Obeying the Call

Discovering God's Attributes

2012-01-25T09:15:00.001-06:00

Discovering God's Attributes
As far back as August, God has been revealing to me the need to seek and know Him. I might seem a little behind since I've been a Christian for 9 years (almost 10)! But this is a different journey than knowing about Him; it's about experiencing Him on a different level than I've ever experienced. It's not about reading in black and white that He is good; it's about tasting His goodness. And even on Monday, I told Him my heart's desire was to discover Him all over again.

So, I have asked Him to show me who He is, to remind me again of His character and His attributes. Part of this, I know He will reveal through Scripture, but part of this I desire to experience for myself. I want to know Him beyond mere knowledge.

This week, He lead me to a passage in Acts that is rich with His attributes. These 8 verses (Acts 17:24-31) tell us who God is:

God is creator
God is Lord over everything
God is boundless (He does not dwell in our man-made buildings)
God is in need of nothing (He is sufficiency)
God is author and determiner of our plan
God is near us
God is our life-support ("In Him, we live and move and have our being.")
God is our Daddy (We are his offspring)
God is not man-made nor is he contained in man-made artifacts (See #3)
God is judge

This list is, I'm sure, only the beginning, but I want to take these attributes and look at them individually, starting with God as Creator.

#1 - God is Creator
I think it's interesting that in this passage, this attribute appears first, for it is, in some ways, foundational to the Christian faith. We believe, by faith, that God created the world and everything in it, that it was not some random act but was by design. To believe that we are created beings separates us from atheists and agnostics.

Using Scripture, we might point to Genesis 1:1, "In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth." Or John 1:3, "All things were made through him, and without him, nothing was made that was made." I heard an apologist once say that the English word "made" that we use here is so weak compared to the full expression or meaning of "come into being" or "come into existence."

But for those who don't accept our Bible or believe it to be fully true, I say - look around! How can it be an accident that no two humans have the same DNA, the same internal make-up? We have 7 or 8 billion people on this planet; how could that be possible, except by intelligent design?

Long ago, scientists would say there was order and structure in science that accounts for the sense of perfection and symmetry we see in creation. Now, they want to say, it's chaos and random; it's unknowable and unpredictable. But what I hear them saying, what they describe are the attributes of God - perfect, ordered, yet unknowable and unpredictable. He expresses himself in nature.

So what does it mean that God is creator? It means He is creative, artistic, and attentive. He gives attention to every detail. It means He purposed us as beings and made us unique. As we've often heard, "We are fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139: 14). But ponder that. And lastly, it means He was not only careful in His creation, but He carefully attends to us with the same tenderness: "Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:26)

Today, let's not only experience God our creator - through the magnificence of His creation and the uniqueness of our beings - let's also hold fast to the assurance we have in Him as creator, that He cares for us, He watches over us, He sees our every need.

Living Life Fully

2012-01-23T08:55:00.000-06:00

Life is passing by, and I am missing it. I am not living. I don't live eucharisteo (see Ann Voskamp's book). I don't live life to the fullest. I just sit, resting on the bench, a passive participant.

I want to be a better.... everything. Someone who prays. Someone who lives by faith. Someone who follows through, who finishes what she began. Someone who commits. Someone with discipline and diligence. Someone who trusts. And risks. And leaps. And dreams. I want to live.

But to be honest, the task seems so daunting. And I think part of me doesn't know how to even begin. God told me almost a year ago, "When life gets hard, when you feel like I've not answered your prayers, that's when you press in the most. Speak truth and believe it!" But, as great as that sounds, it's also not so simple.

I know I need to press in, but how? I know I need to speak truth, but what? I read all these amazing books, and I think Yes! Yes, that's for me: a dare to live fully, right where I am; a dare to live by His extraordinary grace; a dare to break free from intimidation. But the sun comes up (often while my eyes are closed), and the sun goes down. And I am the same. I am unchanged. I am a hearer, only.

But I am learning... I am in control of the choices I make. I get to choose life or death. I get to choose faith or doubt. I get to choose grace or failure. I get to choose dreams or fear. I want to make good choices, to live by good habits, to develop a godly character, to live by the Holy Spirit.

And while I can control the choices I make, how I'm going to live or respond, some thing are outside my control. And, as Susan Bozarth said this weekend, I must learn to be content with my reality. Hal and I have been praying and hoping for some things in our life, but life is what it is. And God's timing is one of those things that is just simply out of my control. And I have to be content with that. I have to trust that He has the best plan, the best timing, the best future.

Oh Lord, that you would hear me, that you would see me: raw, vulnerable, real, open, honest. I do not like what I see, but you have made me new. You have redeemed me. I need to know that. And I need to know you. Just you. Not anything that you could do for me, but just who you are. I want to know who you are. I want to be in awe, in reverence, in holy fear of you. I want to know you. May that be what drives me, what motivates me, what gets me out of bed each morning with excitement. Just you. Who are you are. The gift of a new day. The chance to know you, to discover who you are.

** Live by faith. Live by grace. Live fully. You get to choose how you live today. **

Lessons for a Maturing Christian

2011-08-03T09:44:00.000-05:00

I've been reading Ephesians, and especially Ephesians 1, a lot lately. God just keeps placing it on my heart. This morning, he used verses 13 - 19 to teach me about where He wants me--vision and direction for a maturing Christian.

Ephesians 1: 13-19:

¹³ In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, ¹⁴ who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory. ¹⁵ Therefore I also, after I heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, ¹⁶ do not cease to give thanks for you, making mention of you in my prayers: ¹⁷ that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, ¹⁸ the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, ¹⁹ and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power

Paul has already described the salvation experience in verses 13 - 14 (that they trusted (believed) the word of truth, the gospel, and received the Holy Spirit). What he is describing in verses 15 - 19 is his hope, his prayer for them post-salvation. First, he prays that they have the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him. Since Paul has already described salvation knowledge--knowledge of the truth, the gospel of salvation (see vs. 14), he is obviously talking about a different revelation and knowledge here.

This knowledge is not just to know the truth, the gospel--but to know HIM; this is the beginning of a relationship with God.

Then Paul continues, now that your hearts have seen the truth of the gospel (your eyes being enlightened--vs. 18), I pray you'd know #1 the hope of your calling, #2 the riches of the glory of his inheritance, and #3 the exceeding greatness of power toward those who believe.

Paul's instructions for the mature (or maturing) Christian are that she would know God relationally, that she would know her purpose in life (the hope of her calling), that she would know her inheritance (in short, who she is in Christ), and that she would believe in His power that is able to work through her. I believe these four areas--first knowing, then believing--are the keys to living the fullness of life or what John Bevere calls the Extraordinary Life.

1. Know me
2. Know your calling
3. Know who you are
4. Believe in my power

This is essentially God's blue print for mature Christians. Unfortunately, most don't get past #1. Or, worse, some spirit-filled Christians just want to jump to #4 without working through one, two, or three. We cannot operate effectively with his power without first knowing him, knowing our calling, and knowing who we are in Him.

Calling Myself a Writer

2011-07-19T11:23:00.008-05:00

Last year, I decided to surrender my fears and finally start writing fiction--my heart's desire and (I believe) my calling in life. (Read "Snow and Other Updates".) So, with some accountability, I starting writing, planning, writing, editing, etc. I wrote about 20,000 words over 3 or 4 months. And then... I just stopped.

I won't review 2010 again or bring up why I quit, but the bottom line is, I just quit. And in doing so, I walked away from my calling. Early this year (inspired by John Bevere's Extraordinary Life), Hal and I both spent some time in prayer--asking God to use us, to reveal to us our calling in marriage, and to help us be a blessing and an example to others. I feel like God has been so faithful in answering our hearts desire and in placing encouraging people in our path. We don't exactly know what it means or looks like in the future--but we know and believe that He will give us an extraordinary marriage and that our marriage will be our ministry.

But in seeking vision for Hal and I as one, God showed me vision for myself too. Every time he spoke to me about my future or about vision, he kept repeating the same things:

"No dream has ever been to big for me. But you have to leap, you have to imagine, you have to trust.... Fear and insecurity immobilize your dreams" (February 10, 2011).

"...So dream big. Take risks. Ask for the impossible, and then sit in awe as I do it. I long to show you success. I long to amaze you with the things I would do for you. But you have to ask and not doubt. You have to leap and know that I will be waiting for you. You have to put your whole trust in me, unrestricted in any way" (February 24, 2011).

"...But to unlock the door to an extraordinary life, you have to tap into your passion, which is to write" (April 13, 2011).

I don't usually think of myself as a "slow" person, but it took nearly six months for me to start connecting the dots. Let's see, Lord, you want me to live an extraordinary life. You want me to leap, to risk, to dream, to trust. And you want me to tap into my passion. That seems pretty clear, huh?

So, this summer I've gotten serious about it again. My biggest excuse has always been time. But Lord, I just don't have time to write. Haven't you seen my schedule? I have to read, and study, and grade papers. When would I write? Then, I started listening (with Hal) to a podcast called Writing Excuses. It's fascinating (and usually funny)--but the biggest thing that jumped out to me was an episode about thinking of ourselves as writers, not as so-and-so who writes while also doing x, y, and z. They also made the comment that if time is an excuse, it just means you've given priority to something else, something that you've made more important than writing, something that's keeping you from being a writer instead of someone who writes.

It was like an "aha" moment for me. I believe (and have for some time) that God gifted me to write. But I don't call myself a writer. And because I've not made that a priority, I'm allowing other things to be more important that God's calling on my life. In short, it's disobedience.

So, after a long (but not-so-emotional) prayer time, I gave up those things that have become a priority over writing (namely, school, quals exam, etc.). I do trust in the Lord. I know that He holds my future and that it's a good future. Why, then, do I try to control my future instead of trusting in Him and trusting in what I know? And, in the end, I resolved to change my priorities, to be obedient to His calling, and to trust Him, whatever my future looks like.

That's where I am today. I started on my book again--and, in some ways, started over. I'm at 8,600 words. My goal is to write 60,000-75,000. This book may not be anything, it may not even be published. But I was struck by something John Bevere said in his Breaking Intimidation series. He said that he was not an over-night success, that he published 4 books before anyone wanted to read anything he had to say. But God had given him a charge--to write. And so he did. And when his writing didn't amount to much (at first), he just kept writing.

To me, that's where faith comes in. So, I'm writing this book. I think it's a pretty good story. I think it has some potential. But, whether it's successful or not, I will finish it. And I will write another.

Embracing Weakness

2011-06-09T14:00:00.002-05:00

I love the new song by Matthew West, “Strong Enough.” In the chorus, he says:

I know I’m not strong enough to be

Everything that I’m supposed to be

I give up

I’m not strong enough

Hands of mercy, won’t you cover me?

Lord right now, I’m asking you to be

Strong enough

For the both of us.

That’s how I feel today. Embracing my weakness. Knowing in my weakness, He is strong enough.

In 10 short weeks, I’ll be taking my quals test—a test that “qualifies” me to complete my dissertation. But I’m only 2/3 through my reading list. I still have to read 26 articles and 32 books—33 if you count the one in my lap right now…the one I’m not reading because I’m writing this. Every day, I feel like getting myself to read is more and more of a struggle. I’m excited about my dissertation project. I’m excited about my future. But it feels so far away…and mustering the strength to finish this hurdle so I can complete that hurdle is more difficult than I imagined.

Some days – like today – I just want to quit. I ask myself, do I really need a PhD? There are plenty of jobs I can take with a MA, plenty of teaching opportunities for me (aren’t there??). Some days – like today – I just want a baby. I want to be a mom. And I never want to read about research ethics or writing invention heuristics again.

Do you ever wish your life away? I wish that I was already finished with my PhD, that I already had a job secured (and could be making more than the lousy graduate student pay I make right now). I wish I were a teacher, a researcher, and a mom—already. And that, as such, I would already know it all works out. That it is possible to have all my heart desires.

Someday, I will be a teacher because that’s what He’s called me to be. And someday, I’ll be a mom too. But today, I’m a student who needs to read. And so, on days like these, I trust God to carry me. I trust Him to strengthen me. I trust that He holds my future in His hands—whatever that looks like. And I know that He makes all things beautiful, in His time (Ecc 3:11).

Lessons learned from our Biggest Loser competition

2011-05-06T12:53:00.001-05:00

Our biggest loser competition ended today, and I took first place! The prize was $350! I truly believe that winning was only by the grace of God. About halfway through the competition, I really thought I was out of the race. I didn’t think I could win. Michalea had taken first place, Erika in second, and I was in third. I kept struggling with temptation. I wasn’t eating horribly bad, but every week or so, I’d find myself getting something that I really shouldn’t.

