Marriage Is Like a...

I have a porcelain tea bag holder shaped as a teapot with a flower inside it that sits next to my kitchen sink to hold my rings when I’m cooking. A friend bought it for me in England because she knew how fondly I remember my semester abroad in London. Although the little teapot shattered once, I glued each piece back together with great care, and I like the imperfection of it so much that it still sits in its same place.

Last week, I was doing dishes and thinking about what to write for this blog post, and I felt like the Lord told me that my porcelain teapot could be a metaphor for marriages.

Everyone’s marriage faces a chip or two over the years. Some end up with entire cracks and separation. Some get glued back together with care, restored completely.

I fully believe every marriage faces a moment, at least one, when both people are confronted with the decision—stay and fight for their marriage or give up. It may be a dramatic standoff, or it may be after years of passivity where the relationship has lost priority, and both people are just biding their time.

For Howell and me, our first year of marriage wasn’t the toughest. It was years two and three. I remember after one particular fight, I felt deceived and defeated. We seemed to be in the same pattern, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I was truly on the brink of giving up. We were young. We didn’t have any kids. Why stay?

The next morning, I saw a man whose red and puffy eyes matched my own, and I’ve never questioned our marriage since then—no matter what we have faced.

God was gracious to us in that season. We learned a lot about ourselves and each other and most of all about who God is and what He can do in our hearts.

He became the super glue that mended those broken places until they were stronger than ever before.

What about you, friends? Can you remember a time in your marriage that felt like a line in the sand? What compelled you to stay and fight?

Maybe you’re feeling cracked and broken even now, and super glue doesn’t feel possible. I can promise you, it’s worth the process to let God mend your marriage. It’s a supernatural feat only He can accomplish in us—if we’re willing.

Ask for help. Seek wise counsel. See a counselor. Whatever you need to do—but don’t stop fighting or your marriage.

Yes, Dear!

I often hear husbands say that the two most important words you can know to keep your wife happy are "Yes, Dear" or that the best phrases to learn are "Yes, Dear; I'm sorry; You're right; and It won't happen again." 

Among men, this is a joke, but it’s also taken seriously. I'm not saying that as men, you can never be wrong, but I am saying that we can't just say what our spouses want to hear to get out of an undesirable situation. I have several issues with this cultural paradigm that has arisen.

I'll be the first to admit that for years, I was very guilty of this. I'm what we like to call a natural pleaser. I don't like conflict in my relationships, and before I was truly transformed by the Holy Spirit, I would do or say just about anything to make Laura not upset with me anymore. What did this really yield? More heartache and rejection feelings on both sides, not to mention, it doubled the length of our arguments.

This attitude is really saying, "Yes, Dear, I'm lying to you by saying what you want to hear so I can go do what I think is best, no matter what you think." BE AN ADULT. Real relationships are defined by truth, and if this is your way of dealing with issues, then it isn't a real relationship. I know that sounds harsh, but when I compare the time in which I just told Laura what she wanted to hear and the time in which I've been truthful and really dealt with issues head-on, in a loving way, the two don't really even look close. 

What if, instead of just saying whatever you think will end this discussion the fastest, you have your spouse sit down with you and have a face-to-face discussion about the issue. Don't completely assume that you are right or wrong immediately. Listen to what she has to say about the problem; ask her how it makes her feel. Tell her what your true intention was and talk about how you think things may have gone better if one or both of you had approached the situation in a different manner. Now for the tough part, you may have to actually apologize and mean it if you are wrong. Usually though, in my experience, after we have figured out what the root cause was, one (or both) of us is sincere about apologizing for what happened.

I hope this insight helps you as much as it has helped me. 

Howell | @g2whubs

Check List or Forgiveness?

Laura and I were talking with some other couples about how we argue and what our fleshly tendencies are when we do, so I thought I would share an insight that I’ve discovered about myself that might help someone else.

When something goes wrong, or I upset her, I tend to want to fix it immediately. I think that there are certain personality types that just want to fix problems quickly. Let’s be efficient people!! At least that’s my natural tendency. When it comes to matters of the heart, though, the fastest way is not always the most efficient way. Think of it like this. If something is really important, like your spouse’s feelings, you should take the time to make it right. All good things take time, especially marriage.

Early on in our marriage, I asked Laura. “What words or phrases would be most effective to help us solve our differences?” This might sound like a great question to ask, and it is. She obliged with some things that really minister to her in times of distress, which was wonderful. Excellent communication, right? It surely was. We were on the right track…but, application makes all the difference.

I jumped on those phrases like a bicyclist at the Tour de France. That is to say, way too fast. I applied the words and phrases that she gave the first chance I had, and they fell completely flat. All that great communication down the drain?! Well, almost. What I didn’t realize is that these great words are moot without hearing Laura out first. She needed a chance to tell me how she felt, and then we needed time to let those words soak in.

