Complementary Strengths

As I write this, the ACFW conference is only a few days away, and Laura is preparing pitches and finalizing one sheets. This is always an exciting time of year for us, with optimism and anticipation abounding. It also reminds me of our differences, though. I am not a brilliant writer, and frankly, I don’t want to be. But I’m so glad she has found this thing that she is both passionate about and very talented at. As her husband, I get to use my business and management talents and have the chance to help her network and make career turning decisions. That is very exciting for me! I’m thankful that we have different strengths and weaknesses so we can complement each other.

I can’t think of a single couple whose strengths and weaknesses even come close to aligning. We all have different things we are good and not good at. For a big part of our dating and then early marriage relationship, these opposing strengths and weaknesses really seemed to make our lives more difficult. We each had expectations of the other to do and think like we did. Guess what, folks?! We didn’t. I see this all the time in other relationships, and sometimes it evens tears them apart.

If you are reading this, have you recently thought this about your spouse: “Why would he/she say/do that?! It’s infuriating and makes no sense!” Well, your spouse is different from you. They see things differently, and they may just not be as good as you at certain things. For example, I have a terrible memory. If I’m going to remember something, I have to write it down. Laura remembers just about everything. It was really hard for her, for a long time, to understand how I could forget that we had this or that event coming up or that I needed to take care of this or that. Once she realized that remembering wasn’t my strength, and I realized that I needed to try to write things down more, we rarely argue about that issue. I have other strengths that she finds really helpful, and we balance each other out.

Looping back to ACFW, we are a team. Each of us has different talents and strengths that offset one another, and hopefully, someday, we'll get to see Laura share her incredible stories with the world. As her husband, that teamwork makes me very happy. So, if you find yourself bothered by your spouse’s differences, try teaming up by aligning your complementary strengths. I think you’ll like it much better.


~Howell

@G2WHubs

Who's Responsible?

Dr. Eggerichs ends the Love and Respect DVDs with an important final point: “My response is my responsibility.”

We are to love our spouse or respect our spouse, as unto the Lord, which means it’s not really about that person. It’s about my relationship with God and whether I’m going to be obedient to what He’s asked me to do.

What has He asked?

The message is real clear in Ephesians 5:33: Husbands, love your wives, and Wives, respect your husband.

It’s not easy—but it’s not rocket science. 

So this phrase, “My response is my responsibility,” reminds me I’m in control of my own action and not anyone else’s.

It makes me think of my favorite Danny Silk quote: “The only person I can control on a good day is me.”

Although in the heat of an argument, it’s so tempting to assert that our husbands are making us mad, or hurt, or whatever it is we’re feeling, the truth is, they’re not. We are choosing to feel the way we feel.

Even if your hubs is in the wrong, you’re still choosing your response.

So I’ve been thinking about this message—how great and wonderful it sounds and how very hard it is to practice—and I feel like the Lord showed me that this concept is deeply tied to our identity.

If I know who I am in Chris, then I am secure. I don’t have to defend myself, assert my position, compete, manipulate, or exasperate.

Whatever the circumstance—and really, this truth applies beyond marriage, if I am confident in my position as a child of God, as covered by His righteousness, as whole, complete, lacking nothing, then I’m free to not react or respond in any way except the one He’s called me to.

Regardless of how unloving an action or a statement might feel, if I’m certain of God’s love for me and if that’s enough, really enough, to satisfy me, then I’m not empty in that moment. I’m not in need of approval or affirmation.

And even if our husbands' actions don’t feel loving, we can, from that confidence in our identity, still choose to offer respect in response.

God has asked us to respect our husband, and when we do it, we’re honoring and obeying Him. So if it feels hard in those moments, when your man has stepped on your air hose, remember who God says you are, and remember how He feels about you!

My prayer, friends, is that we would come to a greater, richer understanding of who we are in Christ, that our identity would be rooted into the depths of our hearts. May we know how deep and far and wide His love is. Unfailing. Never ending. Unconditional. May we encounter Him, keeping our connection full.

Who's the Decision-Maker?

