Is Your Marriage Extraordinary?

Somewhere around year three of marriage, Howell and I determined that we didn’t want an average or an OK marriage. We wanted an extraordinary marriage. I’d say, after nine years, we’re still working toward what that means, but the truth is, I do think we have an extraordinary marriage because I think we’ve been intentional to sow into our relationship.

Both of us are even-tempered, and we both like most of the same things, so maybe have an advantage in that we genuinely could spend all our time doing stuff together.

But time has been a precious commodity these last twelve months, as we have faced serious transitions in our working lives. I changed position last fall, and the rest of the school year was quite a whirlwind. Howell accepted the position as Administrative Pastor at our local church in May, and his first five months have been equally as busy.

It’s always a challenge to learn a new position or to face a transition like a new job. But I think we’ve been extra challenged to have both changed positions in such a short time period.

Our chapel speaker this last week, Dr. Delvin Atchison, spoke about learning to rake leaves in windy conditions.

Isn’t that real life?

It’s always windy—especially out here in West Texas.

Despite what the last twelve months have looked like, Howell and I have stayed as close and as connected as usual, and I was thinking this week—how did we do that?

I've thought about four areas that I think are keys to an extraordinary marriage, keys that we try to practice: 

1. Communicate every day. This sounds simple, but I don’t mean talking every day, but actually communicating! Howell and I are both introverts—though I don’t think he’s nearly as introverted as me. So you might think that talking isn’t our thing. But we’re both intentional to connect every day, to ask about our days, to share the top stories, to share emotions that we’ve felt. Some days, we’re coming and going, but other days, we’ve got more time. Whether it’s short or long, whether it’s after work or right before bed,  try to find time to talk.

2. Have sex often. We’ve said before how important we think this is (see here and here, for example). In fact, I’ve even made the statement that most marriages fail when a healthy sex life fails to exist. Sex is the highest, most intimate form of communication you can have with your partner. If this is an area that’s a struggle for you, read a good sex book (we recommend this one), talk to your spouse, or talk to a counselor. The question of “how often” might depend on your season of life, but we’d recommend no less than once or twice a week. The most important answer to “how often” is a goal or desire that’s agreeable to both of you.

3. Set aside a date night. Whether it’s a night out or a night in, try to guard your time together for one evening every week. If you have kids, I promise this is the best thing you can do for them and for your marriage. Get a babysitter. Find a fellow friend with kids and swap date nights. Beg grandparents. Whatever you’ve got to do—find time to be alone. And then protect and enjoy that time together!

4. Forgive easily and permanently. When you're both in a season of windy weather, you're going to step on each other’s toes sometimes. But if you don't communicate through those conflicts, you'll create a disconnect that grows with time. You'll stop having sex. You'll make excuses to avoid date night. And the daily communication will break down. It's essential—the most essential key, in fact—that you learn to forgive easily and permanently. Don't drag it out, and don't drag it back up. Ask God to reset your heart to place of honor for your spouse, to a place that protects and cherishes your marriage.

Howell and I are not perfect, and we don’t always get it right. But I think it’s important that we try—that we’re always intentional. Our prayer is that your marriage would move from ordinary to extraordinary today! 

The Habits of Marriage: Guarding Against Temptation

Today we finish our final post for The Habits of Marriage series: Guarding Your Marriage Against Temptation.

I could say so much about this topic—and temptation in itself is very broad. But this week, we’ll get really real.

Let’s talk about sexual temptation in our marriage.

We cannot be passive when it comes to sexual temptation. Pornography is accessible, private (e.g. secret), and free to everyone.

But it cannot and should not be permissible in your marriage.

Porn and shame go hand in hand. They are two sides of one cycle. A man (or woman—because it’s not just men) feels no value, maybe from work, maybe at home, maybe in the bedroom. He or she feels worthless.

Porn—and other sexual temptations—are a fantasy world, a place to escape, where the person not only feels valued and accepted, but also in control.

But I’m convinced, despite the fact that 67% of Christian men and 30% of Christian women confess to looking at porn regularly*, no one actually feels good about it.

And so comes shame.

Shame reinforces what the person already believes about himself or herself—and so we go back to value and worth and identity, etc., which leads to more porn and to more shame, and so on.

How can you guard yourself and your marriage against this cycle?

First, we would say—COMMUNICATE!  Shame lies in secrecy, but there is powerful freedom when you communicate with someone else what’s going on inside of you.

Talk to your spouse—be open and honest. And then seek wise council, someone you trust who can pray for you and help you. (We would love to talk to you! J)

The other thing we would say about this topic is this: to overcome ANY temptation, we’ve got to rely on the power of the Holy Spirit.  

Once we tap into the power of the Holy Spirit and begin walking in who we are in Christ, then we experience real freedom.

In Christ, we are covered in righteousness. We are accepted, complete, whole, valuable, etc.  Righteousness shouldn’t be an excuse for sin, but it IS a powerful, new identity that helps us break off shame and guilt.

Our world is full of temptation—especially sexual temptations. Guarding your marriage against temptation means:

- Praying for your spouse and your marriage

- Communicating openly and honestly (Shame lies in secrecy.)

- Staying connected physically

- Believing who you are in Christ

- And letting the Holy Spirit fill you and empower you

Click to Tweet: Want to guard your marriage against sexual temptation? @Grace2Write and @G2Whubs share how! #MarriageMonday

*Source: http://www.christianpost.com/news/pornography-invades-the-church-53257/

Sex and Intimacy: Part 2

We firmly believe that a healthy sex life is important for your marriage. In fact, we feel so strongly about it that we would rank it in the top five of “most important things” for your marriage. Unfortunately, though, sex is talked about a lot before marriage—particularly, I mean, the abstinence from sex—but sex is hardly mentioned after marriage.