If you don’t know, the reason I started this whole process (and asked my family to get involved to support me) is because my doctor told me if I would lose about 20 pounds, my arthritis would not affect me as badly as I’d be taking weight off my hips and back. The problem, though, is that despite the fact that I have gained about 30 pounds since Hal and I got married (only 3 short years ago!!), I am not a very disciplined eater. In high school, believe it or not, I was a size 4. In college, a steady size 4 or 6. I’ve always eaten whatever I wanted. Anyone who knows me also knows I’ve always been a huge “junk” eater. In the past, it never mattered. I played sports in high school and was very active (working out, swimming, intramural, etc.) in college. But, when I got married, it all caught up to me!

Win or lose, I knew these last three weeks would be instrumental in changing my heart and really changing my lifestyle. I asked God to teach me self-control, which was, essentially, admitting that I desperately needed to be taught how to control myself and resist temptation to continue bad habits. I know it’s easy now (because I won) to say it wouldn’t have mattered if I won or lost because I truly learned something—but it’s the truth.

I learned that I can sit with a bowl of chips and queso in front of me—and not eat a single chip. I can sit choose something healthy (or healthier) on the menu instead of getting something with 1000 calories! I can withstand temptation to eat ice cream, chocolate, or whatever “it” is, even when I really want it. I can learn to eat ONE serving and truly be FULL. And if I got to bed a little hungry or satisfied—but not stuffed, that’s just fine.

I’ve come to realize how much of my life revolved around food. I think, in part, this is because of the way I was raised or because of our cultural values. We celebrate with food. And in our family, we celebrate food. We love to make big meals for our get togethers—with a main dish and many, many sides, plus dessert, breads, etc. I don’t want to change what we do, because it’s so much a part of our tradition and because it’s important that we get together. But I don’t have to eat every meal like that!

The other thing I’ve learned is that exercising really doesn’t have to be dreadful. I don’t have to lift weights or kill myself running or come home miserable and so sore, I can’t sit on the toilet! Hal and I started walking about 4 to 4 ½ miles around our neighborhood four or five nights a week. For us, it was a great way to spend quality time, especially in this season when our quality time was much-needed. But walking, I believe, is a form of exercise that’s largely undervalued! I can walk, briskly, for about an hour (which is how long it would take us), and not be miserable the next day. This week, because it was our final week, I got up earlier to jog in the mornings too. Turns out, having walked 4 ½ miles for the last two months, running a mile and a half was a breeze. :)

So, obviously, now that the competition is over, I’m excited about enjoying myself for the next week, which means Rosas, Taco Villa, pizza, etc. But, I’m encouraged to know that this is going to be a real change for me. I’m so thankful to know that I don’t have to eat everything that’s offered. I don’t have to eat a whole bowl of chips and salsa before my meal comes. And I don’t have to eat everything I want to eat.

I still have about 10-15 more pounds I want to lose, so stay tuned for our Biggest Loser 2: May 16 – August 10. :)

March updates

2011-04-01T09:57:00.006-05:00

So, as usual, it's been a while since I've updated. I feel like this semester is flying by way too quickly! This was a good month, but I'll just touch on the highlights....

1) I lost 10 pounds this month! And not by doing any "fad diets!" Our family started doing the biggest loser on March 6 (mostly for me), so Hal and I have been eating better and taking walks every night (4 miles around the neighborhood!). This month, we walked 52 miles!! Since January, I've lost 15 pounds. It's still my goal to lose another 10 - 15 pounds over the next few months. I re-visit my doctor in May--the doctor who told me last fall that I needed to lose weight for my arthritis. I'm excited that I'll actually have some good news for him this time! lol! (P.S. I'm in first place for our competition! :))

2) This month I finally got my reading list approved for quals! Yippee!!! If you don't know, my next step for the PhD program is to take a qualifying exam. To take the exam, I have to read 100 books and articles (created by my committee and me), and then take the test. I started reading the first week of March. So far, I've read 12 books and 12 articles. I'm finding that I really need to balance reading and teaching. Sometimes I'm really good at doing one and really crappy at doing the other. I think this week was a little more balanced.....finally. The picture on the right is from last week.... I had to read 5 books to get caught up (from only reading 1 book over spring break). I told God, "Okay, your grace alone is going to empower me to do this!" I almost cried when I finished the last book by Saturday!! :)

3) This month has also been the month of baseball games. So far, we've been to a few games, but haven't seen Tech win... Somehow, we pick the wrong games to go to, or we're just bad luck! ha! But, we've had lots of fun hanging out with my sister and Shawny. Eating sunflower seeds. Watching the boys eat their nasty foot-long hot dogs with nacho cheese on it! And having a blast! :)

4) At the end of the month, we went to Fredericksburg. Mostly, we went to celebrate Hal's birthday, but I think we also both just wanted a break and some time alone. We had a great weekend. We stayed at a cute little cabin B&B. We had the whole place to ourselves, so it wasn't one of those awkward B&B things. It was so nice to spend a weekend just relaxing and enjoying some quality time! :) When we got back, Tomi made Hal a strawberry cake for his
birthday, so he got to celebrate again! ;)

Overall, I'd say it's been a good month! God is teaching me so much about self-control and restraint. I've never been a disciplined eater. I've never had to be. In high school and college, I was always thin. I ate whatever I wanted to, and it didn't matter. I could still fit into my size 4 jeans. But in the last few years, that privilege has disappeared--and I've gained almost 30 pounds since 2007. And so God is teaching me how to be smarter with my eating habits. I used to hate when people would say that-- I would always think, "Yeah right, you just want to be thin, and you're playing the God card." But I have actually come to realize how much lack of self-control I have when it comes to food and eating what I want. So, even though it's a physical lesson, it's a good practical lesson in terms of resisting temptation and trusting God in all things.

The other thing God is teaching me is the practical lessons of trusting Him. I've been reading Brennan Manning's Ruthless Trust. One of the things I realized this month was that Hal and I are pretty good at trusting God with the huge things that happen--like when our finances are not what we expected (i.e. $3,000 ER bill last year) or when God doesn't answer prayers like we think He will. But (at least for me) when it comes to trusting God with the day to day stuff, I really depend more on myself than Him. I didn't see stuff like a reading list or losing weight as things He really concerned Himself with. But the more personal God becomes to me, the more I see how much He wants control of every aspect of my life. I know that sounds elementary. Believe me, I've heard it my whole life. But I feel like now it's really beginning to click. That day-to-day surrender is a challenge, but so worth it. I see how much God's grace covers me for every part of my day.

Well, this longer than I thought my "quick update" would be. Thanks for reading. :)

Writings from the girl's retreat (Part 2)

2011-02-25T08:46:00.003-06:00

This is what I wrote Sunday morning....

That's what I want my life to look like

I am looking outside at the pine trees blowing in the wind. The wind swirls all around, and their branches ruffle, but the statue of the tree is tall, and their roots are deep. They may be moved by the wind, but only momentarily. They bounce back, neither broken nor bent.

That's what I want my life to look like.

In Psalm 1, it says that the man who delights in God's word , the man who meditates on it day and night, will be like a tree planted by deep rivers of water--a tree whose leaves do not whither, whose fruit is ripe and lush.

That's what I want my life to look like.

A few weeks ago, Hal and I were watching Anderson Cooper's 360 on CNN. He was talking about how president Mubarack had declared Egypt to be in a state of emergency (before Mubarack officially stepped down). And Anderson made the comment that Mubarack's declaration was so insane because Egypt had spent the last 30 years in a state of emergency. That night, as I was lying in bed I thought -- God, I don't want to live my life in a state of emergency. I don't want to live life in crisis-mode, where everything is a panic and stress, where uncertainty rules and fear flourishes.

The truth is that I trust in a God who is good. The truth is that I need not worry about life because God cares for me. I am his daughter, and he takes watch over my life. He holds my world, my heart, in the palm of his hand. The truth is that my God is faithful and that he's promised not to leave me or forsake me. So I don't have to fear. He's promised a spirit of love, power, and a sound mind. He's promised rest in my weariness, strength in my weakness. He's promised that He in me is greater than anything in the world.

I close my eyes, and I still see the pine trees blowing in the wind, their resilience, their tenacity dancing against the black backdrop of my eyelids. And I imagine that I am that tree, that resistant, flexible, sturdy tree--that though the winds blow, my trunk is sturdy and my roots are deeply rooted in the soil of God's truth, of God's promises. And with each gust, I may move slightly to the left or slightly to the right, but only to return again to my center, my core.

That's what I want my life to look like.

Writings from the girl's retreat (Part 1)

2011-02-21T10:23:00.002-06:00

This last weekend we had our Zoe girl's retreat in Ruidoso. And it could not have come at a better time for me. I needed a weekend to get away and be alone with God. And though I was surrounded by 19 girls, God spoke to my heart. Both mornings I woke up at 6:00 or 6:30, which never happens for me....But in the stillness of the morning, God was faithful to speak to me. I am excited about what He's doing in my life. And I'm excited about my future. I haven't written anything in months, and yet this weekend, God gave me so much to write about -- words that had been deep in my heart until now. I wanted to share a couple of them here on my blog. For now, I'll post the first one!

I Walk Ahead

The light breaks through the trees, touching softly on the rocks and bringing a glimmer, a sparkle to the dew on the grass. So, too, are you bringing light into dark places, into my heart. You reveal your truth to me in exchange for sweet surrender, in exchange for those parts of me tucked deep inside -- my biggest fears, my greatest hopes. With a flashlight, you shine light into my soul and gently slough off the cobwebs. And there, in secret, is my heart. Feeling the warmth of the light, the joy of sunshine, I surrender my heart to you. Slowly, gently, you take it in your hands. You stroke it softly before wrapping your fingers around it, enveloping it completely til there's only your hand, there's only you.

And like the rising dawn that breaks the darkness, that pierces the land, consuming every area in victory, your dawn of hope, of peace, fills me. Your dawn of rest and strength renews me. And I stand, refilled, Holy Spirit. I stand, reaffirmed. I stand, with purpose. You will move my feet, you will make the path. It's not about clarity, it's about risk. And I walk ahead, unafraid of the unknown path. Unafraid of the future. My heart has been surrendered, and with childlike faith in your unrestricted goodness and love, I walk ahead.

[Stay tuned for part two... :) ]

Reflecting on 2010

2010-12-30T10:32:00.006-06:00

I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve blogged anything. But, with the new year around the corner, I thought it would be a good time to reflect on 2010. If anything, I would say that 2010 was a hard year. But, that’s not to say it wasn’t a good year.

The spring is kind of a blur to me. I thoroughly enjoyed the classes I was taking. I felt like I was gaining useful information—for teaching, for editing, and for grant writing. I got to work on practical projects that were immediately relevant. But by March/April, my relationship with my boss turned sour. I’m still not sure what happened, and it seems like it shouldn’t be that big of a deal—I mean, I have plenty of other encouraging relationships in my life. My husband for one! But it was a big deal. I’ve known I’m a “performer” for some time, but if anything, this year was about seeing performance at its worst. And though it’ll likely be a struggle throughout my life, I think seeing my performance this year has given it a sour taste in my mouth.

I was thinking about each month in the last year. We traveled somewhere (even if not very far) at least once every month. From San Antonio and Ft. Davis to Dallas (several times), family reunion at Lake LBJ, and homecoming in San Angelo, we spent a lot of time in the car! Because our families are kinda spread out in Texas, we spend some time in the car around the holidays too. But I was thinking Monday, as we were making the 6 hour trek home from Killeen, how much I enjoy trips with Hal. Just the two of us. Sometimes we talk (seriously or not), but a lot of times we don’t. We might hold hands and listen to music (to which I often sing :)), but it’s so peaceful. It’s the best quality time we get sometimes.

Obviously, going to Guatemala in May/June was the big trip of the year. It came at a time when I was really down and struggling with work. God showed up so big on that trip, but I don’t think I’d processed it much until this month. He literally saved our lives at a moment when we were in real danger. He showed himself in a very real and tangible way on that trip. You would think, having experienced all of that, my faith would have grown, and I would have come to trust him to take care of anything. I wish I could say that it did.

