I love my sister. I love that our personalities are
completely opposite. I was reminded of this recently when we exchanged cars so
I could keep Canyon for the afternoon. I stepped out of my car that was clean
and vacuumed into my sister’s car—with more water bottles than you could count
and last month’s mail in the front seat. Some people might call that
motherhood, but I know the truth. (And by the way, that new reality may be true
for me someday.) But Michaela’s car has looked like that for as long as she’s
been driving. I know this because I would shove the papers and the water
bottles out of the way as I sat in her purple blazer, waiting for her to drive
me to school. I say waiting because I was downstairs and ready a good 20
minutes early every morning…so I could wait…
People have asked me: Is it hard being around Canyon? Have
you struggled since your sister had a baby? I would say there have been hard
days, but we—Michalea and I—we have wept together. That’s how we do things in
our family. Together.
I’ve never been around a lot of babies in my lifetime. Apart
from holding a baby here and there once or twice a year, I hadn’t been around babies. And getting to be around
Canyon these last six months, I now know it was God’s gift to me that my sister
got pregnant before me. I don’t say that lightly. I say that with genuine
gratitude. I would not want to walk what I’ve watched her walk for six months
without first watching her walk it.
I’m so proud of my sister. She’s an incredible mom. Of
course, I knew she would be. When it came to playing with baby dolls, she had the
whole mom thing down. But watching her in action, in real time, my heart just
swells with joy. I’ve spent my whole life watching her, observing, learning from
her choices. Why would I think motherhood would be any different? God knew what
I needed.
Canyon is her gift from God. Her blessing. I prayed for him
as fervently as I’ve prayed for anything. But in an indirect way, he’s my
blessing, too. I love being his Aunt Lala/Lulu (depending on who you ask!). I
love him deeply.
I’m not a gifts person. I’m not a words of affirmation
person, either. I’m a quality time person. It’s how I show love, and it’s how I
receive love. I cultivate relationships with time. That’s my thing. So after Canyon was born, I wanted to spend
as much time as I could with him—and when school started again, I wanted one
day—at least one—that I could spend with him. Come hell or high water, I don’t
care how much grading I have to do, Wednesdays are my day.
I know he won’t remember it. To him, it doesn’t matter if we
played games or if I held him while he slept. But it matters to me. I’ll
remember.
This last week, I cried almost the whole way to Lubbock to
pick him up. My heart was so full of joy as I prayed for him and for my sister
and for Jaime. And when, after his afternoon bottle, after he had exhausted
himself playing in his bouncer, after we had sung songs and made silly faces—when
he fell asleep on me for almost an hour, I cried some more.
God knew that I needed this experience. He knew I needed a
baby to hold. And while we wait for our own joy and blessing, I have this gift,
this sweet boy. And one day a week, I get to practice being a mom.
This year has been a precious time for Hal and me. And
although life hasn’t always turned out how I planned it, I have never felt more
fully the goodness and the faithfulness of God in this season of my life. I am grateful
for His timing, for His perfect plan, and I feel so blessed.
