Embracing Weakness

I love the new song by Matthew West, “Strong Enough.” In the chorus, he says:

I know I’m not strong enough to be

Everything that I’m supposed to be

I give up

I’m not strong enough

Hands of mercy, won’t you cover me?

Lord right now, I’m asking you to be

Strong enough

Strong enough

For the both of us.

That’s how I feel today. Embracing my weakness. Knowing in my weakness, He is strong enough.

In 10 short weeks, I’ll be taking my quals test—a test that “qualifies” me to complete my dissertation. But I’m only 2/3 through my reading list. I still have to read 26 articles and 32 books—33 if you count the one in my lap right now…the one I’m not reading because I’m writing this. Every day, I feel like getting myself to read is more and more of a struggle. I’m excited about my dissertation project. I’m excited about my future. But it feels so far away…and mustering the strength to finish this hurdle so I can complete that hurdle is more difficult than I imagined.

Some days – like today – I just want to quit. I ask myself, do I really need a PhD? There are plenty of jobs I can take with a MA, plenty of teaching opportunities for me (aren’t there??). Some days – like today – I just want a baby. I want to be a mom. And I never want to read about research ethics or writing invention heuristics again.

Do you ever wish your life away? I wish that I was already finished with my PhD, that I already had a job secured (and could be making more than the lousy graduate student pay I make right now). I wish I were a teacher, a researcher, and a mom—already. And that, as such, I would already know it all works out. That it is possible to have all my heart desires.

Someday, I will be a teacher because that’s what He’s called me to be. And someday, I’ll be a mom too. But today, I’m a student who needs to read. And so, on days like these, I trust God to carry me. I trust Him to strengthen me. I trust that He holds my future in His hands—whatever that looks like. And I know that He makes all things beautiful, in His time (Ecc 3:11).

Lessons learned from our Biggest Loser competition

Our biggest loser competition ended today, and I took first place! The prize was $350! I truly believe that winning was only by the grace of God. About halfway through the competition, I really thought I was out of the race. I didn’t think I could win. Michalea had taken first place, Erika in second, and I was in third. I kept struggling with temptation. I wasn’t eating horribly bad, but every week or so, I’d find myself getting something that I really shouldn’t.

If you don’t know, the reason I started this whole process (and asked my family to get involved to support me) is because my doctor told me if I would lose about 20 pounds, my arthritis would not affect me as badly as I’d be taking weight off my hips and back. The problem, though, is that despite the fact that I have gained about 30 pounds since Hal and I got married (only 3 short years ago!!), I am not a very disciplined eater. In high school, believe it or not, I was a size 4. In college, a steady size 4 or 6. I’ve always eaten whatever I wanted. Anyone who knows me also knows I’ve always been a huge “junk” eater. In the past, it never mattered. I played sports in high school and was very active (working out, swimming, intramural, etc.) in college. But, when I got married, it all caught up to me!

Win or lose, I knew these last three weeks would be instrumental in changing my heart and really changing my lifestyle. I asked God to teach me self-control, which was, essentially, admitting that I desperately needed to be taught how to control myself and resist temptation to continue bad habits. I know it’s easy now (because I won) to say it wouldn’t have mattered if I won or lost because I truly learned something—but it’s the truth.

I learned that I can sit with a bowl of chips and queso in front of me—and not eat a single chip. I can sit choose something healthy (or healthier) on the menu instead of getting something with 1000 calories! I can withstand temptation to eat ice cream, chocolate, or whatever “it” is, even when I really want it. I can learn to eat ONE serving and truly be FULL. And if I got to bed a little hungry or satisfied—but not stuffed, that’s just fine.

I’ve come to realize how much of my life revolved around food. I think, in part, this is because of the way I was raised or because of our cultural values. We celebrate with food. And in our family, we celebrate food. We love to make big meals for our get togethers—with a main dish and many, many sides, plus dessert, breads, etc. I don’t want to change what we do, because it’s so much a part of our tradition and because it’s important that we get together. But I don’t have to eat every meal like that!

