A Deeper Look at 1 John 4: Love Perfected

Can we be honest? Sometimes when we read 1 John, it feels condemning. One example? “Anyone who does not love does not know God” (4:8).  

Yikes! We can read that and think, well, I’ve sure had plenty of ‘unloving’ moments, so I guess I don’t know God.  

Sigh. Grumble. Grumble. Cry.  

Right?  

But to read and study 1 John, we have to first understand John as a person. He considered himself Jesus’s favorite and repeatedly refers to himself in the book of John as ‘the one Jesus loved.’ Seems pretty bold, huh? 

Actually, John just had a deep, deep, DEEP understanding of who he is in Christ. He is, I think, one of the best pictures of a disciple walking in his identity in Christ. And so yeah, he comes across a little arrogant sometimes, a little over-confident, but if we read his words in the context of his full and complete confidence in who he is in Christ, then we can see why he makes the bold statements that he makes.  

And the more I study him, the more I can see his style of writing, where what feels like a super bold (and condemning) statement is usually explained in more context if we continue reading and also if we make connections from earlier statements to later statements. And always those statements are rooted in an understanding of either who God is or who we are in Christ, as believers with His spirit and new nature.  

I’ve been meditating on chapter 4, specifically verses 16 through 18 because I have been consumed with quite a bit of fear and anxiety lately. It started with verse 18—and again, we can read this and think, gosh, I’m fearful. I guess God’s love is not perfected in me. Sigh. Sigh. Grumble. Grumble. Cry.  

First, we need context. Let’s start in verse 12. It says, “No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.”  

It feels like this means love is perfected in us, if/when we love one another.  

We love >> then God abides >> then love is perfected  

But keep reading... 

John explains how we know that we abide in Him and He in us: we have his Spirit (v. 13), we have the gospel testimony (v. 14), and we confess Jesus as the son of God (v. 15).  

Now we get to what I’ve been meditating on—verses 16 through 18: 

“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love, abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected with us so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment because as He is so are we in this world. There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.”  

After we know that we abide in Him (i.e. we have his Spirit, we believe the gospel testimony, we confess Jesus as the son of God—in other words, we’re born-again believers), THEN we have come to know and to believe the love God has for us (v. 16).  

Now we see that God is love and to abide in love is to abide in God and to have God abide in us.  

THEN is love perfected—“by this...” (v. 17).  

So when John says (v. 18), whoever fears has not been perfected in love, it means he who is fearing/fearful is not abiding in God nor God in Him. There’s a disconnect.  

When we disconnect, we fear. When we fear, we expect punishment. When we expect punishment, we have forgotten the love of God—what we first came to know and believe.  

The more deeply we’re rooted in our identity in Christ, the more fully we accept His love for us, the less likely we will be to walk in fear.  

 

A "Love-Wink" from God

I'm always amazed when God gives me a little love-wink, his way of saying—I see you, and I love you. When I look for it, I see his little gifts all the time. And last week, He out-did himself.

I attended the LCU annual fundraiser, which hosted Jen Hatmaker.  If you haven’t heard of her, find her hilarious and inspiring blogs here, read my all-time favorite posts here and here and here, and find her latest book (which is, you guessed it, also hilarious) here.

I’m grateful that my parents—who know how much I love Jen’s writing—got me tickets to not only hear her but also meet her! My sister and I were on cloud nine—and five days before the event, we began texting our hypothetical questions and conversations with Jen (e.g. “So, what’s it like being awesome?” “When should we plan our next get-together?).

Of course, the VIP meeting was really like 2.5 seconds as we took a quick picture together, and I was among hundreds of other women as eager to be Jen’s buddy as I am.

I am terrible at meeting famous people—not that I’ve had a lot of experience either. I brought her latest book, determined to ask her to sign it, but when I was next in line, I lost all sense of words and talking and stuff.

She actually said ‘Hi!’ to me first and asked for my name—all before I had said a word. EEK! But then, after I had managed to state my name, she hugged me, and I thought, Awesome—she’s not too famous for my fumbling, introverted self. Woot!

I became, naturally, obsessed with getting a do-over to meet her again and ask her to sign my book. Those were my 2.5 seconds, and I fumbled the ball!

I kept trying to get back into “the room” even though we’d been ushered out after our picture. I begged my sister, who was literally ONE TABLE away and who always has connections, to do something.

But the evening began, and Jen was there, on the stage, and then ushered off, and my moment was gone.

I decided to get over it. It wasn’t that big of a deal. I even considered writing her a letter—creatively capturing the evening and my 2.5-second moment and my utter regret; hoping, perhaps that she would sign my book and return it.

And then, when the evening was over—and when my door of getting a signed For the Love copy really was closed—my sister walked up with a signed book and hands it to me.

I could have melted into the ground.

Bless.