But instead, I spent the rest of the summer feeling really beaten down. My boss and professor at the time had a way of making me feel really lousy and incompetent. I could not measure up in any way. I could not do “it” right, ever. And on top of that, she criticized my writing—which hurt most of all. Instead of running to the Lord, instead of finding my hope and confidence and my expectation in Him (as I know, deep down, I ought to), I kept looking at my “work” as a measure of myself. And, at the moment, I was falling very short—at least in one person’s opinion. When I failed a project in August, I seriously considered quitting the PhD program. Were it not for the graduate director, I might have.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have any days off between summer break and fall semester (though there should have been a good 10 or 12 days of rest in there). When I finally quit my job (the Friday before school started), I was preparing to teach—my first semester to teach two sections of 2311, intro to technical communication. My reading- and writing-intensive theory classes began the following week. And just like that, my crazy semester had begun. I was not prepared for it. Emotionally, I was discouraged. Spiritually, I was weak. Instead of running to the Lord with my hurts, I’d been to “busy” trying to get things in order.

Every hour of my day was filled. I read several hundred pages a week. I wrote several pages a week. I had projects. Research. Dissertation committee choices. Lesson plans. And above all—grading. In 15 weeks, I graded 2,334 pages of students' work—not counting quizzes, homeworks, etc. If anything, that gives a brief glimpse into the last four months of my year. But deep down, I was intensely struggling.

Of all semesters, this was the semester to take one class in particular that had a way of subtly denouncing Christianity in almost every class. We studied post-modernism, and I got to hear about why religion was socially constructed and a cultural phenomenon, why God was dead—as Nietzsche had put it. Nearly every day the professor had a way of squeezing politics into the classroom. Praising Obama for this or that, criticizing republicans for every (so-called) failure America has faced in the last few years. Praising Islamics despite the persecution they faced as minorities, but criticizing Christians for being intolerant. At the end of every class period, I was becoming less and less proud to call myself a Christian. It did not help that I had pushed myself very far away from God, becoming more prideful than ever and, especially, bitter over the way things had turned out that summer.

I was almost 6 weeks into the semester before I confessed to Hal how much I was truly struggling. It was the worst “Christian” thing to say out loud, and I knew it. But I was beginning to wonder—what if Christianity really is a socially-constructed thing? The Bible was written by men. Historically, we know things aren’t always recorded as they actually were. What if it’s all a big joke in the end, and everyone else is right? Crying at our kitchen table, I told him I needed proof that God was real (note: as if Guatemala wasn’t enough). And I needed to be able to defend Him because right now, I couldn’t even defend myself, much less what I believed in.

To those who are reading (and likely surprised), I don’t want to give the impression of complete disbelief. It wasn’t that far. The problem was I knew I had experienced God on a deep and personal level. He saved me. He walked me through forgiveness. He healed me. He restored me. But my emotional experiences wouldn’t stand up in “court” as a defense of anything. My real struggle was that I wanted to be able to “prove” that God existed, and I couldn’t find a solid, logical, reasonable argument to make—at a time when the counterarguments seemed pretty reasonable.

Hal, in his precious, patient way, said very little except that he understood, that he didn’t judge me (my biggest fear of all), and that he would be praying. And though I recognized the significance of it more and more in the weeks to come—Hal shared with me a passage God had given him to pray over me. At the time, he thought it was odd that God would tell him that. Once I shared my struggles, it made all the sense in the world. And in the weeks to come, I was humbled and in awe that God would care about me enough to whisper what I needed to hear to Hal—just to show me He was real. (The passage was 1 Corinthians 1: 18-25. Read it. You’ll see why it was the first step to answering my “prove it” question.)

And in response to God’s message for me—I had one thing to say. If you’re real, prove it. Deep in my heart, He quietly gave me my favorite verse of all time, the verse I had etched on my very first bible after I was saved: Jeremiah 29:13. God said to me: Seek me. I am confident you’ll find me. That was in September. I wish I could say I sought him all weekend, and by Sunday, I could laugh at myself for having ever doubted. But instead, I didn’t take much time to seek him at all. I had school. And work. And grading. When would I seek him?

Instead of being filled with His strength, the semester was draining. I was running on empty when the gas light had been on for quite some time. Going to church was so difficult. Not because I don’t love my church or the people there. If anything, that’s what kept me going. But I felt like such a hypocrite. I’m a Sunday-morning greeter and a college ministry leader—not someone who should be struggling with the basic foundation of my faith. I was as ashamed of my doubting as anything—not something I felt like confessing to even my closest friends or family. Apart from Hal and Erika, I tried to pretend things were “business as usual.” But deep down, I was miserable.

In October, I decided to read C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity. I’d never read it, had no clue what it was about, but felt like God had put it on my heart. I waited nearly a week to buy it. I’d try to read some of C.S. Lewis before, but I got bogged down in his complex sentence constructions and big words. What if it didn’t make sense to me? When I finally broke down and bought it at Barnes and Noble, I couldn’t put it down. I read almost half the book in one setting (it took a little longer to read the second half once the end of school business picked up). I soaked everything in—especially the logical way he structured his arguments, the way he used analogies to prove the existence of something and later the existence of God.

But the end of October, November, and first week of December are a blur. I regret to say that I spent weeks not seeking God at all. But He never stopped seeking me. And most importantly, He never stopped proving himself to me, even when I stopped asking him to. He met me again, in our office one morning as I’d just put the last few touches on one of my finals for class. I emailed the final to the professor, and sat back in my chair, stretching, thinking that I was more than halfway done with the “final” things to do for coursework. And that’s when it hit me. I was going to make it. There were moments in September and October that I literally didn’t think I would finish. Not for lack of effort, but for lack of hours in a day, days in a week, etc. With all the plates I had spinning, I genuinely wasn’t sure it would be finished on time. I’d considered seriously asking for an incomplete in more than one course. And here I was, almost done. The worst was over. I was coasting to the finished line.

For the first time in months, I cried. A lot. I hadn’t sought God for help, like I usually would at the busy time of the semester. Of all semesters, this semester seemed particularly wrong to do that. I’d spent most of the semester doubting him, then to make last minute “requests” seemed unfair. That wasn’t the relationship I wanted with him. And most importantly, that wasn’t who he was. He’s not a genie who fulfills “wishes.” I’ve recently started reading W.’s book, Decision Points, and one of his statements says this so perfectly: “The center of Christianity is not the self. It is Christ.” I realized that day, I was tired of having a relationship with God that was all about me and never about him. I don’t know when it got to be that way; it hadn’t always been so self-seeking.

But the point was I hadn’t asked God to help me—perhaps out of pride, perhaps for fear of selfishness. In either case, that morning I was overwhelmed to think that He had helped me. I knew better than to think that I had made it through the semester on my own. I hadn’t. Not for one second. And the beautiful thing was He had carried me, even when I didn’t know it. I remember jokingly saying a few months ago that if I could finish this semester, it would be a miracle. And there I was--about to finish. He had "proven" himself to me.

That day—in the middle of needing to finish my “lists”—I wrote out what I think is a fairly good argument for God’s existence, one that hopes to turn post-modernism on itself. I felt better after that. But the most important thing I learned that day seems so obvious now: I can’t prove God exists. If I could, believing in Him wouldn’t require faith. I thought about all the things God has brought me through in my lifetime (which, yes, is not that long). I thought about all the prayers He had answered. The times He had spoken to me. The times He had spoken to me for someone else, and been “right on.” And I decided—that was enough. Maybe it was more emotional than logical. Maybe it was more enthymemic than analytic logic. But it worked for me. For the first time in months, I was satisfied. God had proven himself faithful when I was unfaithful. And I had found him, even without much seeking, because He was there all along.

So, that is my year. A difficult year indeed. But looking back, it was so necessary for me to experience everything, to walk the tight line of faith and doubt, because for once I feel confident that I could defend my relationship with God. And, more importantly, I feel at peace knowing I don’t have to defend my God to anyone. He can defend himself. In the end, it comes down to choice. I’ve made my choice. I made it a long time ago. And now, having questioned it and tested it, I still choose Him. And I’m more thankful than ever that He chose me long ago.

If you made it to the end of this post—which I apologize, is quite long—then you’ve read one of the most open, vulnerable things I’ve ever written. I knew when I posted it that it was a raw picture of myself. But I felt the need to share it anyway. I’m not ashamed that I doubted anymore because God’s not ashamed of it either. And I hope that my 2010 journey will encourage others to question what they believe in, to really test it until you know it’s true, until you’re confident in it again. I encourage others to guard yourself with believers who will support you and pray for you. I know Hal and Erika’s prayers of protection allowed me to doubt without being swept away by the enemy. And I encourage you to pursue a relationship with God that’s two-sided again—a relationship where you can talk to him for an hour without making it about yourself for even one minute. That’s the direction I hope to be headed in as we begin a new year.

I want to close with another quote from W. that I read a couple days ago. To me, it’s a very powerful statement—especially that proving God cannot be the standard of our belief. Wow.

"If you haven't ever doubted, you haven't thought very hard about what you believe. Ultimately, faith is a walk - a journey toward greater understanding. It's not possible to prove that God exists, but that cannot be the standard for belief. After all, it's equally impossible to prove that He doesn't exist. In the end, whether you believe or don't believe, your position is based on faith."

When the going gets tough...

2010-07-14T15:48:00.010-05:00

God hasn't promised a smooth ride. In fact, from James 1, we gather that we should expect trials. James says "When you face trials...", not "If you face trials..." Put another way, I've heard my whole life to focus on WHO God is, not on WHAT He is doing. Or again, I've heard that circumstances will be up and down, but this doesn't mean your emotions or your relationship with God has to or should be up and down.

And yet, when they hit, it's so hard to focus on what you know to be true.

Prior to going to Guatemala, things were looking up for us. Really up. Extra income was flowing in; God more than provided for our trip. And God was doing some good things in our marriage as well. After Guatemala, we both suffered from still being stomach sick for two or three weeks, coupled with the stress of returning to work and lost vacation days... On top of that, the bill for my ER visit in February was slapped on us with a 30 day due date, and I did not get a paycheck July 1st (by error, not for lack of working in June...). Now, on July 14th, I've still not been paid and I'm told my Aug 1st paycheck may be delayed as well...

Nothing like a hit with finances to really sour your mood. And with terrible timing. Lack of finances only complicates other complicated decisions: should we try for a baby soon or wait til I finish school? should we buy a new (used) car or hold on to my paid-for, 11-year-old, 135,000-mile car? Even vacation plans for our anniversary this year are suddenly put on hold.

Not only am I struggling to stand firm and consistent with the Lord, but I'm struggling to keep my emotions (particularly frustration, lack of patience, etc.) under control. This morning I nearly lost it while dealing with our payroll staff, proving how truly terrible our little tongue can be...

But as always, I'm reminded that the choice is mine. And that's really what it comes down to... I once heard someone say that our stress and worry is really just a lack of faith: we don't believe God is big enough to take care of our problem. In addition, it's a pride issue: we think we can do it better, quicker, etc. than God.

So, stopping the craziness, moment-by-moment, I have to sit down and say, "God, I surrender my pride. I'm not big enough, but I believe you are. And I trust your word that not only do you never leave me, but you also never fail me. You're in control of this and of all things."

And this day, that's precisely what I choose to do.

Catching up...

2010-07-09T11:12:00.006-05:00

There are a million things I should be doing right now, but I'm not motivated to get any of them done. So, while avoiding work and reading other's blogs (that I haven't read in months!), I thought I would do a little updating. Since it's been forever, I'll just stick to the top 5 news stories. :)

1) Guatemala. We went to Guatemala at the end of May for 12 days. It was supposed to be for 10 days, but we got a little stuck (a story for another day). We got to do some incredible work for the Lord in a little town/village up north. I was so blessed by the way He used us and more importantly, blessed by the people I got to encounter. I was supposed to go and give away two weeks of my time in service, and instead I spent two weeks being filled with encouragement and love from others.

2) Summer Blues. I am taking one course this summer and working as Assistant Director of Composition (my job for the last 2 years) and Director of Composition Extended Studies (a new job that got "assimilated" into my job title. :)). I also picked up a side job editing dissertations for the graduate school. I'm so thankful for that job because they're paying me really well per hour! :) Believe it or not, this summer's actually been more demanding and time-consuming than last spring... I had to cut a few things out of my life in order to keep my sanity. :) But, work is work and the class is really important for the research I'll be doing for my dissertation. So, all-in-all, it's a necessary and relevant 3 months. :)

3) Ranch. We went to the ranch the weekend after we got back from Guatemala. For one, it was the only weekend for the entire summer that wasn't planned already! Good Grief! But, we also needed to help my dad with some stuff around the ranch. We spent an entire day fixing roads... It was some tough work, but I got to use a chain saw. :) P.S. Those are heavier than they look....