The other thing I’ve learned is that exercising really doesn’t have to be dreadful. I don’t have to lift weights or kill myself running or come home miserable and so sore, I can’t sit on the toilet! Hal and I started walking about 4 to 4 ½ miles around our neighborhood four or five nights a week. For us, it was a great way to spend quality time, especially in this season when our quality time was much-needed. But walking, I believe, is a form of exercise that’s largely undervalued! I can walk, briskly, for about an hour (which is how long it would take us), and not be miserable the next day. This week, because it was our final week, I got up earlier to jog in the mornings too. Turns out, having walked 4 ½ miles for the last two months, running a mile and a half was a breeze. :)

So, obviously, now that the competition is over, I’m excited about enjoying myself for the next week, which means Rosas, Taco Villa, pizza, etc. But, I’m encouraged to know that this is going to be a real change for me. I’m so thankful to know that I don’t have to eat everything that’s offered. I don’t have to eat a whole bowl of chips and salsa before my meal comes. And I don’t have to eat everything I want to eat.

I still have about 10-15 more pounds I want to lose, so stay tuned for our Biggest Loser 2: May 16 – August 10. :)

March updates

So, as usual, it's been a while since I've updated. I feel like this semester is flying by way too quickly! This was a good month, but I'll just touch on the highlights....

1) I lost 10 pounds this month! And not by doing any "fad diets!" Our family started doing the biggest loser on March 6 (mostly for me), so Hal and I have been eating better and taking walks every night (4 miles around the neighborhood!). This month, we walked 52 miles!! Since January, I've lost 15 pounds. It's still my goal to lose another 10 - 15 pounds over the next few months. I re-visit my doctor in May--the doctor who told me last fall that I needed to lose weight for my arthritis. I'm excited that I'll actually have some good news for him this time! lol! (P.S. I'm in first place for our competition! :))

2) This month I finally got my reading list approved for quals! Yippee!!! If you don't know, my next step for the PhD program is to take a qualifying exam. To take the exam, I have to read 100 books and articles (created by my committee and me), and then take the test. I started reading the first week of March. So far, I've read 12 books and 12 articles. I'm finding that I really need to balance reading and teaching. Sometimes I'm really good at doing one and really crappy at doing the other. I think this week was a little more balanced.....finally. The picture on the right is from last week.... I had to read 5 books to get caught up (from only reading 1 book over spring break). I told God, "Okay, your grace alone is going to empower me to do this!" I almost cried when I finished the last book by Saturday!! :)

3) This month has also been the month of baseball games. So far, we've been to a few games, but haven't seen Tech win... Somehow, we pick the wrong games to go to, or we're just bad luck! ha! But, we've had lots of fun hanging out with my sister and Shawny. Eating sunflower seeds. Watching the boys eat their nasty foot-long hot dogs with nacho cheese on it! And having a blast! :)

4) At the end of the month, we went to Fredericksburg. Mostly, we went to celebrate Hal's birthday, but I think we also both just wanted a break and some time alone. We had a great weekend. We stayed at a cute little cabin B&B. We had the whole place to ourselves, so it wasn't one of those awkward B&B things. It was so nice to spend a weekend just relaxing and enjoying some quality time! :) When we got back, Tomi made Hal a strawberry cake for his
birthday, so he got to celebrate again! ;)



















Overall, I'd say it's been a good month! God is teaching me so much about self-control and restraint. I've never been a disciplined eater. I've never had to be. In high school and college, I was always thin. I ate whatever I wanted to, and it didn't matter. I could still fit into my size 4 jeans. But in the last few years, that privilege has disappeared--and I've gained almost 30 pounds since 2007. And so God is teaching me how to be smarter with my eating habits. I used to hate when people would say that-- I would always think, "Yeah right, you just want to be thin, and you're playing the God card." But I have actually come to realize how much lack of self-control I have when it comes to food and eating what I want. So, even though it's a physical lesson, it's a good practical lesson in terms of resisting temptation and trusting God in all things.