I will let Howell address the men on this topic, but for today, I want to talk to the wives. Sex entails intimacy, but intimacy does not always entail sex. Women everywhere might shout “Amen!” because they think this means their husband should hold them, cuddle with them, listen to them, cry with them, etc. without (always) having sex implied.

But there are other forms of intimacy that are important for men, too. And, as women, we fail to return to our husbands the intimacy we so often demand. While there may be other forms you can offer, I believe there are three main areas where we, as women, fail to offer intimacy to our husband:

1. Let your husband see you naked. Often. Obviously nakedness is implied with sex, but it’s important and healthy for your husband to see you naked other times, too. Don’t hide in your closet or behind closed doors when you change clothes. Don’t rush to put a towel around yourself after stepping out of the shower. Take a bubble bath with the door open. I recognize that some of you might cover yourself,  to avoid being seen by your children. But you can take extra measures to ensure privacy.

You might be thinking, too, Well, my good-looking-body ship has sailed long ago. In fact, you can’t even see it from the shores of the beach! Believe me – it doesn’t matter.  I have often felt self-conscious about my body, but not once has Howell ever complained when I let myself be vulnerable before him. Trust me, whether you’re big or thin, saggy or perky—your husband loves you, he desires you, and he wants to see your body.

2. Let your husband touch you and kiss you. As women, we long to be held, embraced, caressed. My favorite is when Howell scratches my back in bed. But there are other “touches” that men desire—and as wives, we need to open ourselves to their needs. And, in relation to this, let your husband kiss you. Often. Wherever. Don’t shrink back. Don’t be in too much of a hurry to leave. Don’t be too preoccupied with the kids, or dinner, or work—or your Facebook! Let him kiss you—and kiss him back. A good, passionate kiss reminds us of our dating days, rekindles our desires for each other, and reaffirms the security of each other’s faithfulness.

3. Let your husband compliment you. I have found that many women struggle to receive compliments from their husbands. When Howell tells me I’m beautiful, I usually find a way to shrug it off or disagree or change the subject.  While I might think I’m being modest, or humble, or whatever—I’m actually putting down my husband’s confidence to compliment me. Men love complimenting their wives. Your husband is proud of you, proud that you are his wife, proud that you are the mother of his children. And, to him, you are beautiful. You are sexy. You are desirable. Don’t take that away from him—receive it, encourage it, be grateful for it.

I could say more on this subject, but I’ll leave it at this for now. Most marriages fail when a healthy sex life fails to exist. Sex is the highest, most intimate form of communication you can have with your partner. It connects your hearts and revives your faithful commitment to one another. There’s just something about sex that is healing: open, honest, and vulnerable. But the precursor to a good sex life is intimacy. As women, we sometimes think, well, I don’t want to just jump into sex; I need to be “wooed.” My husband needs to be “intimate” with me more often.

I’m not denying the truth or importance of this statement. But sometimes, as wives, we put so much pressure on our husbands to “perform” intimacy for us when there are things we can do, ourselves, to be intimate with our husbands.

If you’re each waiting for the other to take the first step, then you’re both being selfish. Love is not selfish—love freely gives. Take the first step, wives, and practice being intimate with your husband—on his level of intimacy. [Tweet this.]

Sex and Intimacy (Part 1)

Today I’m going to blog about sex and intimacy in terms of men meeting women’s needs in this area. (Next week, Laura will blog about sex and intimacy in terms of women meeting men’s needs.) We firmly believe that a healthy sex life is important for your marriage. In fact, we feel so strongly about it that we would rank it in the top five of “most important things” for your marriage. If you and your spouse are not having sex regularly, you need to figure out how to make it a priority.

Marriage is giving. The “work” people speak of when talking about having an extraordinary marriage, in one word, is giving: giving of your time, giving of yourself, and quite simply meeting the other person’s needs in various areas of life. We can’t completely meet our wives’ needs in every area; husbands are not a replacement for God. However, He did place us in a marriage to be helpers to one another and to become one flesh. As men, it is our responsibility not only to be the head of our household, but also to meet our wives’ needs as women.

When men think of sex or intimacy, our minds go immediately to the actual act of having sex. This is normal, and it is the way God made us. However, this is not how God made our wives. When they think of sex or intimacy, they think of, well…intimacy. They desire you to hold them, to be close, to be romantic. This is a foreign concept to a lot of guys and not something we particularly want to do out of our own volition. There isn’t anything wrong with this either; it’s just the way we are wired.

The amazing thing is that God made each of us with different desires so that we could share in them and meet each other’s needs, thus growing our love together in a beautiful mix. God truly intends our sex life to be a mix of these two very different concepts (sex and intimacy), and when it is, we experience one another on a whole new level. I can tell you, also, that these women are on to something with intimacy. We may not desire it initially, but once we experience it, we want more.

Being romantic is another important part of this. (Spontaneously spell out 'I love you' in the snow. I did this once, and it scored major points.)

Wives need us to continue to pursue them even in marriage. Romantic gestures make them feel wanted and loved, and often lead to sex and intimacy (although doing them with this intention defeats the purpose). A lot of times I hear guys say that they aren’t romantic because the whole “flowers and chocolates” thing just isn’t them. I understand this; it’s not really me either. I encourage you to be creative. You know your wife better than anyone else. Do something she’ll really like, or if it fits you, make something she’ll really like. The most romantic gestures are the ones that remind her of you.

Meeting your wife’s needs in the area of sex and intimacy will encourage and grow an important part of your marriage. It will also encourage her to meet your needs in this area as well. Now go do something nice for your wife.

Howell 
@G2WHubs

Click to Tweet:  The “work” people speak of when talking about having an extraordinary marriage, in one word, is giving. #MarriageMonday.