Monday, January 23, 2012

Living Life Fully

Life is passing by, and I am missing it. I am not living. I don't live eucharisteo (see Ann Voskamp's book).  I don't live life to the fullest. I just sit, resting on the bench, a passive participant.

I want to be a better.... everything. Someone who prays. Someone who lives by faith. Someone who follows through, who finishes what she began. Someone who commits. Someone with discipline and diligence. Someone who trusts. And risks. And leaps. And dreams. I want to live.

But to be honest, the task seems so daunting. And I think part of me doesn't know how to even begin. God told me almost a year ago, "When life gets hard, when you feel like I've not answered your prayers, that's when you press in the most. Speak truth and believe it!" But, as great as that sounds, it's also not so simple.

I know I need to press in, but how? I know I need to speak truth, but what? I read all these amazing books, and I think Yes! Yes, that's for me: a dare to live fully, right where I am; a dare to live by His extraordinary grace; a dare to break free from intimidation. But the sun comes up (often while my eyes are closed), and the sun goes down. And I am the same. I am unchanged. I am a hearer, only.

But I am learning... I am in control of the choices I make. I get to choose life or death. I get to choose faith or doubt. I get to choose grace or failure. I get to choose dreams or fear. I want to make good choices, to live by good habits, to develop a godly character, to live by the Holy Spirit.

And while I can control the choices I make, how I'm going to live or respond, some thing are outside my control. And, as Susan Bozarth said this weekend, I must learn to be content with my reality. Hal and I have been praying and hoping for some things in our life, but life is what it is. And God's timing is one of those things that is just simply out of my control. And I have to be content with that. I have to trust that He has the best plan, the best timing, the best future.

Oh Lord, that you would hear me, that you would see me: raw, vulnerable, real, open, honest. I do not like what I see, but you have made me new. You have redeemed me. I need to know that. And I need to know you. Just you. Not anything that you could do for me, but just who you are. I want to know who you are. I want to be in awe, in reverence, in holy fear of you. I want to know you. May that be what drives me, what motivates me, what gets me out of bed each morning with excitement. Just you. Who are you are. The gift of a new day. The chance to know you, to discover who you are. 

** Live by faith. Live by grace. Live fully. You get to choose how you live today. **
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