She just needed a little time to process, and I just needed to back off a bit. Recently, the Lord brought all this back to me when I was watching our dogs. 

Rizzoli, our Weimaraner, is much bigger than our Wheaton mix, Charlie, and thus has much bigger feet, which stomp around like Godzilla in Tokyo most of the time. This means that she steps on his tail a lot. When she does, he gets upset and barks and whines. She obviously feels terrible and stays about two centimeters from his face until he feels better, whether he likes it or not—and, in fact, he hates that too. She is really just making a bad situation worse by doing that, just like I was.

What really changed all this for the good, though, was finding the root cause. Through some prayer and self-reflection, He revealed to me that I needed to have our problems solved and find reconciliation so quickly because I was putting my security in whether Laura was okay with me instead of putting my security in Him. Simply put, I was putting more pressure on our marriage than God intended. When my security is in Him, our marriage functions much better. I’m free to ask Laura how she feels or what issues are happening and not feel an urgency to pressure her to forgive. She is then free to feel my sincerity, rather than my insecurity. In turn, we resolve issues much faster and are healthier in general together. What an amazing God we serve!!

 ~Howell

@G22WHubs

Five Things I Wish I Had Known as a Newlywed

A couple weeks ago Howell told me the sermon topic at his men’s morning group was “10 things I wish I knew when I was 21.”

We started talking about how that would make a great blog post if we related it to our first year of marriage. So this week, I’ll share five things I wish I had known in our first year of marriage. (In two weeks, Howell will share his five.) 

1. It’s okay for Howell to have friends and need guy time—like hunting or playing basketball. These are good for his soul, and rather than feeling insecure that he wants time alone or time away, I’ve learned to encourage him to do so. 

2. We don't have to be the same. It’s okay that he loads the dishwasher differently or that he doesn’t know what we’re doing five weekends from now, or even that he doesn’t like all my same shows. He doesn’t have to be like me to love me, and if he doesn’t do something like I would, it also doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.

3. In most arguments, we’re both wrong. I probably didn’t learn to apologize and ask for forgiveness until about year four or five of our marriage. If I was upset, of course my reason was legit—and Howell was wrong. Period. I had to learn that sometimes I need to apologize for getting upset—for overreacting, for being too sensitive, for responding in anger, etc.

4. My response is my responsibility. Most of the time, what Howell said or did was not offensive or hurtful, even if I took it that way. But whether my reason for getting upset was legit, I am always in control of how I respond.

5. Howell's heart for me is good. I wish I had learned to get to Howell’s heart sooner instead of jumping to the constant conclusion that “he did X so he must not love me.” So often I would get my feelings hurt over something he did or said, and it would take a while to calm down and hear that he either didn’t mean it that way or didn’t realize that X decision or statement would cause me to respond the way I did.

**Bonus! I’d tie all this together by saying a common theme in our first year of marriage was insecurity. Most of the time, however I was responding or reacting was based on my level of security. I often doubted Howell’s love for me, and I was quicker to be suspicious that he doesn’t love me than to believe that he did.

But the greatest lesson I learned—and it changed our marriage drastically—was to find true security in the Lord. Howell can’t be my all and everything. At some point, he’ll let me down—and no one wants to live under that kind of pressure anyway.

But if I trust in the Lord to be my source, then I can also learn to trust my husband’s heart toward me, and I can feel secure in our marriage because I feel secure in the Lord.

Friends, if you’re newly married, you might find yourself in conflict often, but you can get to your spouse’s heart and see that he or she loves you; you can find self-control and respond appropriately; and you can find security in the Lord for a healthy marriage.

If you’ve been married a while—what are your lessons? What do you wish you’d known in your first year of marriage?

Choosing LOVE for your Marriage

Many years ago, I wrote these words in my journal:

“Live by faith. Live by grace. Live fully. You get to choose how you live today.”

[Tweet this.]

I feel like God reminded me of these words last week for a particular area of my life, but I also think these words are especially true for our marriage. I have learned there are a lot of things in my life that I cannot control. I cannot control the traffic lights on the way to work, when I’m running five minutes late. I cannot control when my precious dog tears down our door frame and sets off the alarm because of an unexpected thunderstorm while we are at work (yeah—that happened last week :)). And, most importantly, I cannot control the timing of God’s plan.

But I have also learned that we’re not just puppets on a string. God has given us the ability and the opportunity to choose. We get to make choices every day. We get to choose how we will live our life. We get to choose faith or doubt, life or death, peace or worry, anger or forgiveness. We get to choose!

