Monday, August 19, 2013

Having Faith in "The Gap"

I believe last December was the first time I ever publicly blogged about our journey with trying to get pregnant, and while I don't explicitly blog or post about it often since then, I do talk about it a lot more because that experience for me was--in a word--freeing. I received text messages and fb messages from people I had no idea were on the same journey (or had been on the same journey) as me, and what I realized is that this is something people don't talk about much. But when you're in the midst of it, you need people to talk about it. And you need people to talk to about it.

So, here I go again... Yesterday, our pastor at Harvest preached on faith in "the gap"--that is, having faith for the time between when God says something will happen and when it actually happens. And he said something that really caught my attention--if you're disappointed in the gap, then your faith is not in God. God does not disappoint. Isn't that what His word tells us? That He is faithful; that He never leaves; that His hope does. not. disappoint. 

I was floored by that. I keep thinking about how all week I've been so discouraged. In fact, my last journal entry started like this: "I should be hopeful... but instead, I feel burned out and discouraged. Why can't I just be a normal person who gets pregnant the way normal people do?"

Do I know about "the gap"? Sure, I do. I've been in it for two years now. Every day I pray for hope renewed. Why is it harder this month? 

I started to do something I'm not sure I've ever done during a sermon (yeah, during worship, but a sermon?). I started to cry. And not like little, cute, lady-like tears. Fortunately, Brad was almost done and was inviting people down to prayer, like every Sunday. And I am one of those prideful people who doesn't like to go down for that--I'll just pray on my own, thanks. 

But as soon as the service was over, Hal pulled my arm--we need to go. My sweet husband who has seen it all in these last two years and who knows what I need better than I do sometimes and who loves me and lets me be just me. Tears spilling over, Kleenex in hand--I couldn't even talk. Hal gave the short version, and the couple started to pray for us. My tears were quickly full sobs. I couldn't believe it; I was sobbing in church.

"Just trust God." "Just keep trusting God." "Wait on His timing." "His timing will be perfect." Oh, the things people say. Really? Just trust God? Oh, okay. I hadn't thought of that. I'll start now. Why do comments like that irritate me so much? I know people mean well...and so I braced myself for grace, in expectation, as the couple began to pray. 

But the couple who prayed over us was different. She didn't pray any of those things--and she didn't even pray for us to get pregnant. She prayed for my heart. She prayed for my disappointment. She prayed for hope. She prayed for everything I needed to hear. 

Afterward, her husband spoke a word over Hal--over his father's heart. And then they prayed for us again--as parents. 

Today is a new day. I cling to Lamentations 3--that because of His great mercy, we are not consumed. Sometimes I feel consumed. But in His great mercy, He saves me. Again and again and again. 

Yesterday, Brad said that faith is not imparted; it's implanted. I choose to keep my heart soil fertile, to let His word nourish deep, to heal the disappointment, to renew hope. I choose, and I know this.

I have learned to trust in His goodness, to breathe deeply in His peace--that I can trust Him because He is good, and I say it to myself over and over: He is good. Again. He is good. Again. He is good--and I can trust Him.  
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