Marriage Is Like a...

I have a porcelain tea bag holder shaped as a teapot with a flower inside it that sits next to my kitchen sink to hold my rings when I’m cooking. A friend bought it for me in England because she knew how fondly I remember my semester abroad in London. Although the little teapot shattered once, I glued each piece back together with great care, and I like the imperfection of it so much that it still sits in its same place.

Last week, I was doing dishes and thinking about what to write for this blog post, and I felt like the Lord told me that my porcelain teapot could be a metaphor for marriages.

Everyone’s marriage faces a chip or two over the years. Some end up with entire cracks and separation. Some get glued back together with care, restored completely.

I fully believe every marriage faces a moment, at least one, when both people are confronted with the decision—stay and fight for their marriage or give up. It may be a dramatic standoff, or it may be after years of passivity where the relationship has lost priority, and both people are just biding their time.

For Howell and me, our first year of marriage wasn’t the toughest. It was years two and three. I remember after one particular fight, I felt deceived and defeated. We seemed to be in the same pattern, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was truly on the brink of giving up. We were young. We didn’t have any kids. Why stay?

The next morning, I saw a man whose red and puffy eyes matched my own, and I’ve never questioned our marriage since then—no matter what we have faced.

God was gracious to us in that season. We learned a lot about ourselves and each other and most of all about who God is and what He can do in our hearts.

He became the super glue that mended those broken places until they were stronger than ever before.

What about you, friends? Can you remember a time in your marriage that felt like a line in the sand? What compelled you to stay and fight?

Maybe you’re feeling cracked and broken even now, and super glue doesn’t feel possible. I can promise you, it’s worth the process to let God mend your marriage. It’s a supernatural feat only He can accomplish in us—if we’re willing.

Ask for help. Seek wise counsel. See a counselor. Whatever you need to do—but don’t stop fighting or your marriage.

Keys to Financial Freedom: Part One

Laura and I have both blogged before about finances, but given that it is one of the most common causes of strife in marriages, I want to come back to this topic. Money, and the lack of it, is a tough topic in almost every relationship. It certainly has been one for us at different times in our marriage. I always say communication is key, and it really is. This is the first post in a four-part series on financial freedom for families: Planning, Income, Debt, and You. If you haven’t read this post about getting on the same page re: finances, it’s a good foundational piece to start with. In this series, I want to take an in-depth look at how to approach finances, as a couple. I want to convey basic principles to build an understanding of how to work together to accomplish financial goals, instead of letting money be what tears you apart.

Today, let’s talk about planning.

You can talk about money until you’re blue in the face, but without consensus on a plan with actual, measurable, and attainable steps, you are just talking in circles. So what does a realistic plan look like? Well, that varies depending on your situation. 

So why do you, as a couple need a financial plan? You may be saying, we’re okay. We aren’t rich, but we are making it. We put food on the table and have a roof over our heads. Maybe you have significant debt, maybe you don’t. Maybe you have more than you need, maybe you don’t. Maybe you fight about money, maybe you don’t. Your situation does dictate what the plan is, but it doesn’t dictate the need for a plan. Whether you need to get out of debt or retire, or you want to give more to missions, you need a financial plan.

Step one is sitting down and talking about your immediate need. I’ll give some suggestions later in this series for setting long-term goals, but I think you probably know what your immediate needs with your finances are. This is a difficult step because you may be on different pages about what your needs are. The most critical part of this step is agreement. You must agree to move on and that means that both of you will probably have to compromise somewhere. You don’t have to set massive, life-long goals at this point. Let’s just have a plan for the next six months right now. What do you want to do in the next six months, even if that is survive? If you can plan six months, you can plan a lifetime.

The next step is forming a plan. Figure out how much your immediate need will cost and go from there. I recommend looking at your expenses for the last three months to get a basic, monthly cost of living, subtracting that from your current income, and then looking at what is left. That is what you have for accomplishing your immediate need. If there isn’t anything left, you have two choices: more income or fewer expenses. If neither of those are options, don’t lose heart; we’ll talk about ways to find places to cut and gain in later weeks. 

Now that you know where you are, it’s time to agree on a plan to move forward. Find areas that both of you can cut expenses and decide an amount to save toward your plan. You’ll need a budget to follow. Maybe you are more disciplined than us, but without a real budget, we rarely achieve our goals. You can see a basic outline below. I think it can apply to anyone’s household finances.