4) Zoe Leader's Retreat. We went on the Zoe leader's retreat at the end of June. It was really nice to be a part of that this year. We've been a part of Zoe for three years now, but we've always been on the outside looking in. It was fun to get to help plan events and toss ideas around. Being a part of Chapter 1 was a huge thing in both our lives in San Angelo, and it was nice to feel that way again. :)

5) Doctor's Order. So, last but not least-- I went to the doctor this week for my arthritis. For those who don't know, I've been diagnosed with a semi-rare form of arthritis since I was 17. I also have a tendency to skip out on my appointments... ;-) But, for the last month or so, I've been in a lot of pain (starting in Guatemala, actually). So, it was time to make some changes... My doctor changed my arthritis medicine, which I think is going to be a good thing. And he also gave me pain medicine, which I'm super excited about! So far, the medicine has made me sick, but I'm hoping to adjust soon! On a more depressing note, he also recommended that I lose some weight. I've gained quite a bit of weight since I last saw him (almost 2 years ago, right after Hal & I got married). And even though I wouldn't consider myself a "big girl," I know that taking a few pounds off will take some of the pressure off my back and hips, which are the worst areas where my arthritis is concerned.

So, I'm trying, for the first time in my life (seriously!) to eat healthy. I've never been a good eater, and in high school and college, I just stayed active and ate what I wanted. Now, that I'm getting older, my metabolism has changed, and it's time for a few adjustments. So, fruits and veggies--welcome to my life. :) I'll keep you updated on my progress...

To close: this weekend, we're going to Six Flags and a Ranger game--our one little vacation for the summer! I'm super excited about it, though. We even get to take our doggies (cause we're staying in a hotel that takes dogs). :) More to come on that event....

Everyday, I am more blessed by what God is doing in our lives. We've almost been married 2 years, we have a beautiful house, cars that run, and two dogs that are precious to us (well, Riley...sometimes....). :) It's not been easy. Circumstances are up and down. But God is good and faithful. He always has been!

Wise Words from Beth Moore

2010-03-17T10:39:00.002-05:00

I was very touched and convicted by something I read this morning, and I wanted to share it. In talking about the Crucifixion of Jesus, at which point he says, "It is finished," Beth Moore says,

"A few very important things were finished, all right. But the Lord Jesus was not one of them. It's strange, isn't it? The very thing He finished we can't seem to leave alone; and the very thing he hasn't finished, we try to halt. The work of Calvary is finished. No more payment for sin is necessary. He did it all by Himself on the Cross. We can't earn it. We can't add to it. It is finished. Yet, we try to add our good works to his Salvation.

However, the work He is doing on everyone who has accepted Christ as Savior is not finished. Salvation is finished. Sanctification is not. Completion is not. Philippians 1:6 promises that "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Yet we wish He'd stop picking on us the moment we're saved and let us be the boss. Like the Pharisees, we wish He'd stop interfering. Give this some consideration: sometimes more effort is required to keep rolling the stone back over the tomb than simply to cooperate with the work He seeks to finish in us.

Do we just want the cross without the resurrection? Are we trying to stuff the living, working Christ back into the tomb so He'll just save us and then let us alone? Or do we want to know 'the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings'?"

Lessons from Charlie

2010-03-12T11:59:00.007-06:00

So, this week I think I've learned a little lesson about how God, as parent, loves us, as children--from my precious little dog, Charlie.

A week ago, we took Charlie to the groomer, and they shaved his belly a little too close. He spent the weekend licking it and irritating it (despite our requests to leave it alone). By Monday, he had a full blown rash and skin irritation, making his belly as red as a cherry. We put a cone on his head and tried to do as many at-home remedies as possible: benadryl, cortizone cream, etc. Of course, he hated the cone and basically hated us for putting it on him. By Wednesday afternoon, after three sleepless nights with him stirring all night long, Hal came home from work to find that Charlie was out of his cone, happily licking himself. By the next morning, he had completely broken the cone, so that it didn't function to keep him from licking. So, Thursday morning, with his rash not getting any better, I finally took him to the vet. One hour later, with a new cone on his head and loaded up with medicine, he was back to giving me his "death" stares.

And all week, I've felt like the worst mother ever. And Hal keeps telling me, it's for his own good; he's fine--just wait til we have kids, and we have to give them medicine they hate or make them eat food they don't like. I knew he was right. Even the vet said that the groomer probably hadn't done anything wrong; the skin just had irritated Charlie, and he'd caused most of the pain himself.

It was at that point that I was thinking, you'd think Charlie would know better... And then it dawned on me--he doesn't. He has a pain and, in his mind, licking it is the best way to ease the pain he feels.

I thought about how, sadly, we are similar sometimes. We only see the pain or the hurt in front of us. We keep licking wounds of unforgiveness or bitterness, in an effort to hold onto our pride and self-righteousness. God continues to caution us to leave the wound alone, to let it heal--but we don't listen. And sometimes, he flat out puts a cone around our heads, so we can heal. We might hate it, and try to hide from him. (Note: Charlie spent about four hours Tuesday morning hiding from me, under the desk in the office.) Or, if we do recognize that its for our own good, sometimes the process of healing will cause us to run into walls; cones around our head might limit our vision or our ability to do the things we used to do or want to do. But God knows. He's watching every move we make. He's directing us, so we don't run into anything. And He sees what's in front of us.

And the best insight of all, I believe God grimaces a little deep inside when He sees the cones around our head. He hates that He has to do it to us because, in reality, He wants to give us everything we want. He hates to see us unhappy. But, the truth is, He knows it's for our good. We might think Him cruel and unfair, but really, He's just being a parent who loves us enough to put a cone on our head and let our wounds heal. And, for this season anyway, He's more concerned about our healing than our happiness.

The Favor of God

2010-03-09T10:29:00.002-06:00

I've been focusing on the favor of God--that I'm favored every day because I'm His. I have more than just anyone is this world. I have Him; His blood; His grace; His favor.

So, this morning, I sat down to finish the grant proposal I've been working on for COTR for the last six weeks. Two weeks ago, I hit a wall. The funder I'm requesting money from requires an audited statement, and the Dream Center does not have an audited statement (since it's so young). I contacted the funder to see if they would accept our most recent financial statement. I was given the run-around for over week--call this person, no call that person, etc. I was given numbers that didn't work and emails that said they were invalid. When I finally thought I had the right contact person, I sent another email. One week later, I've heard nothing. Last week, I made another phone call to this person. Still, didn't hear anything back.

At this point, I was really discouraged. Funders live and breathe by the requirements they set forth in their RFP. If they wanted an audited statement and if we don't have one, we're out. Given that I'd spent a month on this project, I didn't want to be "out." I didn't want to change funders, and I didn't want to re-write another proposal.

Yesterday, when I started working on the project, I knew that was a big hole in our proposal. We'd decided just to go for it, but I think, deep down, I wanted the assurance that all this hard work would at least have a shot at something. So, I asked the Lord for his favor. I declared it, actually, because I am blessed and highly favored of the Lord.

So, this morning, I sit down to finish the proposal (due Thursday). And I receive a text message from a friend that says, "You're highly favored today; be blessed with your profession/career." I smiled and sat the phone down and thought, "okay." Not ten minutes after I received that text message, I got an email reply from the funder saying they would accept our most recent financial statement, in light of our not having been audited.

I couldn't believe it. After no response for almost two weeks, I'd literally given up on the idea that I'd ever hear back. But God is good and faithful. And He does more than meet our expectations. He surprises us with favor and blessing. It could not have come at a more perfect time; I'm not sure last week I would have appreciated His gift. But today, not only do I see it as a special gift for me, but I also see it as His confirmation to me that He is listening. He didn't have to do it, but He chose to because He loves me and because I am His.

Today, I'm believing.

2010-03-08T10:20:00.003-06:00

Today, I'm believing. That's the declaration I made to God this morning. And it's the declaration I want to continue making. This weekend, Hal and I both were so encouraged by Joe McGee (Hal probably more so because he got to spend the whole weekend with him). In talking about the way that he and his family pray for God to move in their life, Joe really challenged us to have the same discipline and confidence in our own life. So, last night, Hal and I made a list of the areas in our life where we'd like to see God move. It's not a huge list, but as we sat and prayed together, I felt more encouraged and strengthened than I have in years. I'm always asking God for things, but I think I fall short of really believing for them. Not because I don't believe God can do it, but because I don't have the focus and the confidence to express, by faith, his promises and his Word.

Every day, I'm supposed to walk in the favor of God, but I don't. I'm supposed to believe in His blessing--that every day He wants to bless me--but I don't. I miss it. I get caught up in work and school and the day-to-day routine. When God first saved me, I was so hungry for his Word. I memorized it, I carried it with me everywhere I went, and I meditated on it all day long. I don't do that anymore. In my comfort and complacency, I leave God next to my journal and my bible, where I sit to pray in the mornings. I might talk to Him throughout the day--asking for His help, praying for a friend. But that's different than believing. And it's certainly different than declaring.

Believing and declaring mean that I have God's word hidden in my heart. That all day long, I meditate on His word--like Proverbs 3:5-6 or Phil 4:6-7, both of which remind me to rest under His sovereignty. I should focus on Eph 1 and Romans 8, which declare that not only has He redeemed me, but I am His. As I give of time and money, I should remember that I can't outgive God (Luke 6:38). And regardless of what I'm doing in the day, I should remember that I do it all for Him (Col 3:23). Excellence and perserverence are noble, but they are all the more soured if my motivation is to please man. Hard-work and determination are worthy, but all the more useless if I'm driven by pride. But learning to walk in humility, learning to work before an audience of One--that is worth meditating on.

So, today I'm believing.

The Challenges We Face

2010-03-03T10:04:00.004-06:00

It's crazy how when you step out in faith to do something, you're suddenly faced with challenges. Sometimes we say it's Satan attacking our decision; sometimes we say we're being tested and refined. I'm not sure what this falls under, but let's just say this--Hal and I made a decision to step out in faith, and we're certainly facing challenges. :)

About three weeks ago, we made the decision to go to Guatemala for a mission trip with COTR this summer. The cost to go is $3000, and Paige told us to be prepared to pay about 1/3 of that amount, even if we raise support. At the time, we thought that's not so bad. We could do that... Then I got sick--spent $200 in prescriptions and doctor visits, followed by an even more expensive trip to the ER.

A week ago, we paid our $100 deposit for the trip. And 5 days later, we received our ER bill.

At first, I was really discouraged. The bill was more than we thought it would be; the insurance didn't pay what we figured they would. I wrestled with the Lord, asking "why does it always have to be about money? When will we ever be past these tests?" The frustration then turned to "why do we never have more? Where is our blessing--after all that we've sown for your Kingdom?"

When I finished complaining and doubting, the Lord gently reminded me that He is more than enough and in fact, has always given us just what we need. We don't need more. We can't handle more--not yet. Right now, in this season, He's teaching us to live off daily Manna from Him. When I reread that passage in Exodus, I kept going back to how the Manna would rot the next day--as the Israelites tried to store it and save it for later. What God wanted to teach them was daily dependence. And He wants to teach me the same thing.

So, with faith and confidence in Him, I am believing that He will provide the money for our ER bill and that He will provide the money for Guatemala. Because MY GOD is a good and faithful God.

For Hal

2010-01-11T14:11:00.004-06:00

To begin-- I don't write this as a "marriage on display" entry, but as a moment to share my heart.

Last night, at 1 a.m., I went to bed crying. Not because I was sad, but because I was overwhelmed with how much I love Hal. Maybe it was because it was late, and I'd been reading Nicholas Sparks' new book, and, as usual, someone was probably soon to die. I put the book down before it got too sad, and turned the light out. Hal, in his half-awakened state, snuggled close to me, putting his arm around me and entwining our hands under the pillow--the usual way we fall asleep. And laying there, I just started to cry. Not only am I safe with him, but I realize, as I've often realized before, how very blessed I am that God would give me such a precious gift. He is the most incredible husband, and when I see and talk to other wives, I know I'm blessed, I know our marriage is a rare gift, and I know that God has shown us favor, despite our imperfections. Few husbands help put up Christmas decorations and clean the house on Saturday afternoon, when they could be watching football or basketball. Few husbands load the dishwasher and remember to unload it a few hours later. Few husbands never grumble about taking out the trash, putting up the laundry, or going to the grocery store. And few husbands are both as strong and as tender as Hal is.