For my last Marriage Monday post, I talked about one of the greatest ways we can meet a man’s need to feel respected by his wife—when we appreciate his desire to work and achieve.

Many of us wives want to respect our husbands, but we might not know how. In Love and Respect, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs gives practical steps for ways that we can meet this need in our men.

So today, I want to focus on a couple more from Emerson’s list:

When we appreciate his desire to serve and lead
When we appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel

If the wife makes a lot of decisions (taking on the expression “she wears the pants in this family”), it might be that she’s not letting her husband lead.

BUT sometimes women don’t mean to become the decision-makers, and in reality, they don’t want that responsibility. Unfortunately, though, they feel like they aren't getting any decisions from their men. Instead they get a grunt or a shrug or a “whatever you think.”

And we've found that, despite their desire to serve and lead, to analyze and counsel—men react this way for a couple possible reasons.

First, they might feel like they’ve tried to make decisions in the past that have been vetoed by the wife and/or kids. It’s the cliché comedy line where the wife asks the husband what she should wear/do/say, and the husband tells her his opinion, to which the wife responds by doing the exact opposite of his suggestion.

Ladies, if this has been you (it’s been me before too), your husband is shrinking back because you’ve not made him feel respected. You’ve not appreciated his desire to be a decision-maker.

Second, our men are sometimes afraid of making the wrong decision—and perhaps have done so in the past, only to have it hurled back at them as failure. (Think: “I knew we shouldn’t have done what you said…”)

I know I’ve been guilty of both before, but you know what? His mercies are new every morning. A fresh start. Each day is new opportunity to change, to make better choices.

I’ve found over the last few years I’m capable of exerting self-control, even in the small things. If I ask Howell where he wants to eat or what he wants for dinner, and it’s not what I wanted—well, you know what? I asked him for his opinion, and I’m going to honor that.

When I ask him be the final decision-maker in areas small and big, he not only feels respected but he also grows in confidence to lead, and I shared with y'all in a recent post how grateful I was for Howell's leadership in 2017, a hard year of transition and change for us

The other thing I’ve learned is when he isn’t giving me an answer, if I’m getting an “I don’t know” or “I’m good either way” or “whatever you think,” I will tell him, “Babe, I need you to make this decision for me. It’s important, and I will honor whatever you think; I just need you to decide what’s best for us.”

When I say something along those lines, he knows he can trust my heart to not backfire his decision. And it puts me at a place of peace because I am taking the burden off of me and letting my husband do what God equipped him to do—serve and lead, analyze and counsel.

Friends, if this is an area of struggle, I encourage you to start small—and then watch how your husband shows love in return because you’ve filled his cup with respect.

Respect for Your Working Man

Howell and I are leading another Love and Respect Life Group this semester. My favorite video lesson is where Emerson gives women a glimpse into the ways men feel respected:

When we appreciate his desire to work and achieve 

When we appreciate his desire to protect and provide

When we appreciate his desire to serve and lead

When we appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel

When we appreciate his desire for shoulder to shoulder friendship

When we appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy 

  

I am a time person, and one of our biggest conflict areas early on in our marriage concerned time, especially if Howell was later than he said he would be.

For whatever reason—and not a justified one—it used to irk me so much if he said he’d be home at X time and instead came home at Y time.

We’ve since learned how to communicate through those scenarios (namely, I stopped having unreasonable expectations, and he learned to stop giving me a specific time—ha!).

But what I was thinking about recently, while watching the video, is how many opportunities I missed to tell him how grateful I was he worked so hard, how sorry I was he had to work late, or how proud of his work ethic I was.

I’ve heard so many wives over the years grumble because of the hours their husband works—and if you’re a quality time person (like me :)), it can feel like your husband isn’t loving you because he may not be speaking your language.

But friends, THAT IS A LIE. When your husband works, in his mind, he is doing it FOR YOU, for your family. It’s an act of service to him—an act of love.

While I’m not condoning workaholics, I am suggesting that instead of complaining about your husband’s hours or workload, tell him how much you appreciate the time he puts in to provide for your family. Even if he’s not the breadwinner, he needs to know his work and his efforts are valued because it’s in his nature, this desire to work and achieve, to protect and provide.