So now you have a plan! It takes time, discipline, and lots of communication, but you can execute it. Over the next few times I blog here, I’ll be going over different aspects of household finances to help you modify and execute this plan. I’m praying that you’ll find this helpful. I’m no expert, but I believe that with good communication, you can achieve your goals.

Read Part Two
Read Part Three

 ~Howell

@G2WHubs

Yes, Dear!

I often hear husbands say that the two most important words you can know to keep your wife happy are "Yes, Dear" or that the best phrases to learn are "Yes, Dear; I'm sorry; You're right; and It won't happen again." 

Among men, this is a joke, but it’s also taken seriously. I'm not saying that as men, you can never be wrong, but I am saying that we can't just say what our spouses want to hear to get out of an undesirable situation. I have several issues with this cultural paradigm that has arisen.

I'll be the first to admit that for years, I was very guilty of this. I'm what we like to call a natural pleaser. I don't like conflict in my relationships, and before I was truly transformed by the Holy Spirit, I would do or say just about anything to make Laura not upset with me anymore. What did this really yield? More heartache and rejection feelings on both sides, not to mention, it doubled the length of our arguments.

This attitude is really saying, "Yes, Dear, I'm lying to you by saying what you want to hear so I can go do what I think is best, no matter what you think." BE AN ADULT. Real relationships are defined by truth, and if this is your way of dealing with issues, then it isn't a real relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but when I compare the time in which I just told Laura what she wanted to hear and the time in which I've been truthful and really dealt with issues head-on, in a loving way, the two don't really even look close. 

What if, instead of just saying whatever you think will end this discussion the fastest, you have your spouse sit down with you and have a face-to-face discussion about the issue. Don't completely assume that you are right or wrong immediately. Listen to what she has to say about the problem; ask her how it makes her feel. Tell her what your true intention was and talk about how you think things may have gone better if one or both of you had approached the situation in a different manner. Now for the tough part, you may have to actually apologize and mean it if you are wrong. Usually though, in my experience, after we have figured out what the root cause was, one (or both) of us is sincere about apologizing for what happened.

I hope this insight helps you as much as it has helped me. 

Howell | @g2whubs

Is Your Marriage Extraordinary?

Somewhere around year three of marriage, Howell and I determined that we didn’t want an average or an OK marriage. We wanted an extraordinary marriage. I’d say, after nine years, we’re still working toward what that means, but the truth is, I do think we have an extraordinary marriage because I think we’ve been intentional to sow into our relationship.

Both of us are even-tempered, and we both like most of the same things, so maybe have an advantage in that we genuinely could spend all our time doing stuff together.

But time has been a precious commodity these last twelve months, as we have faced serious transitions in our working lives. I changed position last fall, and the rest of the school year was quite a whirlwind. Howell accepted the position as Administrative Pastor at our local church in May, and his first five months have been equally as busy.

It’s always a challenge to learn a new position or to face a transition like a new job. But I think we’ve been extra challenged to have both changed positions in such a short time period.

Our chapel speaker this last week, Dr. Delvin Atchison, spoke about learning to rake leaves in windy conditions.

Isn’t that real life?

It’s always windy—especially out here in West Texas.

Despite what the last twelve months have looked like, Howell and I have stayed as close and as connected as usual, and I was thinking this week—how did we do that?

I've thought about four areas that I think are keys to an extraordinary marriage, keys that we try to practice: 

1. Communicate every day. This sounds simple, but I don’t mean talking every day, but actually communicating! Howell and I are both introverts—though I don’t think he’s nearly as introverted as me. So you might think that talking isn’t our thing. But we’re both intentional to connect every day, to ask about our days, to share the top stories, to share emotions that we’ve felt. Some days, we’re coming and going, but other days, we’ve got more time. Whether it’s short or long, whether it’s after work or right before bed,  try to find time to talk.

2. Have sex often. We’ve said before how important we think this is (see here and here, for example). In fact, I’ve even made the statement that most marriages fail when a healthy sex life fails to exist. Sex is the highest, most intimate form of communication you can have with your partner. If this is an area that’s a struggle for you, read a good sex book (we recommend this one), talk to your spouse, or talk to a counselor. The question of “how often” might depend on your season of life, but we’d recommend no less than once or twice a week. The most important answer to “how often” is a goal or desire that’s agreeable to both of you.