And laying there, crying, I thought of how horrible I treated him when we met, when we first dated, when I was so wounded and selfish. I thought about the journey we've been on, the journey I've been on for the last three years--learning what it means to love someone else, to put their desires and needs first, to be compassionate and considerate. Certainly, I'm no where close to "there," but I'm thankful for all that Hal has taught me. His patience. His grace. His understanding.

And laying there, crying, I begged God that He would give us many years together, that he would never remove his blessing and favor from our lives, and that the love I feel for him now would only grow stronger over the years. Maybe it's dumb that a Nicholas Sparks book, or movie I recently saw, would be the reminders that life is short, that he could be gone tomorrow--but if that's what it takes for God to get my attention, to remind me how blessed I am as a wife, then I will hold onto that. Because I am blessed-- after 1 year and almost 6 months of marriage, I'm still incredibly in love with my husband, and I am recognizing how very much I have to be thankful for the man that God gave me.

Snow & Other Updates

2009-12-24T09:29:00.008-06:00

It snowed today, so I can't begin this post without a few pictures/videos. :)

Riley and Charlie had a blast playing in it. I got a little cold, though. We might try again later. :)

In other news...I've decided to write a book. If you don't know me very well, that probably sounds lofty--and crazy. But, all my life I've wanted to write Christian fiction. And when I was in high school, shortly after I was saved, I felt strongly called to write--fiction included. I've done a lot of writing in my lifetime, but beyond a couple published short stories, I've not really followed through with my calling. I believe strongly that God has gifted me to write--and it's the only area in which I'm actually creative. For years, my family and friends (and now my husband) have been asking me when I was going to write a book. For me, not only was I afraid of the task, but I think I was intimidated by my young age. I always thought (and would say), "I will! Someday..." like writing a book has an age requirement to it--and I haven't reached that requirement yet.

But, as weird as it sounds, I watched Julie & Julia a couple weeks ago, and I was so inspired. I told Hal afterwards, "That makes me want to write." And he said--"You should!" I sort of laughed it off and tried to blow it off a few days later, but the Lord kept putting it on my heart. I need to write (He's already given me so many ideas that just float in my head), and I need a goal.

Yesterday I spent three hours at Starbucks with my journal. Not only did I spend time in prayer about what to write, but I wrote down every idea for a book I'd ever had--in detail. And I gave myself a goal-- six months. It doesn't have to be perfect by June 23, but if I'll at least get a first draft completed in six months, then I have something to work with.

So, that's my goal--and my news. I really feel like it's time that I step out in faith and do this. If you know me well, you know this won't be an easy task. I'm my worst critic--and the last to discipline myself to follow through with my writing. May it be six months of God's favor and blessing. May it be six months of His teaching and learning. May it be six months of discipline and perseverance. And though I may feel tested and weary, I believe He will be faithful to see me through.

Faithful in the Battles

2009-10-07T09:53:00.008-05:00

I've been reading through Deuteronomy, and the shortened version of the Israelite's' story. Already, the Lord has made so many applications relevant in my own life. In Chapter 2, the Lord raises up a new generation to begin moving in the direction of the Promised Land. The first step in that direction is a battle. If you read in verses 30-31, it states that God hardened the king's heart, causing the battle. It's possible that the Israelites could have peaceably passed through, or that the King of Sihon would have just let them pass, as the kings did in Seir and Ar. But God needed to begin to lay a foundation of faith in their hearts that 1) There will be many battles, and 2) that God will fight for them. Of course, the older generation knew this from Egypt--but God was laying a new foundation of faith in these Israelites' hearts that wasn't just about what He did then, but what He could do now.

Sometimes God makes the path more difficult and causes a battle, in order to show us a greater victory.

In Chapter 3, God builds on their victory in Sihon to fight a greater battle: not just a city, but an entire Kingdom--Bashan. Sihon was baby steps of faith building to a greater battle, just as Bashan will be baby steps to the greater batle that is Jerricho and beyond into the Promised Land. And each step along the way, God reminds them gently, "Remember, I fight for you." In Chapter 4, Moses pauses to remind them to keep these works of God hidden in their hearts, that they don't forget what He's done and depart from Him. Though Moses predicts that the Israelites will one day disobey and forget--and be scattered--God, in his mercy, will take them back when they begin to seek Him again.

In my own life, I think about all the mini financial battles the Lord has brought us through this year--just to show that He fights for us, and He is faithful. In January, we thought we'd owe $1500 from Hal's wreck, but God took care of it. In February, we unexpectedly owed $1600. And God provided. In March, I went to Pennsylvania, which costs us another $1500 in flights and hotels. But God provided again. All the while, we were trying to save money to buy a house--yet these expenses we hadn't anticipated kept coming up.

But in May, God had doubled our savings, in a way we can't explain--just to say that He did it.

In June, we found a house, whose closing costs we would not have enough to pay for. And we prayed, and God provided a way. In July, we moved--and all the extra money we thought we'd put into savings that month was nearly spent on other factors--visits to family nearly every weekend and purchases for the house. In August, we thought we were ready to finally start saving again, when we received heart-breaking news--the greatest test of all--that we owed $6000 to Hal's company (they'd been taking the wrong amount out of his checks), and that we'd be losing nearly half his paycheck each month.

We cried out to the Lord and told Him we weren't prepared. We panicked and worried about how we'd make it. We tried to "fix it" ourselves, by taking me off Hal's insurance to cut out $500/mo in expenses. But God had a plan and a purpose. And in September, He provided the money we needed--yes, all $6000. And He put me back on Hal's insurance, despite the strain it will place on our budget, because He wanted to be the one who fights our battles.

And even though this month, Hal will only receive 1/3 of his paycheck, to cover these insurance costs, God has already caused our bank accounts to be filled and our needs to be met. You see, when we are faithful to tithe and to give above the tithe to ministries He puts in our heart, to the point that we begin to say, "God it's not our money, but yours," He is faithful to return to us tenfold what we need. Like the Israelites, God used this whole year--nearly 10 months now--to bring us into a new battle.

And each time, He showed us, "It is I who fight for you."

Hanging on

2009-09-25T08:51:00.004-05:00

It has been over a month since I last posted. And I don't think I have the words to describe the up-and-down of the last month.

Have you ever been tested, to the core of you? And you REALLY believed God for something...and you prayed and trusted and waited and prayed... And then, it didn't happen. The thing you truly needed. What you believed God would work out and take care of--He didn't. Ever been that disappointed? At first, I think I was stuck. I couldn't believe that God really hadn't answered my prayer. I'd been so sure He would. And of course, I'm surrounded by the "right answers" for the appropriate situation-- God knows best, God works all things for our good, He has the bigger picture in mind, He is sovereign, etc.

Deep down, of course, I believe all this. His goodness and faithfulness are at the core of my foundation. They are what keep me trusting. Yesterday, I feel like Hal and I traded one trial for another. God sort of answered our prayer, but only to raise another problem.

I don't know what God is doing, and I don't see the bigger picture. But every morning, for the last 6 weeks, I've continued to run to Him. I take all my pain, my confusion, my doubt, and my frustration--and I lay it at His feet. I know that we are weary, but I hold onto the promises He gave me almost 10 years ago: "Do not grow weary in doing good, for at the right time, you will reap a harvest, if you do not give up" (Galatians 6:9) and "In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ" (1 Peter 1:6-7).

Ephesians 1 & 2 --Part 2

2009-08-20T10:16:00.006-05:00

To read Part 1, go here.

To clarify, some Christians have taken the view that God's story is somehow their story and that the cross is all about them, and for them. Let us be certain that we are mere participants in God's story. Some might say God needed a relationship with us; others on a different extreme have twisted God's love as the motivation to be about them somehow...

So let's be clear: the cross and the mystery of his will were "to the praise of his glory" (Eph 1:11). Or to be even more exact, scripture says, "But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ--by grace you have been saved--and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, SO THAT in the ages to come he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus" (Eph 2:4-7).

Everything about the cross and God's story should point to his grace and love and glory. If it was "for us," it was only in the most undeserved way, as we were dead in sin and he made us alive! We've all read "by grace...through faith." But let's not forget the part that reads "and this is not your own doing; it's the gift of God...so that no one may boast" (Eph 2:8-9).

With the right perspective of God's story, we can begin to do that which he desires, that which he has given us the authority to do: "For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, for good works, which he prepared beforehand that we should walk in them" (Eph 2:10). Post-salvation is not about waiting til we reach our mansion in the sky. It's about letting Jesus sanctify his bride--doing everything he can to conform us to his image is his desire. So when it says we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, it's talking about our re-birth--our new man, brought to maturity through sanctification and the washing of the word. That new man is now ready to do God's work, his will, on earth.

The bride of Christ is sleeping and unprepared. We've not let our bridegroom sanctify us, and we're not doing the works that he asked. In fact, we hardly look like Jesus at all. We think "it's too hard; I'm too sinful," and in our laziness, we fail to bring the kingdom on earth. We fail to do what we've been given authority to do. We fail to walk in the plans that have already been laid out for us.

Do we not believe in the power of Jesus? Do we not believe that we've been given the same power? (Eph 1:19-23) Do we not understand our inheritance? The seal of the Holy Spirit? (Eph 1:13-19) Or do we not grasp the riches of grace lavished upon us, undeservedly? The great love that points to the glory of God in his redeeming will....

We must let our bridegroom renew our minds from what we know. We need to be washed with his word. Oh that he would begin to sanctify his bride... Oh that she would let him... and that we would begin to walk in his purpose for us here.

Eph 1 & 2 --Part 1

2009-08-18T13:47:00.008-05:00

God's love for us is so evident in his redeeming story that he created. His heart from the beginning was to be in relationship with his creation. When he created Adam and Eve, he had the purest relationship with them. They spent their days together in the garden.

But God's love is not forced to be reciprocated. It never has been. He created us to respond to him, but we have the freedom to choose. And so, Adam and Eve chose to sin. They chose to do so because they were allowed to rebel. Thus, sin entered the world.

But God's love is so immeasurable and everlasting. And he never gave up on his creation. So, he created a way to restore the relationship again. He sent his son to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins, to bridge the gap once and for all between us and God. The cross speaks of his grace and mercy on our sins, but the greater purpose was motivated by love--his love that wants a relationship with us, as pure and unadulterated as what he had with Adam and Eve in the garden.

But there is this idea that this "relationship" won't exist until heaven. That we're just hanging out here on earth, doing the best we can, despite ourselves, until that glorious day when we'll all fly away.

We are a body of believers no better than the sleeping virgins who weren't ready when the bridegroom came. In Ephesians 5:25-27, Paul writes, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish." Do you think God expects the Church to be holy and without blemish after Jesus returns? Absolutely not! This is clearly about Jesus' heart for his bride, for what he wants to see her look like now: sanctified, cleaned through the word, holy, blameless.

The process of sanctification is like the process of refinement--maybe testing and trials; life will feel heated, but God is shaping you, purifying you, making you holy and set apart.

In Ephesians 1, we're told that we've been blessed with every blessing in heavenly places. And again, we see the sovereignty of the God--who knew his plan from before time, that he would bring restoration to us. It was according to his will that we are accepted in the beloved, that we are redeemed and forgiven. In verse 9, it says that the mystery of his will was revealed--that mystery being his purpose through Christ to "united all things in him, thing in heaven and things on earth."

So we see that the redemption and restoration of all things to himself was not only for eternity. It was for right now. It was for the relationship that God desired to have with his creation. And it was for the sanctification of us as a body, as a bride.

Go to Part 2.

A Lesson in Imitation

2009-08-12T11:45:00.006-05:00

Ephesians 5: 1 & 2

Verses one and two give us instruction on how we are to walk as Christians. Paul begins the chapter with two commands:

1) Be imitators of God
2) Walk in love

While these seem overwhelming at times, notice the way in which Paul presented them--both as behaviors modeled to us. In verse one, he reminds us that we are beloved children of God. Often, children pick up their parents mannerisms just by being in the same house with them. My mom and I haven't lived in the same house for almost ten years, and yet when we're together, I laugh at how much I already act like her. Paul is evoking the same natural reaction here. As children of God, we ought to act like God.