Your husband's greatest need isn't your love; his greatest need is for you to respect him. I encourage you to think through the list above and ask the Lord to show you ways you can meet this need in him.

As if unto the Lord

When I’m writing on marriage, I often talk about the conscious effort that must be put into it to have a great marriage. They don’t just happen. I always call this the best work, and it’s rewarding because I put the effort in, but so does Laura.

For some reading this, though, it feels like your efforts aren’t paying off. You’re doing the right things, you’re really trying, but your spouse just isn’t responding or putting the same effort in. You’re loving, respecting, and honoring, and they aren’t. It can be frustrating, and you might even feel that it isn’t worth it after a while. Let me tell you, though, it is worth it because it’s the right thing to do. We serve a big God, and He does work miracles. Sometimes, His timing is just different than our timing.

Ephesians 5 instructs both spouses in how to love and respect one another. It doesn’t say to do this if your spouse does that. In this passage, Paul instructs husbands to love wives as Christ loved the church and wives to respect husbands. These are ways to live, whether we see a response or not. However, I believe if you give it long enough, you’ll see a response. It may be small at first, but God will do a work through you to change your spouse. It doesn’t happen quickly every time, but where there is basic goodwill, change can happen.

Don’t you want to live every area of life as He has called us to? We read our bibles, and we try to live by the principles it teaches. Marriage is an area, like any other, where we can see a huge impact in our lives and the lives of our closest loved one by living out the principles taught by the Word. Marriage, as unto the Lord.

I encourage you who are feeling down, those of you who are honoring and loving your spouse, but haven’t seen those things reciprocated: Hang in there. Keep doing what is right. Keep loving, keep respecting. You got married for a reason, and you can still have a great marriage. I pray that God does a work in your marriage today!

~Howell

@G2WHubs

R E S P E C T!

R E S P E C T!

Did you know that the iconic tune sung by Aretha Franklin was actually written and originally performed by a man (with slightly revised lyrics)?

You’ve maybe heard that a man’s greatest need is respect. In fact, I recently heard this stated so strongly that the person suggested a husband doesn’t need his wife’s love; he doesn’t need her to buy books or go to conferences to find out more tips for “how to love her husband.” What he needs is her respect.

If you’ve heard of Dr. Emerson Eggerich’s book Love and Respect, the above may be familiar to you. Howell and I are leading a marriage life group this fall that focuses on the curriculum from that text. Although I’m not new to Eggerich’s ideas, the importance of these truths seems more profound to me than ever.

I can remember the first time I encountered Ephesians 5:33 as a college student who was (though single at the time) thinking realistically about what it would mean to be a wife someday.

The Amplified version of that verse gives a tall order for wives: “…and the wife [must see to it] that she respects and delights in her husband [that she notices him and prefers him and treats him with loving concern, treasuring him, honoring him, and holding him dear].”

Sometimes the idea that women should respect their husbands feels abstract to me—and I think, how do I actually do that?

We know what love looks like, right? Love is patient, kind, longsuffering, etc.

But what does respect look like?

I think the Amplified version gives us a good idea: Respect means to delight, prefer, care about, treasure, honor, and hold dear.

Howell and I have a little board that we write notes to each other on. We’ve done this for years, but recently (with the Love and Respect curriculum in mind), I’ve thought more about the content of my notes.

In the past, I’ve always just focused on sharing how much I LOVE Howell and what he means to me. But Emerson said that men want to be recognized for what they DO as an extension of who they are.

So, a few weeks ago, I wrote a note that said something like “You’re an incredibly hard worker. I am amazed at your work ethic—always going in early and staying late. I’m so proud of you.”

Do you know that he thanked me for my note probably fifty times?

To recognize his WORK, to recognize his accomplishment—that meant everything to him.

I encourage you, wives, honor your husband by meeting his greatest need: tell him not just that you love him, but how much you respect him, especially for what he DOES to provide for, protect, and lead you and your family.

I promise you he will respond in love!