3. Set aside a date night. Whether it’s a night out or a night in, try to guard your time together for one evening every week. If you have kids, I promise this is the best thing you can do for them and for your marriage. Get a babysitter. Find a fellow friend with kids and swap date nights. Beg grandparents. Whatever you’ve got to do—find time to be alone. And then protect and enjoy that time together!

4. Forgive easily and permanently. When you're both in a season of windy weather, you're going to step on each other’s toes sometimes. But if you don't communicate through those conflicts, you'll create a disconnect that grows with time. You'll stop having sex. You'll make excuses to avoid date night. And the daily communication will break down. It's essential—the most essential key, in fact—that you learn to forgive easily and permanently. Don't drag it out, and don't drag it back up. Ask God to reset your heart to place of honor for your spouse, to a place that protects and cherishes your marriage.

Howell and I are not perfect, and we don’t always get it right. But I think it’s important that we try—that we’re always intentional. Our prayer is that your marriage would move from ordinary to extraordinary today! 

Times of Change

For Laura and I, now is a time of change. Our schedules are changing, my job has changed, and our kitchen is in the middle of a facelift. It’s like our little world has been turned upside down.

To be transparent, these times are a struggle for me. Keeping everything else straight while certain parts of our lives are in flux is beyond my natural ability, and I have to rely on the Lord for help with this. We’ve done this a few times now, and with experience does come some wisdom.

During times of change or new beginnings, it’s very important to manage expectations. This is something that I naturally struggle with, and I think, a lot of other people do too. I’m great at the classic, “This will take ten minutes…” when it actually takes an hour. It’s a matter of learning for me, but it’s very important to give your spouse realistic expectations of time, money, and effort that is going into or out of whatever project or effort you are conducting. Accuracy isn’t always possible, but it’s definitely better to under promise and over deliver.

Another thing that is helpful is a prepared heart. I talk about this a lot, but taking the time to slow down and have the conversations that keep connections between people going is vital. First, it’s a good idea to say to each other that this is likely to be a stressful time and pray together about it going in, if possible. Second, I believe it’s vital to check on each other as you go through. Lately, we haven’t had a kitchen available, and this is very inconvenient for both of us. It requires extra meal planning so both of us have asked each other how the other is feeling that day, and if they would like to eat out or have leftovers. These little conversations let the other person know that you see them and what they are going through too.

Most importantly, it’s vital to stay spiritually connected during times of change. Your metaphorical ship is being tossed by waves, and the only one who can truly right it is Christ. If I’m not in tune with what the Holy Spirit is trying to tell me about Laura, or I’m just in “survival mode,” trying to make it until tomorrow, then we are susceptible to any and all icebergs in the water. This is especially difficult for me, because I like routine. I master something, and I can function at a high level, but when I don’t have control, I’m using all my mental resources to keep going. If you’re like me, the only lifeline in times like this is the Holy Spirit. Thankfully though, He is there and helps me do what I cannot, under my own power.

How about you? Are you facing any changes or new beginnings? What lessons have you learned in times of transition?

~Howell

@G2WHubs

Fighting the Wasps in your Marriage

Spring is in the air, and we’ve already had several days in the 90s. Around our house, that usually means we start to see signs of wasps. We’ve killed a few here and there, but the other day—of course, right at 6:00 as our guests were arriving for dinner—we noticed several flying around the front door.

Howell went out to spray what we expected was a nest, but we soon discovered that there were dozens and dozens of wasps crawling on our roof, likely making homes in our wood shingles, where they can’t be seen or reached.

This did not bring comfort to my soul.

We ate dinner and enjoyed a lovely evening with our friends, but the wasps stayed in the back of my mind, as I imagined hundreds of them crawling around on our roof.

Several days after that—maybe more than a week even, I felt like the Lord reminded me of the wasps to speak truth to my heart about something else entirely. (I don’t know about y’all, but he uses my daily experiences to do that a lot—remember the skunk?)

