can withstand him.

A threefold cord is not quickly broken.

I have long believed that the enemy attacks marriages because he knows the power of two.

Two have a good reward for their labor.

Two can lift each other up.

Two can keep warm together.

Two can withstand the enemy.

You put God in the center of that marriage, and you’ve got a threefold cord—the kind that ties down massive ships or anchors airplanes. Solid. Sturdy. Strong. 

My favorite part of Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 is the verse that if one falls, the other is there to lift him up. What a beautiful picture. I can look back at seasons of my life where Howell has stood in the gap for me spiritually, and I thank God I didn’t have to fall by myself or stay down with no one to lift me up and point me back to Jesus.

The enemy is no dummy. He knows how powerful a couple can be in His kingdom, which is why he works so hard to destroy our marriages.

So this is what’s on my heart, married friends:

1. Be grateful for two. You’re not alone. God has given you a partner in life—and if, for whatever reason, there’s a tear in your rope, do all that’s in your power to mend it. You need each other. God designed us this way. Your spouse is a gift. So if you feel alone, if you’re feel like you’re doing it all by yourself, ask God to change your hearts and to restore the relationship so that you can work together.

2. Protect the cord. Whether we’re talking about a big expense or a parenting decision, you've got to be on the same page. Don’t let something or someone wedge itself between you and your spouse. Be a team. The enemy wants to divide. Don’t give him the victory in your marriage—whether it’s a small skirmish or a giant battle. Pray for God to give you a unified heart and vision because you’re stronger together.

3. Fight the enemy. The beauty of two is they can withstand the enemy. One alone may be overpowered, but not two. Be proactive in spiritual warfare. Pray over your husband or wife on a daily basis. It’s hard to have unforgiveness or bitterness in your heart when you’re lifting your spouse up in prayer. We need to be aware and alert to guard our marriages by being actively engaged in resisting the enemy. He only has the authority we give over to him. Ours is the victory.

I pray you’ll be encouraged to appreciate the value of two—and if you’re struggling to see that value, reach out to someone and be honest. Don’t stay in the dark. Seek wise counsel. The enemy wants to keep us silent about marriage struggles, but sometimes you have to verbalize them to bring about freedom. Decide today that you’ll fight for your marriage.

Lessons Learned in 10 Years

Ten years goes by in the blink of an eye, and yet it feels as if we’ve been married forever. I can’t imagine life without Laura, and I love the life we’ve built together. Ten years ago, this month she made me the happiest man in the world by saying “I do.” I wanted to share four things that I’ve learned in ten years that you might find helpful.

1. Set realistic expectations. When we got married, the only marriage I knew up close was my parents. Naturally, my vision of marriage was theirs. While they have an incredible marriage that stands as a testament to their love and maturity, I didn’t see all of it. I never saw them fight, so I didn’t think they did. Now, years later, I realize that they do, and I just didn’t see it. I didn’t know how often it was okay to argue and what it was okay to argue about. You’re probably thinking, “That’s silly Howell, do what feels right,” but I was genuinely worried when we even had the most minor spat. Now, years into this and having talked to many couples, I know that my expectations were ridiculous. Don’t set crazy expectations. I wouldn’t even set expectations for your spouse and how they will act until you know them in the intimate setting of marriage. We all have to find what fits us and what we are willing to give to put this life together. High expectations only make that harder. 
2. Listen first, talk later. My mouth has done far more damage in our marriage than I would’ve believed possible. I’m a pretty quiet guy, but I’ve learned that I’m much quicker to draw conclusions than I thought. I’m also not a mind reader, and neither are you. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to listen first about a dozen times. 
3. Don’t hold it in. Be open. Laura and I have found so much freedom in sharing everything. When there are no secrets, life is much simpler. So, if you are upset and keeping that from your spouse to protect them, you are only making things worse. I know this from experience.
4. Never walk away in anger. It seems like everyone says this, but it is so true. Laura often jokes about how I want to deal with things right now and not later. That comes from experience. Walking away to “cool down” or “catch your breath” usually just gives you time to think about why you are right and your spouse more time to be hurt. Storming off never helped a marriage.

Hopefully this has been helpful. We have been more blessed than I could’ve ever hoped for, and I pray the same for you. May you have many happy years together!

~Howell

@G2WHubs

My Man's Father's Heart

I love this man of mine. He is not a father, but he has such a father’s heart. 

The other day, my nephew had a birthday party. There was tons of water and four-year-old laughter in my sister’s backyard. Howell taught Canyon how to squirt the water soaker before the party started (which means he had half the adults in our family soaked before the kids arrived—thanks, Uncle Hal).

At one point, I look up, and he’s on the playground, pushing a kid on the swing we barely know.

A week before my dad had sent me this picture of him with my youngest nephew, Case. We had a girls night at Board and Brush, and Howell hung out with my nephews and brother-in-law. At the end of the night, I think he said he saw the same three trolls episodes 47 times. Now that’s love.

A week later, we’re in Killeen with his brother’s kids, celebrating a niece’s graduation. Anytime Howell was seated, the youngest was in his lap, and wherever he went, his nieces and nephews were not far. 