The second command, to walk in love, is also a modeled behavior for us. He tells us that we're to love others with the same love that we've been shown. If ever there was a perfect model for love or a perfect reminder of what love looks like--it's Jesus at the cross; it's his sacrifice for our sins; it's giving himself in order to give us a relationship with God again. Paul is reminding us that we've already been modeled the best behavior of love, and we've been loved with an everlasting love, despite our undeservedness. Therefore, we ought to know how to walk in love, as Christ did, because we have the perfect reminder of love living inside us.

I think the "catch" is that to really imitate someone, you have to know them. Not just on the outside, but from the inside. You have to know what they are like, how they move, what they would do in a given situation, how they respond to adversity and success. You have to know their heart. And you can't know God without having an intimate relationship with Him. I believe the same is true for modeling Christ's love. When you fully experience the fullness of Christ's love and sacrifice, then it becomes an outward response and expression to others. You begin to walk humbly, knowing the gift you've been given, and you walk with grace because of His grace toward you. If you only know Jesus' love in part, or through logic, or just as facts of salvation, you'll never be able to effectively respond to Him or to others in love. Modeling Chris's love, as Paul commands here, is a learned behavior, developed from a revelation of who Jesus is and how much He loves you. Only with that hidden in our hearts can we take the first steps of walking in love.

One Year!

2009-08-07T13:43:00.003-05:00

Hal and I celebrated our one-year anniversary last weekend. This week has been crazy (my last week of summer school), but I wanted to post pictures from our trip. We went to Dallas Friday night and stayed through Sunday. During the day on Saturday, we went to the Dallas Arboretum. It was amazing! Kind of humid and sticky, but the plants and flowers were so beautiful. Hal really gets into landscaping stuff, so we had a great time trying to go around a guess the names of trees and plants. :) Plus, we got some ideas for our own house...
I thought this looked so peaceful...

For dinner on Saturday, we went to PF Chang's. Yeah for lettuce wraps!! :) And afterwards, we went to see The Proposal.

Sunday was our official anniversary day. I can't believe it's been a year already. It seems like it went so fast. We sat down Sunday night and made a list of our favorite memories from the year. I was overwhelmed by the Lord's goodness as we shared stories and reminded each other of fun dates and even just nights that weren't planned, but ended up being so special for us. I am so blessed to be married to him, and I know I tell God that all the time, but I think remembering MY blessing is so essential. This year hasn't always been easy; we've faced trials in our marriage, but we have grown a lot too. And I think with every trial we face, we became stronger because we determined to stick through anything together, not separated! I know we will always be tested, and certainly it's Satan's chief desire to drive a wedge between us, but days like Sunday, days when we remember how much fun we have, how much we love each other and how special our marriage is, are encouraging to me and give me confidence that God will always sustain us.

It has been a good year. God has been more than faithful to us. He has taught us to trust Him with our hearts, with our lives, and with everything we own. He continues to teach us how to love and serve each other, and what becoming "one" looks like. I look forward to many more years with my wonderful, wonderful blessing!

John Piper Video

2009-07-30T10:39:00.013-05:00

I wanted to share John Piper's YouTube video: "No, Mr. President." It's a little outdated now, but I find the message to be incredibly powerful even still.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O68MByaMVdM

Seek First

2009-07-28T11:05:00.009-05:00

Some thoughts on money and needs from Matthew 5-7:

1) Make sure your focus is on Heavenly things

Store up treasures in Heaven (6:19-21)
Serve God, not money (6:21)
Seek His Kingdom, His righteousness (6:33)

2) Ask God to provide for your needs

Ask, seek, knock (7:7-11)

Matthew 6:33

Jesus tells us that we aren't to be anxious about anything in this life, but certainly not when it comes to meeting our financial needs. Not only does worrying not add an hour to our life (6:27), but it also displays a lack of trust in the One who feeds the birds of the air and clothes the grass of the fields. Thus, Jesus ends his mini-sermon on being anxious with the command to "Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you." (6:33)

When I was younger, I remember taking this verse to mean "Seek God," and in some ways, that's pretty close. But having really focused on kingdom principles lately in studying the gospels, Jesus is actually giving two commands:

1) Seek the Kingdom of God

2) Seek His righteousness

The first, I believe, is related not just to seeking "God in Heaven." The Kingdom is now; the Kingdom is here. We are in His Kingdom, with a purpose. I believe that is part one of what we seek--our calling, our place in His Kingdom. How can I serve? How I can I be a witness to those outside the Kingdom? Or, to use the word Jesus had just spoken, seeking the Kingdom of God is simply stating, "Your Kingdom come [here, in this place you've given me to rule], your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven" (6:10). It means not focusing on your problem at all, but focusing on eternal things, focusing on how you can be used, and focusing on how you can be selfless and loving toward others.

The second part, then, goes all the way back to chapter five--righteous living: His righteousness. Jesus gives a new law in these three chapters that steps up the standard. If it seems hopeless and discouraging that we could be righteous, it's not. It may seem impossible, from our limited view, to think that we can be useful in His Kingdom or that we can be selfless and loving toward others--as He has commanded us--but we can. That's another blessing, another gracious act, that Jesus delivered on the cross: "For our sake, He made Him to be sin, who knew no sin, that in Him we might become the righteousness of God" (1 Cor 5:21).

In seeking the Kingdom of God and in pursuing His righteousness, Jesus promises our needs will be met. But, as we saw from psalm 62, the trust and hope that we must place in Him as our source of security is absolutely necessary.

Psalm 62

2009-07-27T11:28:00.007-05:00

I was meditating on Psalm 62, and as my heart this morning was a little overwhelmed with things to do and bills to pay, the Lord just reminded me of who He is and how securely I can trust in Him for all things. I thought I'd share for anyone who also needs to be reminded today...

Psalm 62

1 Truly my soul silently waits for God;
From Him comes my salvation.
2 He only is 1 my rock and 2 my salvation;
He is 3 my defense;
I shall not be greatly moved.

3 How long will you attack a man?
You shall be slain, all of you,
Like a leaning wall and a tottering fence.
4 They only consult to cast him down from his high position;
They delight in lies;
They bless with their mouth,
But they curse inwardly. Selah

5 My soul, wait silently for God alone,
For 4 my expectation is from Him.
6 He only is my rock and my salvation;
He is my defense;
I shall not be moved.
7 In God is my salvation and 5 my glory;
The rock of 6 my strength,
And 7 my refuge, is in God.

8 Trust in Him at all times, you people;
Pour out your heart before Him;
God is a refuge for us.

9 Surely men of low degree are a vapor,
Men of high degree are a lie;
If they are weighed on the scales,
They are altogether lighter than vapor.
10 Do not trust in oppression,
Nor vainly hope in robbery;
If riches increase,
Do not set your heart on them.

11 God has spoken once,
Twice I have heard this:
That power belongs to God.
12 Also to You, O Lord, belongs mercy;
For You render to each one according to his work.

HE IS…

1. My Rock: Figuratively—someone who is strong, stable and dependable.

2. My Salvation: Hebrew meaning—help, deliverance, victory. In the abstract sense it is something [already] saved or delivered.

3. My Stronghold: Literally—fortified place or fortress; place of survival or refuge. A defense.

4. My Expectation: Hope—to have confidence or trust in something with the expectation of its fulfillment.

5. My Glory: Hebrew meaning—weight, honor, esteem, glory, majesty, abundance, wealth. Poetically it refers to a soul or a person.

6. My Strength: The power to resist strain or stress; durability. The state, property, or quality of being strong. The power to resist attack; impregnability.

7. My Refuge: Literally—protection or shelter in times of hardship, a source of help, relief, or comfort in times of trouble.

Therefore I will…

Trust: Hebrew meaning—to attach oneself, to trust, to confide in, to feel safe, to be confident, to be secure, to be careless. The word expresses firmness and solidity. The folly of relying upon another type of security is strongly contrasted with depending on God alone. This type of hope is a confident expectation, not a constant anxiety.

Pour out: Hebrew meaning—to spill forth, to pour out, to shed. Metaphorically, it means to bare one’s soul, i.e. in tears and complaints. This word is used to describe the helpless condition of the psalmist.

My heart: Hebrew meaning—literally in noun form, it is the heart, the center or middle of something, meaning the physical heart, the blood-pumping organ. However, in the bible, the whole spectrum of the human emotions is attributed to the heart.

My gracious father, once again I have neglected to remember who you are and who I am in you. You are my rock. You never change father. You are constant and dependable. You will not fail me. Your promises are true. You are stable. You are my salvation. I am depraved apart from you. I was in need of a savior, and you saved me. You are my help. You have delivered me. You are my defense. You are my stronghold—my refuge in time of need. You are the place that I can run to—my shelter. You are my glory. This means that you are my esteem, my honor, my wealth, my abundance, my happiness—you are, Jesus, my soul. All of me! You are my strength. “The rock of my strength.” You give me the ability to restrain, the ability to resist strain or stress, and the power to resist attack. And because you are my rock, and the rock of my strength, this strength is dependable; it is a constant source. You are my refuge—my source of help, relief, aid and comfort. You are my protection—my shelter. I am reminded of Colossians 2:10 “You are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power.” You complete me father, nothing else in this world. You are better. “To live is Christ and to die is gain.” You are all these things and more. Your very character and nature is indescribable…there are not words enough to cover your attributes. I will meditate on who the word says you are when I am at a loss. And I am reminded that you demand preeminence in my life. You are to be first, “for the Spirit who dwells in us yearns jealously.” (James 4:5). But so often I fail you Lord. Instead of surrendering to you, I try to reign and control. Instead of trusting, I worry. Instead of resting, I move. My heart, Lord, my motive, truly is to please you in all things, to glorify you in everything I do. But I don’t trust. I don’t rest. My flesh wins, and I end up grieving your heart. I am sorry. I can say it no other way. I will pour out my heart before you. I will give you my complaints, my tears and all of me. If the heart is the whole spectrum of human emotions, then I will pour out to you my whole heart. You are a refuge for me. And I will place my trust—my hope—in you. In nothing else. For you never fail! You never waiver. I will attach myself to you and confide in you. In you I can be secure. I can be careless—I love this. It means that I can be without a care—without a worry. You supply every need of mine. I will not want. In you, I have a confident expectation—NOT a constant anxiety. You are sufficient. You sustain. You are faithful. Give me these desires of my heart—may they be truths in my heart. Your love for me is irrevocable. It is unchanging. May I always trust in that. May you strengthen my Spirit—it is willing, though my flesh is weak. I need you father. Remind me of who you are, when I am weak and forget. Be that still soft whisper in my heart, to take refuge in my confidant, in my rock. I love you. May my life be a reflection of that. Continue to teach. Continue to grow. In Jesus’ powerful name—let it be so!

A new house; a faithful God

2009-07-14T10:30:00.001-05:00

Well, I am going to "brave" adding pictures to a post....

Here are a few pictures from our new house:

We love our home, and feel absolutely blessed to have it. God is so good!

Sometimes, when you ask God for something, it takes a little patience. Always, it requires faith and trusting in Him...and releasing control. But, in the end, He is faithful. When I think about the last semester, and our "house hunting" experiences, I am overwhelmed to see how God's hand has guided us in all things. First, He guided us financially to save, and to be good stewards of His money. He taught us to trust Him, which was a lesson more than needed in the final few weeks of getting the house. Second, He guided us to wait for His best. At one point, we almost bought a house that we really thought we wanted. When I look at this house that He gave us, I see not only what he kept us from doing, but also that in waiting, His greater blessing was yet to come! Finally, He guided us to trust Him and lean on Him, rather than ourselves. There were moments I thought we'd never find a house. Then, when we found this house, there were moments when I thought it wasn't going to work out. But He'd gently nudge us, and say, "trust me." And we did. What a wonderful way to see in reality the meaning of Proverbs 16:9 come to life!

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps."

p.s. I won't go into the details for how long adding pictures took me to figure out! :)

The Faithfulness of God

2009-07-02T09:50:00.000-05:00

Today is mine and Hal's 11 month anniversary! And I know that soon we won't be counting "months" anymore (pretty much after this month...), so I wanted to mark this day as important. We have seen God's faithfulness in incredible ways these last 11 months. Marriage has been fun and exciting-- like everyone said our "honeymoon-first-year" would be. We've laughed a lot. Taken a lot of road trips. And enjoyed our "quality time," that is essential to the function of our relationship! But it's also been a learning curve... learning about grace and forgiveness, learning to love someone more than yourself (!), which also means learning to be selfless. I think the greatest lesson in these 11 months though is that I feel like Hal and I have taken everything that has been thrown at us this year--and walked through it together. God has shown me what it looks like to become one, and even though I think "becoming one" takes a lifetime, I think it's an amazing feeling to know that no matter what I face or what he faces (or what we face), we will go through it together. If I've learned anything in these 11 months it's that our hearts have been bound, and even when I want to be mad or if I want to be hurt, I can't stay disconnected from him because we're one.