The Lord showed me that the stray wasp or two is like the surface problems in a marriage—maybe a small fight, an unsettled disagreement, a busy week with little quality time.

A single wasp doesn’t seem so bad, and you take care of it when you can. It's just a nuisance, right?

But if we’re not careful, before we know it, we’re hiding all kinds of wasps’ nests in our attic or nestled in some other forgotten, neglected place.

The same is true in our marriages. If we don’t handle well the little wasps, the small battles, we’ll end up with a whole army rising up against us and against our marriage.

For Howell and I, we know that the little wasps come when we don’t get to really connect, when life gets too busy, and we’ve said too many yeses.

We’ve both been reading Present over Perfect—and we’re thinking intentionally about our yeses these days. (If I haven’t sold you on this book yet, please re-read here and here.)

You know what I’ve realized takes up so much of my time?

It’s the little yeses that don’t seem so big at the time. It’s the two hours here after work, and three days a month doing this or that, and one hour here, and on and on.

But when I say yes to all the littles, I look up, and our calendar has something every night of the week.

We’ve decided recently that this is simply unacceptable for us. We want to do better—and it starts with saying no more often.

Shauna puts it so well when she says that when we say yes to something, we’re saying no to something else.

And usually, since I’ve been tuned into my yeses, what I’m saying no to is quality time with my husband, which I crave.

When I put it in that light, it makes me want to shout NO without reservation.

Friends, I encourage you to fight the little wasps in your marriage, even if they just seem like small nuisances. If you let them go, they’ll become much larger under the surface.

We say it all the time that marriage is the best work you’ll ever do. Don’t settle for ordinary when you can fight for extraordinary.

Five Things I Wish I Had Known as a Newlywed

A couple weeks ago Howell told me the sermon topic at his men’s morning group was “10 things I wish I knew when I was 21.”

We started talking about how that would make a great blog post if we related it to our first year of marriage. So this week, I’ll share five things I wish I had known in our first year of marriage. (In two weeks, Howell will share his five.) 

1. It’s okay for Howell to have friends and need guy time—like hunting or playing basketball. These are good for his soul, and rather than feeling insecure that he wants time alone or time away, I’ve learned to encourage him to do so. 

2. We don't have to be the same. It’s okay that he loads the dishwasher differently or that he doesn’t know what we’re doing five weekends from now, or even that he doesn’t like all my same shows. He doesn’t have to be like me to love me, and if he doesn’t do something like I would, it also doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.

3. In most arguments, we’re both wrong. I probably didn’t learn to apologize and ask for forgiveness until about year four or five of our marriage. If I was upset, of course my reason was legit—and Howell was wrong. Period. I had to learn that sometimes I need to apologize for getting upset—for overreacting, for being too sensitive, for responding in anger, etc.

4. My response is my responsibility. Most of the time, what Howell said or did was not offensive or hurtful, even if I took it that way. But whether my reason for getting upset was legit, I am always in control of how I respond.

5. Howell's heart for me is good. I wish I had learned to get to Howell’s heart sooner instead of jumping to the constant conclusion that “he did X so he must not love me.” So often I would get my feelings hurt over something he did or said, and it would take a while to calm down and hear that he either didn’t mean it that way or didn’t realize that X decision or statement would cause me to respond the way I did.

**Bonus! I’d tie all this together by saying a common theme in our first year of marriage was insecurity. Most of the time, however I was responding or reacting was based on my level of security. I often doubted Howell’s love for me, and I was quicker to be suspicious that he doesn’t love me than to believe that he did.

But the greatest lesson I learned—and it changed our marriage drastically—was to find true security in the Lord. Howell can’t be my all and everything. At some point, he’ll let me down—and no one wants to live under that kind of pressure anyway.

But if I trust in the Lord to be my source, then I can also learn to trust my husband’s heart toward me, and I can feel secure in our marriage because I feel secure in the Lord.

Friends, if you’re newly married, you might find yourself in conflict often, but you can get to your spouse’s heart and see that he or she loves you; you can find self-control and respond appropriately; and you can find security in the Lord for a healthy marriage.

If you’ve been married a while—what are your lessons? What do you wish you’d known in your first year of marriage?