I love my sister. I love her precious heart to give me her signed copy that was part of her table decorations. She really is awesome—more awesome than meeting famous people.

I also love that my Heavenly Dad knew my heart, knew my desire, and gave me a little love-wink that night.

It’s like his way of saying, “Hey, calm down. I had this figured out.”

“Hey, calm down. I’m much more impressive. Watch me do.”

“Hey, I give the best gifts.”

“Hey, I love you.”

Share your favorite 'love-wink' from God below!

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Getting Back on That Horse!

Last week, Howell and I vacationed in Colorado to celebrate our birthdays. We both turn 30 this year (Howell turned 30 Monday), and we wanted to do something fun to commemorate the year!

We stayed at an all-inclusive ranch resort where we were pampered by excellent staff for three meals a day and where we could do all the activities we wanted from snowshoeing to backcountry skiing to horseback riding (and more!).

We were so active on our trip that we came home sore (Ha!), but we loved it!

Some of you may or may not know that I had an accident on a horse in 2008—just a few short months before my wedding. It was not my first time to fall off a horse—not even my second or third—but it was pretty significant, significant enough that I feared riding horses, which I never had before.

I won’t go into the details (they’re not really important for this post), but the short version is that I blacked out before I hit the ground, so I landed on my face.  My jaw was moved, my teeth were affected, my brain had a little swelling (thankfully, nothing damaging ;)), and my face was all banged up for weeks, if not months. I was trying on wedding dresses with a black-and-blue face and one eye swollen shut—what a moment to feel pretty. J

The thing is, I grew up around horses. My grandmother had a horse that I rode all the time, and I grew up with friends with horses that I rode. I know how to saddle a horse, handle a horse, and clean a horse after riding.

But after that accident, I was too scared to ride. I attempted to get on my mom’s horse a few years ago, but I only rode him for maybe 5 minutes before I felt scared and got off.

Then last week, while we were in Colorado, I had the chance to “get back on that horse”—and I really wanted to try. I wasn’t sure if I would ride, but I wanted to see how I felt.

And…

It felt great. I wasn’t scared. It felt natural again—and we had a good afternoon (despite the freezing cold temperatures and blowing blizzard snow!).

So, why am I talking about riding horses?

Well, the Lord reminded me of my experience this morning while also reminding me of Proverbs 24:16—that a righteous man falls seven times and rises again.

I was really rude to Howell one day last week. It wasn’t anything overly dramatic; I was tired and grouchy and ended up saying something rude and sarcastic. But, although he forgave me, I’ve had a hard time letting it go.

This morning the Lord reminded me that my new nature is righteous. That’s who I am. It’s as it should be between me and Him.

It’s not that the righteous man doesn’t fall. In fact, he may even fall seven times.

But he doesn’t stay down.

I remember having it presented to me like this: you can know whether you believe you’re righteous, whether you believe everything is as it should be between you and God, based on how long it takes you to forgive yourself when you mess up. If you feel like you have to wallow in pity, or do penance, or do more to earn favor again—then you’re not believing you’re righteous.

Jesus paid it all.

As simple and basic as that truth is—one that I’ve heard a thousand times, I’ve learned this week that I still have this feeling that if I misbehave God will be mad at me; if something happens that I didn’t want or ask for, then God must have ill-intentions toward me.

He so gently whispered to me this morning—Get back up.

I am good and always loving. My intentions toward you are good. The thoughts I think toward you are never evil—never ill-intentioned. You can trust my heart—it’s full of love for you; it wants good things for you.

Isn’t it great that we serve an all-loving God? 

Do you ever have a hard time believing it? 

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His Joy Comes in the Morning

The year comes to an end, and in some ways, I feel 2015 is closing as 2014 did. We end again with loss and grief and hope deferred.

My family was discussing this recently—and noting that these last four years have been some of our hardest, maybe ever. My parents lost parents—and I have no more blood grandparents (thank God for two grandmothers by marriage or a whole generation would be gone completely). 

We’ve been through breast cancer and heart surgery at the end of a year of chemo and radiation. We’ve watched hair fall out and heads shaved while hearing ‘negative’ 14 times from the fertility office. My parents have six grandbabies in Heaven. Six. Who can endure four years of that?

But as I sit here this morning, when my heart could be sick from hope deferred, I am reminded of the choice before me: I choose joy and peace and gratitude. I choose to be content and to see the blessings.

We’ve faced a lot as a family since 2011.

But we’ve conquered a lot, too. And we’ve laughed a lot. And we’ve witnessed all the good.

Two weddings and a precious baby boy.

New houses, new jobs.

Dreams come true, and new dreams to come.

A cancer-free report again, and again, and again.

At the end of 2015, we still have each other: wonderful parents, in-laws, and siblings; blessed marriages, houses, and cars; and an 18-month-old, who is our hope and joy and light in the midst of what sometimes feel dark and painful.