We closed on our first house on Monday. I can't really describe the feeling that gives me-- accomplishment, pride (in a good way), and yet humility (at God's goodness). To drive up to our home, I was overwhelmed with joy at God's faithfulness in working everything out. I know that Hal and I won't spend a lifetime here, but this will always be our first house. We'll always come back to Lubbock (if we ever move away ;-)) and say "That's the first house we ever lived in." And then we'll have a bunch of stories to tell (probably beginning with Riley did this and Charlie did that--and remember how we used to always do this or that). I just think that's an amazing beginning. And even though Hal and I's "beginning" began August 2, 2008-- this is another beginning. A new chapter. And I feel very blessed to be turning the page, as we continue to grow and mature.

A trip to OK-City

2009-06-25T09:42:00.000-05:00

Hal and I went to Oklahoma City this past weekend for a family reunion with my mom's family (my real mom). I was a little apprehensive about going... I hadn't been in 10 years. In fact, the last time I went, I still lived with my mom, and I was 13 years old. At 14, I moved to live with my dad (for more reasons than I'd share now), which caused a separation between my mom and me. Thus-- no family reunions in 10 years...

God has done some amazing things in restoring the relationship between my mom and me, most significantly in the last couple years. As God has healed me from my past, He's also opened doors to conversations between Mom and me that have led to forgiveness and a releasing where I once held anger and bitterness.

So, this year, when she really begged that Hal and I go to reunion (as she's begged every year for 10 years...), I felt kind of stuck.

And can I just say-- I love my husband. He is so good to me. He doesn't really "lord" over me with "family decisions," yet, when it comes to making a decisions like this, he has the best discernment and tact for deciding what we should do. And so, when he heard my heart and my apprehension... and after he'd though it over... he said, "we should go." (Even though "going" meant changing his call schedule at work, driving 6 hours on Friday, after working 8 hours, and then turning around and driving right back on Sunday...) What a good--and selfless--man!

And so we went. And it actually ended up being okay. I saw people I hadn't seen in years. Some of that was a little hard when they didn't know me or that I was my mother's daughter--or worse, when they thought my cousin was my mother's daughter because she was more of a familiar face. And it was a little hard that most of them don't even know the whole story...or our history. They just know that I moved...

But I was so thankful for Hal's support. I couldn't have done it without him there. Everybody's family's a little "different," I guess, but he just jumped right in and joked around and got along with everyone-- even when they gave him a hard time for being "the new guy." It was such a blessing to have him on my side!

And I think the greatest confirmation of all came before we left. With just my mom and I in the hotel room, she cried and thanked me for coming. I know it meant the world to her. And even on the phone, days later, she thanked me for the sacrifice we made to come. I know that those are baby-steps I'm taking. But in those little things, I get to show Jesus to her. And each time, I'm amazed at the work He continues to do. What a good and faithful God we serve!

The Refreshing Process

2009-06-22T11:39:00.000-05:00

Proverbs 3 & 4--Healing through trust, humility, and turning from evil

Proverbs 3:5-8: "5Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. 6In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. 7Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord, and turn from evil. 8It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones."

Proverbs 4:23-27: "23Keep your heart with all diligence for from it flow the springs of life. 24Put away from you cooked speech and put devious talk from you. 25Let your eyes look directly forward and your gaze be straight before you. 26Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. 27Do not turn to the left or to the right; turn your foot away from evil."

The Lord has been speaking to me about guarding my heart--keeping my heart secure and steadfast. For days, I have not really known what to do with that or really what he meant by His instruction. I do guard my heart!--I said defensively to Him. What am I missing here? And then this morning, He took me to Proverbs...

In chapter 3, verses we are well familiar with, I am struck by the instruction for humility in these words:
"Trust in the Lord...not on your own understanding"
"Acknowledge Him"
"Do not be wise in your own eyes."
"Fear the Lord"
The command for humility is so obvious! More importantly, I never realized that this command has a sowing and reaping effect: If you do steps (verses) 5-7, you will reap verse 8: the promise of healing and refreshment! Just what my heart needs!

In chapter 4, the same promise is true ("healing in your flesh"--verse 22)--but the instruction is different. Where before, we were commanded to live in humility, here we are commanded to live in purity and righteousness. By guarding our hearts, we are keeping out:
"Crooked speech"
"Devious talk"
Essentially, keeping our eyes and feet from anything that leads to evil paths. We are instructed to have our gaze intently on whatever our goal is or should be, so that we walk straight.

It is no mistake then, that in 4:25-27 he commands us to walk straight and in 3:6, he promises that when we

1. Trust in Him, not our own understanding, and
2. Acknowledge Him in all our ways, then

He will make our paths straight!

When we do one, the other follows. He is the AGENT (the do-er) of making our paths straight, not ourselves. But to see that requires humility that says "God, I can't do this, but you can. I need your help and your strength cause I don't have it all figured out." And for the wanna-be know-it-alls (like me, sometimes), it's humility that says, "Oh yeah-- you saved me! I serve you, not myself!" The second thing it requires is the discipline to live a righteous life, described in chapter 4. But if you're trusting in God and keeping Him close to your heart, this should follow as a natural response.

And further, the harvest we reap when we sow a life of trusting in the Lord and not ourselves, is a life of healing and refreshment. When we come into His presence and come aligned with His authority, acknowledging Him to be in control, we have entered into the holy fear of the Lord. And we experience the fullness of His restoring process that touches, heals, and refreshes us to do His work.

The Stormy Season

2009-06-15T11:37:00.000-05:00

It's thunderstorm season right now, so they say. No need to get your roof fixed... more thunderstorms on the way.

That's how my life feels right now. For the last month, it has been one storm after another. I have seen the grace of God in new and amazing ways...but I also reach the point of exhaustion. I know that He is a good God. And I believe that my foundation has been built on solid rock. But I'm tired of the storms. The winds and the rain and the hail that beat against my house. They damage my roof and shatter the windows. Each time I run to Him for repairs, but then another one comes. But the foundation remains. I know that God is a God who restores. And He is God over this house--over the house that is my heart.

Keep my faith, that is my foundation, strong. Help me to see YOUR goodness--even when life doesn't seem all that good or fair. Come Holy Spirit. Bring joy and peace in the midst of my storm.

I'm awake

2009-06-11T10:18:00.000-05:00

I have had this blog for two years because I had to "blog" for a class I took. But (obviously) I haven't written anything in a while.

However, I know that I have been called to write. And for the last several years, I have done everything to run from that calling. But it's time to stop. So, this is me--stepping out in obedience.

More to come later...

Post-process pedagogy

2007-11-13T15:57:00.000-06:00

Post-process pedagoy is a reaction to process pedagogy that was founded to get away from product pedagogy, but ultimately ended up focusing on the end-product as well. Post-process pedagogy offers a variety of assignments to cater to students' different learning styles. It is hard to put into a pedagogy because it wants to get away from structured styles, with its emphasis that writing "cannot be taught."

An example of post-process pedagogy is Dr. Rickly and Dr. Rice's assignment which allowed students to write a term paper or create a media project. The goals of the assignment are the same in the end, in terms of what they're looking for, but the methods or the means are optioned for the students. Another example is Dr. Whitlark's mid-terms assignment. He left the project open ended in terms of content requirements, as long as the students adequately proved to him what they had learned this semester. Finally, at Angelo State, I took a class that allowed students to take different forms of a test, either short answer to several objective questions, or one long essay to one all-encompassing question, or multiple choice and true/false questions. All of these assignments allow for variety in the classroom.

In my classroom, I'd like to try to create a variety of assignments, so that students aren't just reading texts and taking tests. I want to mix up the assignments with projects, presentations, papers, etc. Also, in terms of the composing process, I want to be able to offer them variety. For example, if I have my students brainstorm for an assignment, I won't make them "brainstorm" in a specific way. They can free write, draw clusters, draw outlines, write a draft of a paragraph or two, or they can think. The assessment for the assignment will be their ability to prove to me (verbally or written) that they have thought about the assignment and begun planning how to write their drafts.

The cracked clay pot

2007-10-28T19:34:00.000-05:00

On Tuesday night, my mom called and asked if my sister and I would like to come to their house for dinner. My sister and I live together in a little rent house, not too far from my parents. We try not to over-indulge in the blessings of “mom’s cooking” (or free meals, for that matter), but when the invitation is straight from mom herself, who can refuse? Especially when pot roast, baked potatoes, and cream corn are involved. So, we went over there just as the food was almost ready. We all chatted in the kitchen, my sister and I helping to set the table. When the food was ready, we gathered around the island to fix our plates, particularly the baked potato. Then one by one, we made our way to the table to sit. Most of the conversation revolved around our days. My sister’s stories from work, my stories from class or papers I’d graded. Bits of news and gossip we had heard throughout the day. As we finished eating, we took our plates to the sink, one by one, each returning to the table. The conversation continuing. Eventually, my mom started to put the food up, and my dad began to wash the dishes. My sister and I started cleaning the table and counters. Within minutes the kitchen was clean again, and my sister and I went home.

Seems like a relatively normal dinner setting. And for our family, it is perfectly normal and routine. However, (and mostly for the sake of this assignment), I started to think and reflect on the situation in a different way. I never noticed how we share responsibilities so much. There’s no “formality.” Even in terms of “seating,” we don’t have assigned seats. I have sat in every seat at our dining room table. I think most families can’t say that. No one has a particular seat they always sit in. We all just sort of sit down wherever and by whomever. Also, usually my mom does the cooking, but we all help in some way. In terms of cleaning, sometimes I do the dishes, sometimes my dad does them. My sister and my mom usually put the food away. But what’s most peculiar about it all is that there’s no “delegating” or “commanding.” We just did it all, in the most natural sort of way.

I know that my family is extremely close. We are unified together, and probably stronger than most families because of it. Usually when someone says their family is “close,” it implies an unhealthy, over-involvement on the parents’ part (usually the mom’s). But that’s not the implication for our family. My parents have always given us the room to fail. I think that’s the best way to say it. The problem with “close” families, usually, is that the parents’ won’t let their children fail—or make decisions for that matter. My parents taught us important life-principles…and then stepped back. My siblings and I have always been open in our communication with them, but not from their being pushy about it. I think it’s because we have the freedom to be honest with them about anything we’ve done (good or bad) and we’re able to make our own decisions, that their opinions and respect become more important. I know that I’ve been truly blessed to have a good family. Most people can’t say that. Certainly we’re not perfect. We each have our own values and annoyances. But I feel like we’ve aged well together. If I were to describe our family as a clay pot, we’re not perfectly formed and painted. We would more likely have cracks and holes. In some places, the paint would be faded or stripped altogether. But we’re beautiful in our own way because of the things we’ve been through and overcome. I believe we reflect the reality of life, which is hardly ever picture perfect.

What a glorious day....

2007-10-21T15:24:00.000-05:00

Blog Prompt: Does "voice" that resonates compete with or enhance "academic voice"? How can we write successfully as "academics" and still have voice?

The quick answers are yes, and I don’t know. Yes, my real voice competes with my academic voice. How do I fix that? I’m not sure, but I do think it’s possible. I still remember the first time a professor really challenged me to find my voice. I’ve shared this story in class before. It was my senior year of college. I had spent my entire academic writing career (if high school and such can count as part of that “career”) writing with the “formula.” Seven to ten sentences for a paragraph. Never begin a sentence with “and” or “but.” No contractions. No fragments, not even for emphasis. When it came to sources, my words were buried between indirect and direct quotations. My professor looked at me and looked at my paper and said, “Where are you in all this?” I couldn’t answer him. I had no idea. It was a good paper, in terms of grammar and mechanics. Clear thesis, concise, but valid arguments with supporting statements. But it lacked passion. It lacked voice. Particularly my voice. I write all the time. It’s something I’ve loved doing for as long as I can remember. When I read my journals or prose writings, I can hear myself. Others who read my work have a clear portrait of who I am. How do I make that transfer?