Getting on the Same Page Re: Finances

One of the most common things that couples fight about is finances. It seems that every time someone talks or writes about finances in marriage, they list lots of statistics about how it’s the biggest cause of divorce, or there are X number of unhappy marriages out of ten because of finances. 

I’m going to spare you that because I don’t think that the money is actually the root cause of the fights. I believe there are two root issues that cause fights about money: communication and selfishness.

I’m going to tackle selfishness first because it is actually less common. Most people want the best for their spouse and their family, and those that don’t usually don’t realize that they are acting in that way. Take a step back and think…Are my recent major purchases for me? Did I make any of them without my spouse’s approval? Are we stretching our finances for something that I really want but don’t actually need?

If you honestly answer yes to any of these questions, well, we all get there at times. I know I have. I drug Laura into a pickup purchase several years ago that was really more than we could afford or needed at that time, and I regretted it for two years before eventually getting into a more sensible vehicle. But when both of you are focused on each other’s happiness, the selfishness ends.

Communication, or lack thereof, is the most common financial stressor. I think that we often avoid conversations because they are tough, or they might lead to a fight. Avoiding a discussion now always leads to a bigger, more difficult one down the road. 

Speaking from experience, it is imperative that both of you are on the same page about your financial goals and your path to get there. Most couples never sit down and have this talk, but it changed our marriage for the better. 

Once you agree on a plan, you can work together to accomplish it. It isn’t always easy; in fact it never is, but when you are on the same page, it is doable. Even if your financial state isn’t great right now, a firm plan is always better than chaos. If you want to read more, I wrote this post on communication awhile back.

I’m praying that this might help you think about your finances as a couple differently. Maybe something about this gave you a nudge or an idea. I’ve included a template spreadsheet like the one we use to manage our finances and how we are progressing toward our goals. 

Everyone is different, so I’m sure you’ll make some changes, but a little structure to start with always helps. May God bless your marriage and your finances.

Howell

@G2WHubs

p.s. If you'd like us to email you the Excel file of the Finances Template, please click the "Contact Us" tab at the top of site. 

When you find your nest empty...

Today, I’m writing about an area of marriage that I’ve personally never dealt with, but someday will. This may sound like I’m relaying advice that you may think I’m not qualified to speak about. I’m not, but my sources are, and I trust them because I’ve seen their success.

Recently, I had two work friends dealing with the same marital problem, and it awakened me to make sure that I don’t see this same issue in my own marriage down the road. As they reach their middle years, their kids are graduating high school and leaving home or are close to it. They look at their spouse or their spouse looks at them, and they suddenly realize that they don’t know this person.

They say, “Where is the man/woman I married?” “Who have they become?” “Do I even love this person they’ve become?”

In one example, the husband works all the time. He’s out of town a lot and doesn’t have a lot of energy when he is home. In the other example, both spouses work. Both couples have kids that have had lots of activities over the years. They’ve been busy for 20+ years and haven’t had a chance to take a breath. Sound familiar? Now that their kids are starting to leave, and they aren’t so busy, they realize they don’t know each other.

First, if you are in this situation, there is certainly hope. Lots of it, actually. I recommend counseling for any long term or major marital problems. Find someone who is a Christian and is supportive of both of you. Also, bring the issue out in the open. Talk about it plainly, but make it clear that you want this to work and you love your spouse. Divorce shouldn’t be an option.

One of the couples that inspired me to write this just took a long vacation together. In many cases, just spending time enjoying each other will remind you of what this is all about.

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." ~ Mignon McLaughlin

Second, if you aren’t there yet, work on your relationship now. Tyke and Connie Dipprey shared with Laura and I that they intentionally made the decision to not grow apart as their kids aged. As their friends struggled, they were closer than ever. Today, they are happy empty nesters that love each other very much. We are so thankful for their advice that caused us to think about this, years ago!

Other couples we know have taken vacations together over the years. Letting the kids stay at their grandparents while Mom and Dad are somewhere nice is fun for everyone. One friend even told me that he has a standing date night with his wife every other Friday. What I’m saying is, you have to be intentional about spending time with your spouse.

Sadly, one of the couples I mentioned at the beginning of this post didn’t make it. Honestly, with some effort, I believe they could have. Marriage is work, even if it’s the best work ever. The other couple is doing great. It is my goal to make sure that Laura and I are closer than ever when that day comes. I hope this is your goal too.

