Husbands: Does Your Wife Feel Honored?

A lot of talk goes around “Wives Honoring Husbands” in Christian circles today. Laura recently mentioned 1 Peter 3:7 in a blog post and that got me to thinking. We husbands need to think about honoring our wives too. Peter said to “honor the woman as the weaker vessel…” What does that mean? Well, it really means a few things.

First, it means we are to be a provider for our family.  Some people are going to say, “Whoa! That guy is a chauvinist,” but hear me out. It doesn’t always mean monetarily. I know several couples where the wife is the primary financial provider and that works for them. I always joke with Laura that when she has that first best seller, I’m retiring and becoming her “manager.” The husband does need to provide several things that only he can provide though: spiritual authority, headship over the household, and a covering of prayer over the family.

Honoring your wife means helping her. I could put that sentence in font size 42. The first way that I spot a healthy marriage is not public affection or friendship; it’s a helping husband. So many couples divide up the household and parenting duties and never cross over. Dividing up duties is okay, even essential to a point, but we all need help sometimes. If you and your wife never fold laundry, put up dishes, or clean the house together, there might be a problem.

Finally, honoring your wife means publicly acknowledging her awesomeness. Guys, you know she’s pretty great and in very specific, unique ways. Make sure people know it. She is your teammate in the game of life. She is in the trenches, fighting to raise these hooligans into mature, functioning adults with you. She needs to know that you think she’s great, and not just in private. Men who put their wives down in public or don’t show any public admiration for their wives are sending bad or mixed messages. Show the world you love her. It’s as easy as saying, “Isn’t she great?”

I pray that your marriage is honoring on both sides. When both of you honor each other, both of you will want to make the effort to have a great marriage. Both Peter and Paul spoke about this when they discussed marriage. Honor is imperative for an extraordinary marriage.

~Howell

@G2WHubs

Honor in Marriage (Part 3)

I’m struggling to write this week’s marriage blog because I don’t want to sound judgey when I say what I feel like the Lord has put on my heart.

So, hear me reader—I’m not being judgey. I hope to speak truth in love! We have posted before about honor in marriage—both honoring husbands and honoring wives. This post is related; we want to talk about honoring our spouse in public. 

A few weeks ago, Howell and I were talking with a woman and her husband, both of whom we don’t know very well. They’re perhaps an acquaintance at best.

Within two minutes of the conversation, the woman had managed to make fun of her husband’s intelligence and some other lacking characteristic—and I was done chatting.

I asked Howell later if it was just me or if he had noticed, and he had. His first response was, “I feel sorry for that guy.”

When women put their husbands down publicly, I am turned off immediately. Every time it happens, I cringe a little. It feels uncomfortable. I’m not going to laugh, so now there’s this awkward silence. The husband shrinks a little, if he’s present, and no one quite knows where to go from there.

Somehow the practice of making fun of or putting down our spouse has become common, even in Christian circles.

As wives, we play a powerful role in honoring and esteeming our husbands. I’ve been thinking about the Proverbs 31 woman (for a great post on this passage from a dear friend, read here). We know a few things about this woman’s marriage:

“The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good and not harm all the days of her life” (v. 11-12).

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all’” (v 28-29).

And we know from v. 23 that “her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.” He has an honorable reputation, and she becomes a famous figure: she is, to us, the epitome of a wife—who works with her hands and provides for her home; who creates and makes and cares for her household, her children, and her husband; and who is praised and beloved for all that she does.

I think there’s a connection here. She does her husband good all the days of his life. He praises her. And both of them are recorded in the Bible with an esteemed reputation. Look at how they’ve honored each other!

When we honor and praise our spouse, we affect the reputation they have; we can affect how others see them.

I’m not saying that we can’t be sarcastic or give our spouses a hard time. Certainly Howell and I do this to each other regularly, and we’re both good natured about it. But it has to be in the right context—with close friends or family, people we trust who know our heart and who know each of our character.

And even in those spaces, we’ve always been careful not to correct each other. This was a particular pet peeve of Howell’s, and when we first got married, he asked me seriously if I would agree to not correct him in front of others. If he did something wrong or if he mis-remembered an event or if he said the wrong thing, he asked that I would tell him privately, but not publicly.

There are so few things he’s ever asked me to do, and I’ve taken that one seriously for over eight years.

Public spaces are not places to correct, condemn, or cut down our spouse.

I encourage you to guard your mouth and filter everything you say about your spouse to others. If it’s not honoring, uplifting, or positive, then perhaps it doesn’t need to be shared.

I also encourage you to surround yourself with men and women who honor their spouse, who speak lovingly and positively about their spouse. I have many great women friends, and one of the things I love most about them all is the way they talk about their husbands.

I hope you hear my heart in this post. We’re certainly not perfect, but we are intentional with our words in this area. If you struggle with this, the best advice we can give is that practice makes perfect. :)

Honor in Marriage (Part 2)

Last time, Laura discussed wives honoring husbands, so I think it’s appropriate for me to discuss husbands honoring wives. Ha! I bet you thought I was going to say “husbands loving wives.” Well, that’s part of it, a big part actually. As men, there are several ways in which we are to honor our wives.

In Ephesians 5: 25-27, Paul lays out basic instructions for loving your wife. He says to love your wife as Christ loves the Church and to love your wife as you love yourself. 