When we read Harris’ chapter on Voice, I remember thinking that his voice was so distinct. Even before he mentioned the editing that had gone into that chapter (in terms of “real voice” being in quotes so often), I had noticed his voice among the voices he was citing. Elbow’s article on voice was similar in that way. Both are scholarly, academic articles with individual, non-academic voice. I mean, of course, they’re writing on voice, so one would expect their words to have personality. But how do they do it?

My theory? I think we have to learn the formulaic writing first. We learn to write in an academic voice that’s not our own. We read levels that are higher than our ability to produce them, and so we aspire to imitate that kind of writing. I think that’s pretty common. So my theory is this… When we master the formula, we learn how to break the rules. In theory, I will eventually become confident in my academic writing. When this confidence takes place, I will learn how to be more assertive about what I think. My opinion. As a result, my voice will start to dominate the other academic voices in my paper (i.e. my sources). I’ll feel less constrained to follow the academic rules of the text. I will know them and mostly abide by them, but now I will have power over them. I will have the power to freely express, freely choose my words, my form, my structure.

What a glorious day…

To Teach or Not To Teach?

2007-10-14T15:22:00.000-05:00

What is teaching? This almost seems like a loaded question! Teaching in itself implies so many different things. I guess at its basic definition it means to give or impart knowledge to someone. However, the act of teaching is synonymous with other crucial words like to coach, to train, to educate, to tutor, etc. Teaching is so much more than a lecture. It’s more than standing in front of the class and talking. And it’s more than just what you talk about. It makes me think of what Francis of Assisi said about the Gospel of Jesus: “Preach the gospel at all times. If necessary, use words.” That’s how I feel about teaching. Teaching doesn’t always require “explaining.” Knowledge can be imparted through modeling. Knowledge can also be “learned” through experience.

I guess my definition of teaching sort of runs into my teaching philosophy as well. I don’t mean to belittle the importance of explaining information. Certainly, I plan to do some of that in my classroom. =) But, I fully believe in helping students teach themselves. I suppose that group work, peer editing, and group/class discussions will be an important part of my teaching philosophy. I believe in fostering students’ learning. Experience through failures and successes. Lessons learned by challenge, by critical thinking. I remember the first teacher I had who forced me to think. Really think. He didn’t give me the answers all the time. He showed me how to find the answers myself, and it was the best gift he could have given. That’s what I want to do for my students. I want to help them problem solve and think critically—those are the skills to “teach” because those are the skills they can use and transfer to any situation.

Questions to ponder...

2007-10-07T16:51:00.000-05:00

What I love about this class is how much it gets me thinking, especially in those futuristic terms of “when I have my class…” But at the same time, this class has raised so many questions, some of which might not be answerable necessarily.

Writing has always been something I love doing—literally my whole life. I have been writing stories and journaling about my day for as long as I can remember. My parents tell me that even before I could actually write words or make coherent sentences, I used to write “stories” that I would read to them. I knew exactly what was in my head, and I knew exactly how I wanted to write it down. Ever since I started school, English has always been my favorite subject. I didn’t come to love reading or writing because of a teacher. I just always loved it. There have certainly been teachers that could have quenched that passion in me, but for the most part, I have never encountered an English class that I didn’t (eventually) get something out of. (I say eventually, because sometimes I didn’t appreciate the work I learned in a class until it was over.) How do I give/make/offer someone that same passion? More importantly, how do I teach a skill that I find mostly inherent? And it gets even more complicated considering 99% of the students I will someday stand before in Eng 1301 do not even want/care to write. How do I make it important to them? Is it possible to love English too much to be able to teach it?

I also wonder about other areas, which are more quantitative. I think even as a DI, I wonder what emphasis to put on “correctness.” I love grammar. And by love, I mean I literally love everything about it. I love the structure, the rules, the prescriptive, the descriptive. I love diagramming sentences and memorizing grammatical formulas. I love it all. But I also recognize that I am probably one of 10 people who love grammar so much. I think the most recent thing I’ve learned about “correctness,” in terms of what will probably become part of my teaching philosophy, is the importance of revision. My expectations for a first draft, second draft, third draft, or final draft will probably vary greatly. But when grammar does become more important, how do I teach it? Given the knowledge I now have—that students don’t learn grammar 2 or 4—what is the point of teaching it at all? How much does it matter? I still stand firm that it does matter. But how much? A little? A lot? I don’t know.

I think that I’ve raised enough questions for today. So, that’s all for now.

The end of composition as we know it!

2007-09-30T16:37:00.000-05:00

The “End of Composition” has implications that composition class in general is no longer necessary. Instead, students would learn the writing skills they need directly from the specific context they will need it in. A chemistry major or a biology major would never need to know how to write a literary analysis paper; therefore, they would take chemistry writing classes instead of English writing classes. In this way, they’re learning to write with the skills they need. The problem with this is: how do students develop writing skills in all their classes, cross-majors, in order to graduate (regardless of the degree emphasis they choose)? Isn’t this what composition teaches them? They learn how to write for different genres.

The “End of Composition” can also have to do with being able to teach students how to transfer their writing skills from writing in an English class to writing in other disciplines. Based on the “Transfer” article we read, we, as teachers, need to teach students how to transfer skills they learn in a composition class to other more practical areas. It’s strange to think about, but basically it would mean that we no longer teach them how to write for the “composition” genres. Instead, it would be teaching them skills for other contexts and how to use those skills when they’re writing for that context (i.e. a chemistry lab report, or a history analysis paper, or a business memo, etc). Sadly, even if students are able to grasp an ability to write correctly for the style in an English class, they are often not able to apply those skills in other contexts or genres.

The skill we need to teach students for this “transfer” is somehow helping them see the similarities between what they’ve already been taught and what they will need to do in future writings. In theory, this sounds nice, but I’m not exactly sure what this looks like in practical terms. Isn’t this what 1302 is supposed to do here at Tech?

Teaching Philosophies

2007-09-23T18:20:00.000-05:00

I think that a philosophy of teaching and a philosophy of composition could be two different things altogether. A philosophy of teaching concerns your teaching style in any classroom while the philosophy of composition is concerned only with how you teach in the writing classroom. Both deal with how you think students should be taught in the classroom setting.

Certainly there are different types of philosophies. I am not familiar with the correct terminology for a teaching philosophy—this seems like an education major’s jargon. However, I do know some of the philosophies I’ve experienced. For example, some teachers believe in active learning, such as stimulating group discussions or classroom question and answer set-ups. The questions could be over the reading assignment or whatever the students had for homework the night before. Another style of teaching is smaller group work, in which students “teach” students what they learned from the assignment or the homework, etc. I think peer editing groups fall into this category. Finally, some teachers prefer to lecture, using either personal notes or power points. This is, perhaps, the most common teaching style.

For me, I think I want to use a combination of teaching philosophies. I know that I want my students to be actively involved in the learning process. I had an English teacher my junior year of college who wrote every students’ name on a note card. During class, she would ask a question about the literature assignment (a book we were reading or a poem), and then she would call out the name on top of her stack. That student had to answer the question. Eventually, she would move through the stack of names, though not every student answered a question every day. She rarely gave quizzes over the reading assignments, but every student read. It was usually obvious if you didn’t know the answer to a question because you hadn’t read. However, she was also very gracious about answering the question for the student if he or she could demonstrate knowledge that they read, but weren’t sure of the answer. The whole class participated, and we learned from our peers. I always enjoyed seeing what the other classmates felt about the reading instead of just being told how to analyze it by the teacher. I definitely want to incorporate something like this into my classroom if I ever teach a literature class. I would also like to have group discussions that are more flexible, meaning that any student could answer or contribute. Either way, I want my students to quickly learn how to analyze for themselves instead of expecting me to give them the answers. I want them to learn how to think critically and develop their own opinions. Finally, I realize I will probably have to lecture as well. There are aspects of teaching that require me to impart my knowledge about the subject to the students. Even in these class settings, though, I still want my students to feel engaged and a part of my lecture. I want them to be free to ask questions or make comments at any times. For composition classes, which I do think require a different or adjusted teaching philosophy, I want to use free writing or journal writing as a warm-up exercise. I also like the idea of peer editing for composition classes. Mostly, I want them to write as much as possible rather than just learn about writing. However, even in these settings, lectures are necessary. At some point, I need to explain how to cite sources, or how to organize a paper based on its genre, etc. I still want my students to feel free to ask questions and engage in the writing process even as I am teaching about it.

Well, I think I have thoroughly exhausted this question. So, that’s all for now.

More than just a grader...

2007-09-16T15:12:00.000-05:00

My approach to ICON is from a Document Instructor’s point of view. When I first learned that I would be a Document Instructor, I figured it was more like just grading than actual instructing. However, since I’ve actually begun to grade papers, I have a different outlook on my job. I am doing more than just slapping a grade on a paper. I have the opportunity to help my students learn through their mistakes. Maybe I am an optimist, but I guess a part of me wants to believe that the student looks at my commentary and works through his or her mistakes. I take the time to do more than just point out errors. I try to show them how to fix their mistakes. I also want to explain the reason behind the rules. Instead of just writing “comma here” or something, I try to explain the purpose and logic behind the comma. I think it helps them learn how to write correctly for future papers.

In this way, I think I am a part of the facilitators on ICON. Within our grading group, we have the opportunity to work together to communicate with students. We work with our CIs, so that we are on the same level with our standards for grading as well as what parts of the assignment we want to emphasize. Our purpose is not necessarily to make our jobs easier. Instead, we’re trying to be consistent with the students, so that they get the best learning opportunity they can.

I worked in the writing center during my undergrad at Angelo State. As a result, I feel prepared or equipped to be a DI this semester. At the writing center, we looked at each student’s paper with them. We only had a limited amount of time to help the student, so we started with the most important elements first. In our writing center, we called it “global” issues and “local” issues. We were trained to completely ignore “local” issues (i.e. grammar, syntax, mechanics, etc) until the “global” issues were correct or at least on track. Global issues can range from organization and structure to if the paper meets the objectives of the assignment in general. Basically, we looked at content above all: what the student wrote, rather than how they wrote it.

I think what we do in ICON is similar. We can only spend so much time on a paper. The key is to hit the most important elements. I try to help the students with the global issues as well as the local issues. The logic behind this type of approach is that a student can only take in so much information at once. The idea is to help the student with the big stuff at first. As his or her writing progresses, then the instructor can begin to help with the smaller stuff. What makes this easier in a writing center and harder on ICON is the difference in the number of students. At least for now, it’s hard to know each of the students I’m grading for beyond just a student ID number. So, in some ways, I have to help with the small stuff and the big stuff at once. However, the principle still works in terms of the student’s growth in writing between now and the end of the semester.

I believe the students will have an equal opportunity to grow in their writing this semester. I also believe that each of my students can succeed in becoming a better writer. I truly hope that I will be proud to see that type of growth across the board as the semester ends. Maybe I am being extremely optimistic. =)

Shutting up

2007-08-31T22:23:00.000-05:00

Now that I am taking this composition class, I have started thinking more seriously about my teaching philosophy. Thursday’s discussion was particularly effective for me in that it caused me to think about specific teaching methods I would use in the classroom and more specifically, about teaching first year composition.

I think the most important thing I want to implement is sharing authority within the classroom. Lunsford and Glenn discuss the importance of letting students’ voices be heard in order to develop their learning abilities. From the Take 20 video, I believe one teacher referred to it as the teacher “shutting up” sometimes. Writing is something that is nearly impossible to simply lecture and expect someone to learn. It must be hands on activity, and that activity must be shared. I believe fully in the value to be found when students begin to learn how to learn. As we discussed in class, it begins with challenging teachers who are willing to let students struggle through an assignment in order to develop their own abilities to think critically.

In addition, I think it is important to know the students’ “cultural history,” as discussed in Bedford/St. Martin’s essay. A teacher must know the cultural influences that have played a role in a student’s life in order to understand the biases towards writing he or she might have. Students’ attitudes towards writing affect their ability as well as their effort to write. By knowing the ethnic, socioeconomic, etc., background of a student, a teacher is better equipped to reshape (if necessary) or encourage a student toward writing.

Finally, I have to insert the “cliché” Lunsford and Glenn refer to for my final concept: making the work relevant to the student. The difficulty lies in knowing what students will find relevant; however, I believe the task is necessary. Sometimes, even letting students choose their own topics is enormously effective. Writing is personal, and it can become even valued by an uninterested student if he or she is allowed to write about his or her interests or concerns. Students will care more about their work if they feel it matters, not only to them but to others in the class as well.

That is all for now… =)