~Howell
@G2WHubs

The Habits of Marriage: Creating a Communication Plan

Before Thanksgiving, we started a marriage series for our blog about The Habits of Marriage. In December, I blogged about praying together, and earlier this month, Howell blogged about the importance of setting a vision for your family. 

Today I want to share about another habit: creating a communication plan.

The other night Howell and I kept my 18-month-old nephew, and when we got in bed at 10:45 that night, he said, “I feel like I didn’t even talk to you today.” 

I laughed. “I know, right?”

“This must be what people mean when they say it’s so hard to have a normal conversation once you have kids.”

Photo Credit: lifehacker.com

I nodded. “Yep—except every day would feel like our one experience tonight!”

So, if you have kids—this post is for you! It’ll be challenging, but make a plan!

And if you’re like us, and you don’t have kids yet, this post is still for you. We’ve taken steps to learn to communicate better, and I’ll be honest, Howell being the one to say “I feel like we didn’t talk today” would not have happened a few years ago.

We're both introverts, and I’m no expert, but in my opinion, there are two kinds of introverts—those who like to have deep, meaningful conversations about how they feel, and those like the both of us who think, What? Feelings? I have feelings?

Shortly after we moved to Plainview, our pastor’s wife gave me a book to read titled How We Love. I mentioned to her something like, “I’m not very good at expressing my feelings toward Howell. I feel like I sort of can in writing, but I’m not verbal at all.”

She said, “READ THIS BOOK!”

So, we did. It’s similar to the Five Love Languages, except it’s about five unhealthy ways of loving and only one healthy way.

There’s a quiz you can take to see what your love-style is.

Howell, not surprising, was more healthy than I was. His only unhealthy flags were to be a Pleaser, at something like 30%, and to avoid, at something like 18%.

I was 0% healthy and pretty much unhealthy in 4 out of the 5 categories. (Yikes!)

The largest category was Avoider—at a whopping 80-something percent. (No wonder I wasn’t in touch with my feelings!) I was also a little bit of a Vacillator, a little bit of a Pleaser, and a little bit of a Controller. The only thing I wasn’t was a Victim. (Go figure.)

Why am I sharing all of this?

Well, in part, because this book seriously influenced our marriage. I know there are all kinds of books out there about marriage, and none of them mean anything if you don’t apply the truths or practice making changes.

For example, I learned, as an Avoider, I wasn’t very in touch with my emotions. I expressed one emotion the most—anger. I could easily let Howell know if I was angry, frustrated, mad, etc.

But I didn’t express positive emotions very well, like how I felt about my husband, for one.

Negative was my default.

Howell, as a Pleaser, only expressed positive emotions—to please me. If he was upset or frustrated, he did not express that.

Positive was his default.

We had probably balanced each other out for those first six years of marriage, but that doesn’t make it healthy. Howell was great at telling me how much he loved me, and if we were apart, he always said when he missed me. I struggled to verbalize those kinds of feelings.

But if he was upset, and I asked what was wrong, I got nothing. He couldn’t verbalize those feelings.

We laughed at ourselves at one point taking the test because it asked us to name ten emotions we had felt in the last week. We were like, “There are 10 feelings? Uh—mad, happy, sad. Done?”

The book has a chart of 16 “feeling words” that we printed out, and seriously y’all, once we had the words to verbalize what we felt, it changed how we communicated in enormous ways. 

As a quick disclaimer: just because we feel something doesn’t make our feelings right. Yes, feelings lie, and yes, what we feel does not always line up with the truth of what God says. But there is still enormous power in expressing your feelings. If you can’t do that, then you don’t know how you feel or whether that feeling is a lie.

To pretend like you don’t feel anything (e.g. to pretend like your spouse didn’t hurt your feelings, to pretend like you’re not mad that the Lord hasn’t answered your prayer) doesn’t mean you don’t feel those emotions. It only means you’re not being honest with yourself or with God or with others—even if not intentionally.

So, a communication plan: Maybe Step 1 for you is understanding how you communicate right now; maybe you need tools and resources like we did.

But the major change we made was that we set a date on our calendar—once a week—for us to talk about our feelings. It’s literally there, every week, and it pops up with a reminder. 

We picked a night and a time we are usually home and winding down.