Most marriages have a partner who is quick to forgive (and usually quick to apologize) and another partner who is not so quick to do either. In our marriage, Howell tends to be the better half—not only is he quick to ask for my forgiveness when he knows I am upset, but he also forgives quickly if I’ve upset him. Within a few minutes of being offended, he can change his whole attitude, extend his forgiveness, and we move on. I, on the other hand, am not always as good at this. Maybe it is a “woman” thing, but it’s harder to just “get over it” (however small “it” is) when he has hurt my feelings. Even though he has apologized. Even though he has asked for my forgiveness. Sometimes, I just say I need space, or I need time.

I’m not saying “time” or “space” isn’t a good thing for some arguments, but God is teaching me that I ought not to need much time or space at all. Time is precious. Each second is a gift. And we are not in control of the seconds, minutes, or hours in our lifetime. But we are in control of our choices. We are in control of how we are going to react or respond. Every minute that I let pass being upset or offended with Howell is time wasted, a gift not spent.

It feels strange at first…when I want to hold on to the “it” and stay mad. But I get to choose life. I get to choose forgiveness. I get to choose joy and love.

It’s so rewarding when you choose to release, to let go. I remember the first time I made the choice. What would normally have been a 10-, 15-, or 30-minute argument was over in two minutes. After I had taken offense over whatever “it” was, I took a deep breath. I closed my eyes. I prayed for grace. And I said, “I forgive you.” Making that choice is always freeing, but it’s truly special when you forgive quickly, when you just release the offense and let God fill your heart with love again. Your spouse will be released, as well.
 
Practice forgiveness in your marriage, always. But also practice making good choices. Choose life. Choose to love your spouse. Choose to live by God’s grace. You get to choose how you live today.

Fighting for your Marriage

God has been speaking to my heart lately about how important it is to fight for your marriage. If you want a good marriage, it doesn’t just “happen.” Most of you probably know that any relationship takes work and effort, time and investment, if it’s going to be successful. Marriage is no different.

It’s seems obvious, but I don’t think it’s as practiced as we might think. Anytime we let a fight just “go” without working it out, anytime we leave something unsaid, anytime we go to bed or to work or to wherever and resolve to “fix it” later, we’re not fighting for our marriage.

We know that the enemy is real, and we know he is not passive. The Bible describes him as a lion, searching whom he may devour. That’s not someone kicking back in the LazyBoy watching T.V. (although, sometimes, I think he could do nothing at all, and we’d still manage to get ourselves in a pickle!). But he is active, alive, and always on the prowl.

And I firmly believe that the enemy attacks marriages in particular because it’s a two-for-one benefit—he can destroy not one heart, but two. And, similarly, if two become one, and as a result, become the extraordinary, powerful tool that God intends, then Satan is doubly defeated. So, of course he wants to destroy marriages. Why wouldn’t he?

If we know this, then we ought to likewise be proactive in our defense against his attacks instead of always reeling from the blows as they come. Most people, I think, are always on the defensive, instead of the offensive, and that becomes exhausting eventually. I believe there are three powerful steps we can take when we resolve to fight for our marriages:

• Communicate. Howell loves to talk on communication, so I usually leave that to him, but it is one of the most important things you can do for your marriage (followed closely by having sex regularly—something we want to post about soon). As he mentioned in a recent post, communicating is much more than talking. Make it a point—a goal, if you will—to have a meaningful conversation with your spouse every day—even if you lose a little more sleep, even if you’re running late, even if dinner isn’t fixed on time, even if you miss your show.
• Pray. Prayer is a powerful tool, and while there are some who are gifted to pray for hours (intercessors), we can all take a few minutes a day and pray for our spouse and pray for our marriage. Howell and I started doing this a few years ago, and we firmly believe we have built a defensive barrier against the enemy by doing so. Pray that God protect your marriage from the enemy, from the flesh, from sin, and from others. Pray that God would teach you both to love selflessly, to put the other one first, and to live graciously. Pray that God would transform your marriage from ordinary to extraordinary. Pray separately. Pray together. Both are powerful and important.
• Forgive easily. This is the area I probably harp on the most, but it’s so important, especially for women. If you let an event—big or small—go undealt with, then it will take root in your heart. Anytime we refuse to forgive, we open the door to the enemy. He is waiting, believe me, for any signs of weakness—and he will attack. Don’t be his prey. Communicate your feelings, listen to your spouse, believe the best for each other, and forgive.

I realize these are simple steps, but often difficult to walk out. Our schedules get busy, we run out of time, we have some place to be—and so, we let things go. Don’t let anything get “too far gone.” It’s what Satan wants. Don’t let him win the battle—or the war.

Fighting for your marriage is not easy; it takes work. Plead the blood of Jesus over your marriage. Pray for his protection against the enemy. Rely on his grace that empowers us to be extraordinary. And then, take a stand. Take responsibility for your actions. Be proactive in the fight for your marriage. It’s a decision you make. Everyday.  A resolution. A declaration to fight.

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