And just this week, I’ve listened to him mentor young men, encouraging them at work and counseling them about their marriages or families.

We may not have kids yet, but already God is using him as a father figure in the lives of so many. 

It reminded me of the time I learned about Having Faith in the Gap, that morning when my tears were not lady-like and my hubs pulled me to the front for prayer and a man and a woman who are now friends of ours prayed over us. And I’ll never forget—this is almost 5 years ago—the man looked at Howell and said you were created to be a father. And then he prayed for Howell’s father’s heart.

We’re still in the gap, but you know what? Time doesn’t stop while we wait for answered prayers. And God has the opportunity to impart His Father’s heart into others because of Howell’s willingness to love and invest in those relationships. 

So, Sunday is Father’s Day. If your hubs is a father, thank him for the role he plays in your kid’s life. Don’t criticize, even if you wish he’d do something different. Just thank him. 

If you're a single mom, thank the father figures God's put in your children's lives. 

And if your hubs isn’t a father yet, then speak life into those dreams and encourage him to use his gifts for other young people, the ones we get to practice on til we have our own. :)

This is the body of Christ working together to demonstrate God's heart for us, His desire that we know Him as a good Dad--the best Dad ever. 

Who's Responsible?

Dr. Eggerichs ends the Love and Respect DVDs with an important final point: “My response is my responsibility.”

We are to love our spouse or respect our spouse, as unto the Lord, which means it’s not really about that person. It’s about my relationship with God and whether I’m going to be obedient to what He’s asked me to do.

What has He asked?

The message is real clear in Ephesians 5:33: Husbands, love your wives, and Wives, respect your husband.

It’s not easy—but it’s not rocket science. 

So this phrase, “My response is my responsibility,” reminds me I’m in control of my own action and not anyone else’s.

It makes me think of my favorite Danny Silk quote: “The only person I can control on a good day is me.”

Although in the heat of an argument, it’s so tempting to assert that our husbands are making us mad, or hurt, or whatever it is we’re feeling, the truth is, they’re not. We are choosing to feel the way we feel.

Even if your hubs is in the wrong, you’re still choosing your response.

So I’ve been thinking about this message—how great and wonderful it sounds and how very hard it is to practice—and I feel like the Lord showed me that this concept is deeply tied to our identity.

If I know who I am in Chris, then I am secure. I don’t have to defend myself, assert my position, compete, manipulate, or exasperate.

Whatever the circumstance—and really, this truth applies beyond marriage, if I am confident in my position as a child of God, as covered by His righteousness, as whole, complete, lacking nothing, then I’m free to not react or respond in any way except the one He’s called me to.

Regardless of how unloving an action or a statement might feel, if I’m certain of God’s love for me and if that’s enough, really enough, to satisfy me, then I’m not empty in that moment. I’m not in need of approval or affirmation.

And even if our husbands' actions don’t feel loving, we can, from that confidence in our identity, still choose to offer respect in response.

God has asked us to respect our husband, and when we do it, we’re honoring and obeying Him. So if it feels hard in those moments, when your man has stepped on your air hose, remember who God says you are, and remember how He feels about you!

My prayer, friends, is that we would come to a greater, richer understanding of who we are in Christ, that our identity would be rooted into the depths of our hearts. May we know how deep and far and wide His love is. Unfailing. Never ending. Unconditional. May we encounter Him, keeping our connection full.

Who's the Decision-Maker?

For my last Marriage Monday post, I talked about one of the greatest ways we can meet a man’s need to feel respected by his wife—when we appreciate his desire to work and achieve.

Many of us wives want to respect our husbands, but we might not know how. In Love and Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs gives practical steps for ways that we can meet this need in our men.

So today, I want to focus on a couple more from Emerson’s list:

When we appreciate his desire to serve and lead
When we appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel

If the wife makes a lot of decisions (taking on the expression “she wears the pants in this family”), it might be that she’s not letting her husband lead.

BUT sometimes women don’t mean to become the decision-makers, and in reality, they don’t want that responsibility. Unfortunately, though, they feel like they aren't getting any decisions from their men. Instead they get a grunt or a shrug or a “whatever you think.”

And we've found that, despite their desire to serve and lead, to analyze and counsel—men react this way for a couple possible reasons.

First, they might feel like they’ve tried to make decisions in the past that have been vetoed by the wife and/or kids. It’s the cliché comedy line where the wife asks the husband what she should wear/do/say, and the husband tells her his opinion, to which the wife responds by doing the exact opposite of his suggestion.

Ladies, if this has been you (it’s been me before too), your husband is shrinking back because you’ve not made him feel respected. You’ve not appreciated his desire to be a decision-maker.

Second, our men are sometimes afraid of making the wrong decision—and perhaps have done so in the past, only to have it hurled back at them as failure. (Think: “I knew we shouldn’t have done what you said…”)

I know I’ve been guilty of both before, but you know what? His mercies are new every morning. A fresh start. Each day is new opportunity to change, to make better choices.