How do we do that? Well, Laura and I are big believers in the Five Love Languages for starters. She is a quality time person, so one way that I show her love is by spending time with her. I believe we have such a great marriage because we spend a lot of quality time together. This doesn’t always have to be a date, but dates are nice now and then.

Today, we worked in our house for five hours…right after we took a walk together. That’s what quality time looks like, and for Laura that’s what love looks like. Your wife may be a gifts person or something else like physical touch.

Now the fun part, humbling yourself. “What!? Did he say fun!?” Yes, I said fun. You will be amazed at how much better your marriage is when you give yourself the freedom to be wrong now and then. This sounds like crazy talk, but it’s true… I’m living it. Andy Stanley says it this way:

• When I discover that I’m wrong, I’ll admit it.
• When you say I’m wrong, I’ll honestly consider it.
• When God says I’m wrong, I’ll immediately embrace it.

Although I do believe God has specific roles for husbands and wives, I also believe God created men and women equally. Despite the historical, social, cultural, or even religious perspectives of men and women, husbands can lead their wives without an attitude of being the dominating ruler of the house. I see Laura as an equal partner—capable of hearing from God and of offering great insight. (A woman’s intuition is a real thing, so pay attention to her gut!)

So what does that have to do with humility? Well, we honor our wives by being open to the possibility that they may be right or have an equally as good opinion as we do. Being open to this possibility honors her by seeing yourself on the same level with her. And when your wife knows you consider her this way, you make it easier for her to submit to your leadership. In my experience, the best decisions are the ones we both have a peace about.

Lastly, you can honor your wife by praying for her and with her. This is one of the hardest things a husband can do with his wife, but it may be the most rewarding. I know sex is awesome, but follow me here. Praying in front of someone who really has a vested interest in knowing that you pray well and for the right things can be daunting. I’m telling you, though, she really just wants you to pray out loud with her. It doesn’t have to bring down angels from the clouds. I’ve discovered that this is one example of practice makes perfect. 

You may be thinking this seems like a less important way to honor your wife, but this stat will amaze you: David McGlaughling reported in “The Role of the Father in the Family” that while one in two marriages ends in divorce, only one in ten thousand marriages ends in divorce when the couple prays together out loud regularly. ‘Nuff said.

So, love your wife as Christ loved the Church and as you love yourself; consider your wife’s opinion and humble yourself if you’re wrong; and pray with and for your wife—out loud. All of these points hopefully give you some new perspective and practical tips for honoring your wife. We pray that this helps lead you to a wonderful marriage.

Howell

@G2WHubs

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Honor in Marriage (Part 1)

I want to write about honoring our husbands, but if you’re like me, you may need a little disclaimer first.

In grad school, my eyes were opened to women’s rights issues and the real inequality women face, especially women of color.

My mantra became about empowering women, and I wrote several papers in school about women in the church. My best friend loves to say, “Power to the SHE” (because she loves Athleta :)), and that spoke to my heart too.

So, for many years of marriage, I tuned out sermons about submission, which I felt was just rhetoric to get women to a place of powerlessness. Fortunately for me, I married a man who is pro-women and who did not feel the least bit threatened by my independence.

I still wholeheartedly believe that women can have a role in leadership in the church and that God created us equally (suggested readings: Women in the Church, Why Not Women?, and Powerful and Free).

But my heart toward submission and honor has also changed, as I’ve learned it’s not either/or; it’s both/and.

Howell and I make decisions together. We equally contribute and share. But submission means that I “come under” his vision. I trust his vision for our family is also submitted to God’s vision, and I get to support that.

It’s not about “who’s the boss” or CEO versus GM. That kind of attitude creates power struggles that lead to dishonor.

We rarely disagree about a decision, but when he feels led to do something, I am instructed by God’s word to support his decision.

Submission, unfortunately, has become a term about service and subjugation, and so we have this picture that a submitted woman serves her husband’s meals, gets his paper and coffee, waits on him hand and foot, never speaks against him, never voices an opinion, never disagrees, etc. It looks a lot like this: 

God’s heart is not for one-sided service in marriage. We’re to serve each other equally. We’re also to honor each other in marriage.

But honor is not subjugation.

In fact, honor really means releasing control and exercising self-control.

When we try to manipulate our husbands, that’s not honor. And when we try to blame our husbands, that’s not honor either.

But when we honor each other in marriage, we actually both become empowered—as free, powerful people who can hear from God and speak His truth and vision.

Wives do have special instructions to submit to their husbands, and I believe God blesses us when we choose to support our husbands instead of tearing them down or manipulating them.

Husbands are our authority; the bible is clear about that.

But, unless you’re in an abusive relationships, your husband doesn’t want to own you or control you. He probably values your opinion when you give it in an honoring way. He wants to make decisions as a team. He wants to know you trust and support that he hears from God too.

As a woman, you don’t have to give up your voice. You’re still empowered by God to do His kingdom work. You are still created equally, beloved and favored.

But when you know who you are in Christ, you also feel comfortable releasing control. You no longer need to control your husband (or your kids) because you know, “The only person I can control on a good day is myself” (Danny Silk).

From that place of freedom and empowerment, you can honor your husband the way he desires to be honored. 

Click to Tweet: Need honor in your marriage? @Grace2Write shares why an empowered wife honors her husband. #MarriageMonday