On January 1, 2015, Howell and I made the decision to do nothing this year but live life. No more fertility treatments. No more adoption classes. Nothing.

Because after four tough years, we needed 12 months of each other.

And I’m thankful on December 31, 2015 for the memories we made.

Three ski trips, a half-a-dozen lake trips, eight days in San Diego, weekends away—in Dallas, in Santa Fe, in any place that was within six driving hours and had a king-sized bed. 

We’ve logged thousands of miles in the car this year—just us or with our fur-babies—and with every click forward on the odometer, the grief in our hearts is wiped away.

When Brad Paisley’s voice fills the cab of Howell’s truck with questions of how the love for his spouse could be more today than way back then, I smile because I feel it too.

I wish at the close of this year, I could announce a pregnancy with something clever like a third stocking, an unopened present, or a new year’s surprise, but while I still carry my dreams, I keep them securely placed in my Father’s chest, and every time I want to take a quick peek, he reminds me that I can trust His heart.

If I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that my Father loves me more than I can comprehend. It’s something fierce and powerful, and it cannot be undone.

He can’t un-love me; neither can He love me more.

His love is immeasurable and complete.

When I doubt His plans for me, I doubt how great His love is.

When I feel hopeless, I’ve misplaced His great love, trading it for my plans, which pale in comparison.

His love is no longer cliché to me. It’s my security and my peace, my comfort and my hope.

When I believe His love is enough, I know I’m enough.

And when I’m less concerned with whether I’m enough, I can see others who need to know they are enough too.

I can tell that struggling college student, I know what it’s like—and you can overcome. This too shall pass. 

I can tell my struggling mom-friend, I see you, and I’m sorry for the hard days. They are real, and it’s okay to feel it.

When I believe how much He loves me, I can trust His heart. And I am set free.

Free to be me. Free to run in my lane and live in my margin.

I don’t have to compare or contrast.

I can empathize from my lane without bitterness or jealousy. I can be thankful and grateful in my lane without losing compassion for those in another lane.

The desire to be a mom is no less today than last year, but an amazing thing happened over these last 12 months: I learned life in my lane is pretty great too.

I can play with my nephew—who has my heart and my love in a way I’ve never known. I can take the pictures and sing the silly songs and treasure those sweet moments of hugs and snuggles.

But I can also sleep 9 (ish :)) hours without the interruptions—the runny nose and fever, the 2 a.m. throw up. I can take trips when I want to or randomly plan a date night in Amarillo or drop everything to see a movie and eat popcorn for dinner.

Don’t get me wrong—I still long for the day when my margin is expanded and a new mom-column is added, but this lane has its own perks. And I can see them when I’m not trying to run in someone else’s lane.

I’ve also learned this year that it’s okay to feel all the feels, as my good friend Jen Hatmaker would say. And it’s okay to be vulnerable.

When I’m hurting, it’s okay to tell someone. Text those friends I trust the most. Ask for prayers. Let someone else speak truth when I cannot.

It’s okay to ask for help. This is sometimes the most courageous thing I can do—and it’s worth it every time.

This year—more than any other—I’ve not only been okay with me, I’ve been okay with letting others see the real me. (She’s pretty awesome.)

And finally, I’ve learned that while emotions lie, His word never does. I can tuck His word deep into my heart, and it stands. Forever. Eternally true.

Not that this post has to be advicey, but if there’s advice to be offered, it’s this:

Pain and suffering is inevitable in this life; even Jesus said so. But joy is our choice, and it’s worth it.

Hope deferred happens—for whatever reason—to everyone, but His love is never deferred. It is ever-present to comfort and secure.

Comparison is a trap (don’t we all know it?), but life is great when you live with gratitude in your own lane.

The end of 2015 really has been hard, but I feel like the Lord has asked me not to throw away all of 2015 because of that. 

I believe 2016 is going to be a great year. This year we will see prayers answered and dreams accomplished. God is going to pour out blessing on our family—so much that we cannot contain it. I can’t wait to see how He chooses to unfold these gifts before us. Already, today, my cup runs over.

The Habits of Marriage: Establishing a Prayer Time

We said last Monday that we wanted to share five good habits for your marriage. A habit should be a regular practice, something you naturally do. While some habits might be developed subconsciously (biting your nails, for example), a good habit usually has to be fostered, developed, cultivated. In short, good habits come from intentional choices we make every day. 

Today I want to post about establishing a prayer time with your spouse. 

For some, this topic might sound challenging. You might think: We’re too busy; our schedules are off—I’m coming when he’s going; and by the time we get to the end of the day, I’m too exhausted to pray. If that’s you—I have some encouragement…

But others of you (wives, especially), might think the idea sounds amazing and spiritual—and now if only I could get my husband to participate, right? 