I’ve found over the last few years I’m capable of exerting self-control, even in the small things. If I ask Howell where he wants to eat or what he wants for dinner, and it’s not what I wanted—well, you know what? I asked him for his opinion, and I’m going to honor that.

When I ask him be the final decision-maker in areas small and big, he not only feels respected but he also grows in confidence to lead, and I shared with y'all in a recent post how grateful I was for Howell's leadership in 2017, a hard year of transition and change for us

The other thing I’ve learned is when he isn’t giving me an answer, if I’m getting an “I don’t know” or “I’m good either way” or “whatever you think,” I will tell him, “Babe, I need you to make this decision for me. It’s important, and I will honor whatever you think; I just need you to decide what’s best for us.”

When I say something along those lines, he knows he can trust my heart to not backfire his decision. And it puts me at a place of peace because I am taking the burden off of me and letting my husband do what God equipped him to do—serve and lead, analyze and counsel.

Friends, if this is an area of struggle, I encourage you to start small—and then watch how your husband shows love in return because you’ve filled his cup with respect.

Respect for Your Working Man

Howell and I are leading another Love and Respect Life Group this semester. My favorite video lesson is where Emerson gives women a glimpse into the ways men feel respected:

When we appreciate his desire to work and achieve 

When we appreciate his desire to protect and provide

When we appreciate his desire to serve and lead

When we appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel

When we appreciate his desire for shoulder to shoulder friendship

When we appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy 

  

I am a time person, and one of our biggest conflict areas early on in our marriage concerned time, especially if Howell was later than he said he would be.

For whatever reason—and not a justified one—it used to irk me so much if he said he’d be home at X time and instead came home at Y time.

We’ve since learned how to communicate through those scenarios (namely, I stopped having unreasonable expectations, and he learned to stop giving me a specific time—ha!).

But what I was thinking about recently, while watching the video, is how many opportunities I missed to tell him how grateful I was he worked so hard, how sorry I was he had to work late, or how proud of his work ethic I was.

I’ve heard so many wives over the years grumble because of the hours their husband works—and if you’re a quality time person (like me :)), it can feel like your husband isn’t loving you because he may not be speaking your language.

But friends, THAT IS A LIE. When your husband works, in his mind, he is doing it FOR YOU, for your family. It’s an act of service to him—an act of love.

While I’m not condoning workaholics, I am suggesting that instead of complaining about your husband’s hours or workload, tell him how much you appreciate the time he puts in to provide for your family. Even if he’s not the breadwinner, he needs to know his work and his efforts are valued because it’s in his nature, this desire to work and achieve, to protect and provide.

Your husband's greatest need isn't your love; his greatest need is for you to respect him. I encourage you to think through the list above and ask the Lord to show you ways you can meet this need in him.

Five Ways to Connect

Okay, married folks. Last week was Valentine’s Day. Did you enjoy it? Survive it? Fight about it?

I know most people think it’s a silly holiday created by creating card companies and the restaurant industry to make women feel insecure about their love relationships, but you know what?

I happen to love February 14—and not so I can set up big expectations of grand gestures. But why not take advantage of a designated day to show your love for someone? Why not take advantage of every day? 

Redeeming the time. That’s what Ephesians 5:15-16 says. How can we make the most of each day? More importantly, how can we make the most out of every relationship? Every day is a gift, and I get to walk through life with the greatest gift God gave me - my husband. 

Howell is the most incredible husband to me. Our marriage is a rare gift, and I know God has shown us favor, despite our imperfections. Few husbands load the dishwasher and remember to unload it a few hours later. Few husbands never grumble about taking out the trash, putting up the laundry, or going to the grocery store. And few husbands are both as strong and as tender as Howell is. 

He really is amazing, and our love really is a once-in-a-lifetime kind of loves.

Whether you had a good Valentine’s Day or not, I want to encourage you to redeem the time you have with your spouse. Not sure how?

Here are FIVE meaningful ways you can connect this week: 

1. Write a note or a letter. Whether you consider yourself a writer, whether you think you can be sentimental or romantic—it doesn’t matter. If you can’t think of anything to say, start with “I love you because…” or “I love when…” 

2. Make a special dinner. Dinner is especially special when you’re not the one who usually cooks. You don’t have to go out for a fancy meal to switch things up a little. Fire up the grill. Look up a recipe online. And if all else fails—get take out. 

3. Do something out of the ordinary. If you never make the bed, if you never do the dishes—go out of your way to be intentional in serving your loved one. It could be as simple as breakfast in bed—or coffee on the nightstand when he or she wakes up. 

4. Give a long kiss or hug. Don’t be too rushed to give a hello or goodbye kiss. Affection is free and priceless. 

5. Buy a meaningful gift. Not everyone’s love language is gifts, so spending the “big bucks” on a gift may not even minister to your loved one’s heart. But if you’re loved one is a gifts person, then buy him or her a gift that means something.

Maybe Valentine’s Day is a silly holiday, but you can take advantage of this season to love the one you're with. Value your time together. Connect to the other person’s love language. Be grateful for the moments you have.

What can you do this week to redeem the time you share with your loved ones?