The other thing God is teaching me is the practical lessons of trusting Him. I've been reading Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust. One of the things I realized this month was that Hal and I are pretty good at trusting God with the huge things that happen--like when our finances are not what we expected (i.e. $3,000 ER bill last year) or when God doesn't answer prayers like we think He will. But (at least for me) when it comes to trusting God with the day to day stuff, I really depend more on myself than Him. I didn't see stuff like a reading list or losing weight as things He really concerned Himself with. But the more personal God becomes to me, the more I see how much He wants control of every aspect of my life. I know that sounds elementary. Believe me, I've heard it my whole life. But I feel like now it's really beginning to click. That day-to-day surrender is a challenge, but so worth it. I see how much God's grace covers me for every part of my day.

Well, this longer than I thought my "quick update" would be. Thanks for reading. :)

Writings from the girl's retreat (Part 2)

This is what I wrote Sunday morning....

That's what I want my life to look like

I am looking outside at the pine trees blowing in the wind. The wind swirls all around, and their branches ruffle, but the statue of the tree is tall, and their roots are deep. They may be moved by the wind, but only momentarily. They bounce back, neither broken nor bent.

That's what I want my life to look like.

In Psalm 1, it says that the man who delights in God's word , the man who meditates on it day and night, will be like a tree planted by deep rivers of water--a tree whose leaves do not whither, whose fruit is ripe and lush.

That's what I want my life to look like.

A few weeks ago, Hal and I were watching Anderson Cooper's 360 on CNN. He was talking about how president Mubarack had declared Egypt to be in a state of emergency (before Mubarack officially stepped down). And Anderson made the comment that Mubarack's declaration was so insane because Egypt had spent the last 30 years in a state of emergency. That night, as I was lying in bed I thought -- God, I don't want to live my life in a state of emergency. I don't want to live life in crisis-mode, where everything is a panic and stress, where uncertainty rules and fear flourishes.

The truth is that I trust in a God who is good. The truth is that I need not worry about life because God cares for me. I am his daughter, and he takes watch over my life. He holds my world, my heart, in the palm of his hand. The truth is that my God is faithful and that he's promised not to leave me or forsake me. So I don't have to fear. He's promised a spirit of love, power, and a sound mind. He's promised rest in my weariness, strength in my weakness. He's promised that He in me is greater than anything in the world.

I close my eyes, and I still see the pine trees blowing in the wind, their resilience, their tenacity dancing against the black backdrop of my eyelids. And I imagine that I am that tree, that resistant, flexible, sturdy tree--that though the winds blow, my trunk is sturdy and my roots are deeply rooted in the soil of God's truth, of God's promises. And with each gust, I may move slightly to the left or slightly to the right, but only to return again to my center, my core.

That's what I want my life to look like.

Writings from the girl's retreat (Part 1)

This last weekend we had our Zoe girl's retreat in Ruidoso. And it could not have come at a better time for me. I needed a weekend to get away and be alone with God. And though I was surrounded by 19 girls, God spoke to my heart. Both mornings I woke up at 6:00 or 6:30, which never happens for me....But in the stillness of the morning, God was faithful to speak to me. I am excited about what He's doing in my life. And I'm excited about my future. I haven't written anything in months, and yet this weekend, God gave me so much to write about -- words that had been deep in my heart until now. I wanted to share a couple of them here on my blog. For now, I'll post the first one!

I Walk Ahead

The light breaks through the trees, touching softly on the rocks and bringing a glimmer, a sparkle to the dew on the grass. So, too, are you bringing light into dark places, into my heart. You reveal your truth to me in exchange for sweet surrender, in exchange for those parts of me tucked deep inside -- my biggest fears, my greatest hopes. With a flashlight, you shine light into my soul and gently slough off the cobwebs. And there, in secret, is my heart. Feeling the warmth of the light, the joy of sunshine, I surrender my heart to you. Slowly, gently, you take it in your hands. You stroke it softly before wrapping your fingers around it, enveloping it completely til there's only your hand, there's only you.

And like the rising dawn that breaks the darkness, that pierces the land, consuming every area in victory, your dawn of hope, of peace, fills me. Your dawn of rest and strength renews me. And I stand, refilled, Holy Spirit. I stand, reaffirmed. I stand, with purpose. You will move my feet, you will make the path. It's not about clarity, it's about risk. And I walk ahead, unafraid of the unknown path. Unafraid of the future. My heart has been surrendered, and with childlike faith in your unrestricted goodness and love, I walk ahead.

[Stay tuned for part two... :) ]