For our wedding, someone gave us a devotional book for married couples. I thought that sounded fantastic—Yes, let’s do devotions and hold hands and pray together, every. night. forever. 

But, like most of our first few years of marriage, myexpectations were ridiculous and unattainable (even for myself). I had a picture of what spiritual looked like, and we hardly measured up. 

For one, I could never get Howell to lead, no matter how much I nagged. What I didn’t know then is that my husband didn’t lead because I was busy playing boss. What I also didn’t know then is that he felt inadequate to lead because when I “reprimanded” him for being such a “terrible spiritual leader,” I was actually reinforcing what he already believed about himself. 

I thought having a prayer time with your spouse meant hours of praying together, praying in the spirit, pouring our hearts out. If the prayer time wasn’t long and if it wasn’t emotionally satisfying, then it was not enough. 

No wonder we weren’t consistent. No wonder Howell felt defeated. Who can perform like that every single day? 

I use the word perform intentionally—what I was looking for in Howell, and what I was doing, was in fact a performance. 

You see, the first step to establishing a prayer time with your spouse is establishing your own GENUINE, personal prayer time. 

And the first step to establishing your own personal prayer time is receiving by faith your status as a son or daughter, your righteousness, your new identity in Christ. 

When you see yourself as He sees you, you don’t have to perform for Him. Your works don’t please Him. Jesus already did that—on the cross; it’s a finished work. He’s already pleased. 

When you see yourself as He sees you, you don’t have to earn His love. Your works don’t increase His love for you; neither does your lack of devotion—the missed bible study, the forgotten prayer time—diminish His love for you. His love is immeasurable and complete; it already IS.

For Howell and I both, when we began to realize who we are in Christ, our righteousness, our status in His Kingdom, His love for us—then the way we approach Him changed, too. 

Prayer becomes a conversation, not a duty. 

Prayer becomes a way of life, not a task list. 

And a prayer time becomes less about an hour of our day and more about the daily seconds of each hour.

Dear friends—whether you’ve been married a long time or not, you won’t create a genuine habit of praying with your spouse until you have first created a habit of spending time with Your Father, Your Savior, and Your Helper. 

Not only did my personal prayer life change from performance to genuine connection, but also I stopped putting expectations on what Howell’s prayers should “look like.” As I began to encourage him, to praise him when he led us, to thank him when he prayed over me, he began to grow in confidence to lead. The problem was never Howell’s ability to lead; the problem was I needed to get out of the way if I wanted him to step into his God-given role. When I did, he did. 

And as he grew in learning who he is in Christ, he grew in leading our family. I didn’t do that. God did it in him. 

So if the first step is developing your own personal prayer time, then the next challenge might be to create time to pray with your spouse too. 

I understand busyness. I really do. You have to find what works for you and your partner. If you are both up in the mornings, pray together then—before the kids get up, before you go to work, before the craziness sets in. If you have different morning routines, then pray together at night—after the kids are in bed, after you’ve finished your day. 

Personally, we have different morning routines. We spend time with the Lord on our own in the mornings. And we pray together at night before we go to bed.

Some nights we pray longer. We share what God’s doing in our hearts. We press into where His Spirit is leading us. We desperately listen for Him to respond. 

But some nights, we don’t. Some nights we pray for less than a minute, and some nights, we forget to pray. (That’s okay, too! ;-))

Praying together doesn’t have to be dramatic—as I once thought it did. :) It doesn’t have to take a long time either. 

In fact, my busy-friend, my prayer is that if you put expectations on yourself for what praying together should look like, or if you feel burdened by praying together because you already feel like a failure—ask your Father to show you how He sees you, how He sees your marriage. I promise you’ll find that He’s pleased with you because of Jesus, and He is FOR you and your marriage. He’s not disappointed in you, and praying together or not praying together does NOT increase or diminish His love for you in any way. 

Let that be established in your heart! A good habit is not about fueling works righteousness. 

But we wouldn’t be emphasizing this topic if we didn’t deeply feel that it matters, so here are four reasons praying with your spouse is a good habit to cultivate: 

• When you pray with your spouse, it’s hard to hold on to any unforgiveness or bitterness that is poisoning your marriage.  
• When you pray with your spouse, you confirm the hedge of protection that God places around you to protect your marriage from the enemy.
• When you pray with your spouse, you connect your hearts on a spiritual level.
• When you pray with your spouse, your prayers of agreement move mountains in the Spirit realm. 

Creating the habit of a prayer time looks different for everyone, so don’t put yourself or your marriage in a box. And you or your spouse may be at different places spiritually—that’s okay too. Don’t put your spouse in a box either.

But when you can come together and pray—if not daily, then weekly or monthly—I promise you’ll see God move in your heart and move in areas of your life where you seek Him. 

We’ve said, commitment plus consistency equals results. Practicing this first habit will produce positive results in your marriage.

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