If you have kids, pick a time when they’re in bed. Yeah, you’re probably exhausted, and you’d rather watch TV and zone out. Yeah, the dishes need to be washed, and the laundry hasn’t been folded. But try it—for one night a week.

Howell and I talk every day, of course. We talk about our days and exchange stories about work or whatever. But this night is about how we feel. Are we stressed? Are we connected? Are we trusting God with our family? Do we feel sad? Do we feel peace? We both have learned to share those positive and negative feelings.

And you know what? It trickled into other areas too. If we have a fight, we can get to the root quicker—what did I feel when he did X and why? He can express things like, “It upset me when you said Y.”

We certainly aren’t perfect—and maybe almost eight years of marriage is a crazy amount of time to figure out our feelings, but I’ll say this for us: we made a plan, we determined to be intentional about communicating, and it continues to work.

How about you? Do you need a communication plan for your marriage? Or your family? 

What strategies do you use to communicate that work well? 

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Fighting for your Marriage

God has been speaking to my heart lately about how important it is to fight for your marriage. If you want a good marriage, it doesn’t just “happen.” Most of you probably know that any relationship takes work and effort, time and investment, if it’s going to be successful. Marriage is no different.

It’s seems obvious, but I don’t think it’s as practiced as we might think. Anytime we let a fight just “go” without working it out, anytime we leave something unsaid, anytime we go to bed or to work or to wherever and resolve to “fix it” later, we’re not fighting for our marriage.

We know that the enemy is real, and we know he is not passive. The Bible describes him as a lion, searching whom he may devour. That’s not someone kicking back in the LazyBoy watching T.V. (although, sometimes, I think he could do nothing at all, and we’d still manage to get ourselves in a pickle!). But he is active, alive, and always on the prowl.

And I firmly believe that the enemy attacks marriages in particular because it’s a two-for-one benefit—he can destroy not one heart, but two. And, similarly, if two become one, and as a result, become the extraordinary, powerful tool that God intends, then Satan is doubly defeated. So, of course he wants to destroy marriages. Why wouldn’t he?

If we know this, then we ought to likewise be proactive in our defense against his attacks instead of always reeling from the blows as they come. Most people, I think, are always on the defensive, instead of the offensive, and that becomes exhausting eventually. I believe there are three powerful steps we can take when we resolve to fight for our marriages:

• Communicate. Howell loves to talk on communication, so I usually leave that to him, but it is one of the most important things you can do for your marriage (followed closely by having sex regularly—something we want to post about soon). As he mentioned in a recent post, communicating is much more than talking. Make it a point—a goal, if you will—to have a meaningful conversation with your spouse every day—even if you lose a little more sleep, even if you’re running late, even if dinner isn’t fixed on time, even if you miss your show.
• Pray. Prayer is a powerful tool, and while there are some who are gifted to pray for hours (intercessors), we can all take a few minutes a day and pray for our spouse and pray for our marriage. Howell and I started doing this a few years ago, and we firmly believe we have built a defensive barrier against the enemy by doing so. Pray that God protect your marriage from the enemy, from the flesh, from sin, and from others. Pray that God would teach you both to love selflessly, to put the other one first, and to live graciously. Pray that God would transform your marriage from ordinary to extraordinary. Pray separately. Pray together. Both are powerful and important.
• Forgive easily. This is the area I probably harp on the most, but it’s so important, especially for women. If you let an event—big or small—go undealt with, then it will take root in your heart. Anytime we refuse to forgive, we open the door to the enemy. He is waiting, believe me, for any signs of weakness—and he will attack. Don’t be his prey. Communicate your feelings, listen to your spouse, believe the best for each other, and forgive.

I realize these are simple steps, but often difficult to walk out. Our schedules get busy, we run out of time, we have some place to be—and so, we let things go. Don’t let anything get “too far gone.” It’s what Satan wants. Don’t let him win the battle—or the war.

Fighting for your marriage is not easy; it takes work. Plead the blood of Jesus over your marriage. Pray for his protection against the enemy. Rely on his grace that empowers us to be extraordinary. And then, take a stand. Take responsibility for your actions. Be proactive in the fight for your marriage. It’s a decision you make. Everyday.  A resolution. A declaration to fight.

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